Look, you guys. I fucked up. I know I said in my Brownlows wrap that the AFL event was my favey of the year behind the Logies – but I forgot about something. THE DALLY M AWARDS.

FUCK, GUYS. The Dally M‘s! MORE aggressive fake tans! MORE overcurled manes that need a strong brush-out! MORE dresses that are absolutely for brides and not red carpet appearances! What a dream week for me.

Here’s my take on the gals and guys of the Dally M’s. A note – Getty RUDELY has left many of these lovely women nameless, which sucks to me (unless they personally chose to not be credited in which case, as you were). So it is not ME saying “and partner” ok? OK?

CAMERON MUNSTER “AND PARTNER”

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Cam, you bloody fox – nice red velvet jacket there. Would have been a top idea to wear black socks not blindingly white ones, you fool, but you’re a loveable smiley fool and I forgive you. Pretty babe in the white dress, fire your makeup artist for the 3-shades-lighter foundation application. Otherwise, this dress is fine. It’s bordering on “here comes the bride” but you know what, I’m feeling soft-hearted and I’m giving you a pass.

ZAC LOMAX “AND PARTNER”

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

If these two were standing separately, they’d each get a strong yes from me. Her tan is – thank christ – even and not at odds with her natural skin tone. He is a solid babe who could do with a shave but otherwise can get it.

Together? They look like conjoined twins who really like wearing black.

JORDAN RAPANA AND KELSIE KOPP

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

YESSS FINALLY A WOMAN WITH A NAME! I love this. You know I love this. Have I not stressed enough that if you come at me with some glomesh and general shiny material, I’ll give you a free pass to Fashion Town? I’m a fucking bowerbird bitch, I live for the glitz.

ANTHONY SEIBOLD “AND WIFE”

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Metcalfe/Getty Images

Literally this was credited as “and wife”. She’s probably like CEO of some vitamin company or a bank and she cops “and wife”. SMDHHHHH. Anyway, you know what I fucking hate magenta! Hate it! Burn that out of the colour wheel! Aside from the hue though, the shape is gorge on her, and while she is gripping that clutch like it contains her Horcrux, the clutch itself? Cute as shit. Also loving old mate’s shiny dress shoes.

JARROD CROCKER AND BRITTNEY WICKS

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Goddd I want to like this but those off-shoulder tops that just skim the tits always make you look like your shoulders are 400 times bigger than your body, you know? The colour is fab on her, the shape is really modern and chic but the FUCKING BOOB SKIM.

Oh, and the choker. Someone burn that immediately.

SAM BREMNER

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

You know, the detached sleeves are odd but I’m not hating it? Why? Am I okay? Am I a real human being with a brain? We will never know tbh.

JOSH ADDO-CARR & LAKAREE SMITH

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Ok you guys you guys I love this for SO many reasons. I love the dress (I would love it more if I couldn’t so clearly see the slip but we can’t have everything, folks. You cannot simply have everything in life, and that is le fact). But I like the tassel detail, and the shape, I love her wine lip colour… and I LOVE THAT SHE IS NOT SMILING. Just fucking serving up this smouldering babetown look, and fuck you to anyone who thinks women need to smile all the time, tyvm.

JAKE FRIEND AND JENNA KALIN

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

This man looks baffled by his entire existence. He’s like “oh, I’m awake? I thought this was a dream”.

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
when you come out the other side of a ket bender and you don’t know what species you are anymore

I did not come up with that wonderful photo caption btw, my good work pal Courtney did.

JAMES MALONEY AND JESSICA ANDERSON

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Now I feel like every footy player looks lost behind the eyeballs. is this guy ok? Meanwhile Jessica is a dream, I love this. Sparkles! See through skirts without visible Spanx slips! I’d love the top part to not be Mr K special issue stiff satin, but as WE HAVE ALREADY ACKNOWLEDGED, you cannot have everything.

DAMIEN COOK AND COURTNEY BLAINE

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

YES YES YES YES THRILL ME WITH THOSE HARRY POTTER LIGHTNING BOLTS MADE OF SEQUINS.

BILLY & NICOLE SLATER

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Oh dear. Oh deary dear fuck dear. Let’s start with the lobsters – why and also no. Then let’s discuss the year 10 textiles class shape. This is not final school assembly fashion show hour. And finally, whatever makeup artist allowed this “I passed out on the beach in Phuket for 10 hours” level of fake tan needs to sit in the corner and think about what they have done to this poor woman.

I’ll give her this, the smoky eye and hair are 10/10.

SAMANTHA LYNCH & JONATHAN THURSTON

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Yep, here for it.

GARETH & CARLEY WIDDOP

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Arms down, 100/10 – love me some crochet. Arm on hip? We regret to inform you that a freak woodchop accident occurred mere minutes before the Dally M’s.

ELLE & PAUL VAUGHAN

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Oh man, I love this dress a lot EXCEPT for the cut-out, because WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT COMFORTABLE PREGNANCY GOWNS. WHAT DID I SAY. Why are you allowing one breast to have hoisted, supported comfort in it’s time of need, and the other must fly akimbo, fending for itself in these dark days? Rude, tbh. Also this is how you moon boot on a red carpet – nice and fashion-froward with the touch of red, me likey.

KALYN & ADINE PONGA

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

YESSSSSS SEXY MUMMA WORK IT BABEEEEY! What a dress! What a pose! The Hush Puppies heels are a strong no but fuck she looks amazing. 10/10, mumma Ponga.

