I often forget about the American Music Awards because they’re always on WAY too close to Christmas, and sorry but all I care about this close to the holidays is a) what swimmers I’m going to buy and b) how many forms of potato-based carbs I can make for Christmas dinner.

Luckily I realised last minute that all the music-based celebs would be cavorting down a red carpet at the AMAs today, trying desperately to get the attention of the paps, because I’ve sorely missed all the batshit fashion you guys! I need the joy that is questionable footwear and weird explosions of material like I need air!

Let’s get into the best and the best of the worst, shall we?

LIZZO

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Lizzo can never do wrong, she is a perfect human angel with the fashion tastes of Jesus. I mean, minus the sandals and robes. Jesus’ ideal fashion taste if he was born in 2019 and had access to this much shimmery neoprene.

I’m even accepting that tiny bag I’d probably swallow thinking it was a Tic Tac.

LIL NAS X

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Oh, my god.

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Oh, my god with added enthusiasm for zebra gloves.

PATRICK SCHWARZENEGGER

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What is going on here! I didn’t even recognise him – why has he dressed like a bank teller?

SELENA GOMEZ

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Dress – amazing. Shoes – kind of vomit toned but still, can get it.

Hair… Selena, doll, you have the hair of my dreams, why have you allowed some stylist to chop it into a speak-to-the-manager haircut circa 1986? Where are your three kids and Volvo minivan? Pls tell me about the dilemma of private school fees going up 20% year on year. Buy a cavoodle. Buy three!

CLAUDIA SULEWSKI & FINNEAS O’CONNELL

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These two lovebirds were being extreeeemely cute on the red carpet, but what is less extremely cute is Claudia’s pinstriped one-sleeves business woman special suit. Also, Finneas’ skeezy mo can go, thanks.

SHAWN MENDES

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Only Shawn can wear no shirt under a blazer and make it hot. Everyone else just looks like a dad having a middle-aged crisis.

POST MALONE

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Don’t try to do Cowboy Diplo, you can NEVER BE COWBOY DIPLO.

CONSTANCE WU

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Constance!! We were rooting for you!! How dare you with this shapeless sack thing with the old birthday ribbon!

MAYA HAWKE

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I am so deeply obsessed with this, but I can’t get over whatever the weird split is over her cleavage – WHY, FASHION GODS. WHY RUIN SUCH A GOOD THING.

KESHA

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I mean, it’s Kesha. I feel like this is a tame outfit from her. Also Versace-chic is due for a revival. What I can’t accept is the hair – this is my exact hairstyle from when I was 12 and didn’t realise you had to rinse conditioner out.

MEG DONNELLY

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I will never understand taking a nice dress, in this case either one, I don’t care, then adding some other half of a different dress to it. JUST CHOOSE ONE. Be the Julia Roberts circa Pretty Woman vibe or the Cinderella Story vibe.

ANWAR HADID & DUA LIPA

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All I’m going to say is when I first saw these guys I thought Dua Lipa was Gigi Hadid, and I just don’t think you want to be emulating your boyfriend’s sister in terms of vibes. But I am 100% here for her 80s prom dress.

DIPLO

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I’m pregnant.

HALSEY

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I am living for this insane swirly acid-trip of a gown with the galactic eye makeup.

CAMILA CABELLO

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Look I get the Cinderella x Rapunzel vibe here but could they have dry shampooed the fringe a little? Why does Camila look like she went for a 5km run before the AMAs?

SHANIA TWAIN

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On one hand she looks like a Days Of Our Lives star after they’ve gotten possessed and then shown up at their ex-husband’s wedding to cast a hex on his new wife, but on the other… it’s Shania. She can do whatever she wants, she’s diva royalty.

TYRA BANKS

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You know who can’t get away with being balls to the wall batshit on a music industry red carpet? Tyra Banks. Sorry Tyra, your Inspector Gadget getup would pass at the Emmys bc YOU are TV royalty no doubt, but here? I don’t even know why you are here actually.

ASHER ANGEL

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WHO is this person and why has he dressed for the Gulf War.

CIARA

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Indulge me for a sec: MISSDEMEANOURS IN THE HOUSE!!! CIARA’S IN THE HOUSE!!! MISSDEMEANOUR’S IN THE HOUSE!!!!

Ok I got it out of my system. One must always yell that when a wild Ciara appears. On the fashion front, I love a flare but not when they’re made of morph suit material, I also don’t entirely understand what’s happening under the jacket??? Is that a breast plate made of turquoise? If so.. I’m actually into it tbh she would be very protected from negative energy.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

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I have zero idea why our Queen is at the American Music Awards, but at least she’s gone a sort of “yeah I CBF trying” outfit over the Detective Tyra look.

BILLIE EILISH

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My favourite part is the grandma sneakers, but my colleague David Adams had the best gentle sledges for this:

“Billie Eilish is power walking in the park at 5am before getting a great deal on spring onions at the market.”

“Billie Eilish is Hollywood’s foremost amateur beekeeper.”

“Billie Eilish got in a fight with a picnic blanket and lost.”

“Billie Eilish debuts Burberry’s first nunnery collection.”

“When you got a red carpet at seven and a Dutch reformation at 8.”

TAYLOR SWIFT

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I wish everyone would stop with morph suit boots, and I wish people would just work out if they want to wear a mini or a gown and be done with it, but how GOOD is this colour on Tay, she’s like a St Patrick’s Day goddess.

PETE WENTZ & RIVERS CUOMO

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Oh goddddd I mean you know you’re at Peak Dad when you do the back-to-back pose on the red carpet, Christ. I miss 00s Pete Wentz.

KELSEY BALLERINI

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HEAVEN. Absolute heaven – even if those pants would give me 5,664 ingrown hairs and a case of hives. Even if I originally thought this was Kacey Musgraves. Even all of those things.

BILLY PORTER

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NO NO NO NONONONONONONO THIS IS SETTING OFF MY TRYPOPHOBIA!!

KATHERINE LANGFORD

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IDK why Katherine’s at the American Music Awards, and I extremely don’t know why she didn’t slap the makeup artist’s hand out of her face when she realised they were giving her “eye infection, but make it fashion”.

Image: Getty Images