NATALIA O’TOOLE & VALENTINE HOLMES

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Okay lets unpack this. First, when I was a kid me and my sister went through a pyromaniac phase and liked setting things on fire, and that dress looks exactly like a garbage bag we once melted. Second, if you’re going to do the Mr K formal dress bullshit, DONT put a weird, crinkly sheer panel on your abs. YOU HAVE ABS. FLAUNT THE ABS. I’ll give her this though, she’s one of very few women who did not get locked in an automatic tanning booth mere hours before the event, good work.

AARON WOODS & SARAH CALLAWAY

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Firstly, Aaron is hot. Secondly, he’s wearing RM Williams on a red carpet, which is a hard no. Thirdly, Sarah looks really nice, I hate the sheer panel (I generally hate all sheer panels, just OWN THE SEXY REVEAL OKAY) and she looks like she has medium level period pain but the shape is lovely and the bun is chic.

TODD & LISA GREENBERG

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

THIS IS NOT THE YEAR TEN FORMAL, WE DO NOT NEED TO MATCH OUR POCKET SQUARES TO OUR PARTNERS DRESS COLOUR.

JOEL & MYRA CAINE

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Metcalfe/Getty Images

Ohhhh you guys, it’s all a bit princessy but I really like this? I love the skirt detail, I love the corset thing, I don’t know. Look this is MY list and I can be as hypocritical as I want!

DARIUS & KAYLA BOYD

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Does his tie need to be longer? Shorter? Somethinger? I feel weird. Kayla also looks like she’s been hit by the period pain demon/punched in the left kidney but this looks amazing on her. It’s not very ~cool~ but she looks banging, you know?

ALI BRIGGINSHAW & KATE DALY

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

OMG YOU GUYS OMG OMG OMG WE HAVE A FASHION FAUX PAS OF THE HIGHEST ORDER – Kate and “partner” of Cameron from above WORE THE SAME DRESS. This is wild.

This aside, I feel like I’m at this couple’s wedding looking at this? Even though I kind of individually like their vibe? Like I’m all for a beige/white dream of a red carpet appearance but also ding dong someone cue ‘Shout’ and then the Macarena it’s a reception party.

PAUL & ANNE GALLEN

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Hmmmmmmmmmm no. I can’t put my finger on it, but no. She looks beautiful. I think it’s how high the boob panels go. Maybe.

EMMA FREEDMAN

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Skirt – YES. Top – Why are you wearing a pillowcase.

RACHEL THAIDAY

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Fashion baby Jesus is crying.

JESSE ARENA

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Rip those fucking tutus off her shoulders and this would win best dressed. I also really feel for Jesse bc she has the thing I have where flash photography makes it look like I just got caught murdering the prime minister.

JESSE RAMIEN & TAYLAH VEACOCK

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Oh god I half love it, like the shape is lovely on her and I like the undone hair vibes, but I wish it wasn’t THAT shade of red, she’s disappearing into the carpet like she’s a very badly designed safety pole, and I also think white clutches should be banned globally, and a task force set out to retrieve any in all households before they are burned at a large pyre that we all dance around with glee.

CHRIS & SONIA HEIGHINGTON

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Their last name sounds like a horse noise, but a) thank christ for those who shunned fake tan, and b) her dress is pretty cute IMO.

KATHRYN & CHRIS LAWRENCE

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

It’s a pantsuit and I love it.

MARIN TAPAU & MICHELLE BAILLIE

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

You know, the curls could have done with a bit more of a brush-out but this dress is sex. I’m also into his jacket. AND SHINY SHOES AGAIN! More shiny shoes, please.

TEGAN MARTIN

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Everyone is like ooooh Tegan so FASHION right now, so HOT right now, Tegan – and I’m over here like since when did mullet skirts with matching pants become OK again, jog on.

JAMAYNE ISAAKO “AND PARTNER”

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

I still vehemently abhor any pregnancy dress that doesn’t look 100% comfy, but this looks phenom on her and maybe it is comfy? Fucked if I know, I’ve never been pregnant! Maybe all the pregnant women are chortling in my direction, like “stupid Mel, you’re NEVER COMFY. YOU MAY AS WELL LOOK LIKE A HOT BITCH SINCE YOU’LL HAVE CHRONIC BACK PAIN NO MATTER WHAT YOU WEAR YOU FUCKHEAD”.

MEGAN BARNARD

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

I love this large beige tube, and I mean it.

MATTHEW ELLIOT “AND PARTNER”

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

She looks amazing but someone ship her a large crate of Dermaid for that full-body eczema she’s gonna be dealing with all week from the itchy sequins.

GARTH & RACHEL BRENNAN

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

This is such ’90s supermodel sexy bullshit, I fucking love it. She looks like Christie Brinkley. What a BABE.

STEVEN MENZIES & SUYIN CONDON

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

YEEEESSSSS WHAT A LORD IN THAT HOT POTATO OF A SUIT!

LARA PITT

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

This looks so form fitting and stiff, I am just imagining her attached to a tiny skateboard and she can only move along the red carpet by someone pushing her gently from behind. In this imaginary scenario she holds this stiff smile and arm pose the entire way.

HANNAH HOLLIS

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

I love it bc I love pink things.

YVONNE SAMPSON

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

It’s like this but dress form.

JESSICA YATES

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Simple, perfect, love.

JAI ARROW “AND PARTNER”

Behold, The Even More Aggressive Fake Tans / Fashions From The Dally M Awards
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

She looks great, he looks like a demon just told him to dack everyone on the red carpet tonight.

Image: Getty Images