If there’s one red carpet event I love, adore, BOW DOWN TO besides the Logies, it’s the bloody Brownlow Medal. Or whatever it’s called. The Brownlows.
Why? Well, aside from the extremely hot footy players I’d like to get stuck in several elevators with, the red carpet at the Brownlows is FULL of glitz from their partners/friends/mums. It’s glam levels 1000. Everyone will go hard on both of these things, without fail, almost exclusively wearing those Australian made-purely-for-red-carpet-events brands like J’Aton Couture. Has anyone even SEEN evidence of J’Aton Couture outside of the Logies or the Brownlows? How does it make it’s money? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Anyway, I’m having the best time over here with the 395702 photos of WAGs who don’t know how to pose on red carpets, bless their souls, wearing OTT gowns. So here are my faves.
I swear every time I see Nadia in media she’s pregnant. Does the woman have 10 children at this point? Whatever, this is a GREAT preggo dress. She looks super cute and importantly, knows how to do the whole red carpet thing so her pose is on point. The tan is a little aggro, but generally good job, bb. Enjoy your army of children.
SEBASTIAN ROSS & MARNIE O’CONNOR
Another preggo red carpet appearance! There are many of these, by the way. Those footy players are virile as FUCK. Anyway, this is another cute preggo ball gown. It looks comfy, like Marnie isn’t emotionally dying over her pregnancy boobs being crushed into a corset, you know? Like fuck man, you’re carrying a HUMAN BEING in your WOMB, don’t treat your body mean! Get a comfy formal dress that’s supportive to your bewbs like Marnie! Anyway, didn’t need the “cradling my foetus like it’s the second coming of Christ” pose but apparently when you’re preg (according to my friend Lisa, who was once preg) you feel like a giant whale constantly, so Marnie prob was trying to be like “this is a baby not 100 hamburgers”.
CALLAN WARD & RUBY KEDDIE
This is fun, you know? I love a smack of gold. It’s like hi, I WILL dress like a disco ball and fuck you if you don’t like it. And I WILL team it with a LOT of tan and highlighter. I am not here for his shiny lapels or her attempt at Kim Kardashian’s wet look hair, but we can’t have everything folks. Let’s just accept a couple of 10’s in some 7.5 outfits and be done with it.
JARRYD & SARAH ROUGHEAD
I can neverrrrr with this guys name. Like you play footy and YOUR LAST NAME IS ROUGHEAD!!! Imagine his schoolyard life. Just imagine. He walked right into the jokes, you know? And then he chose a CAREER where the jokes would never, ever let up! It’s the easiest LOL you could ever make in footy! Anyway Sarah decided to also do the disco ball thing but I can see her slip so it’s a no from me.
DYSON HEPPELL & KATE TURNER
This guy could at LEAST have done a man bun with his bird’s nest mane, you know. Like it’s a red carpet. I know you’re a footy dude but get your shit together, Carol. I love Kate’s dress but I do not love her deer-in-headlights-shit-just-do-the-teapot-pose stance, it makes the batwing sleeve too batwingy. That being said, fucked if I know how to pose on a red carpet. I’d probably pull some bullshit like this:
BRODIE GRUNDY & RACHAEL WERTHEIM
WOOOOOOOOOOF THAT GUY IS A FUCKING BABETOWN POPULATION ONE LARGE BEGLASSERED BABE! How hot is he? I’m having a moment over here. Rachael is also hot, obviously, and while I have a real aversion to straight-across bust lines, she looks good. Like it’s nice, you know? I’m so sorry, I’m really overwhelmed by this man.
CHARLIE CAMERON & SARI JONES
I’d love for Sari to shave Charlie’s suss mo off in his sleep, but these guys look so cute! This dress is exactly what you SHOULD wear to the Brownlows – it fits, most importantly (you wait, there are some real situations to come), it’s fancy but not OTT, her makeup and hair are great… Charlie’s bowtie is cute, it’s all working. 10/10.
NATHAN FYFE & ELLIE BRADSHAW
I’m sure by now you’ve worked out I know shit-all about footy, but I did know Nathan Fyfe by name – by face though, WOWZA! WOW-FKN-ZAAAA, you guys! How is this guy not just a full-time high fashion model? Fuck footy dude, go walk the Milan runway you know? Ellie’s dress is nice to me, but Courtney who works with me said she looks like there’s 100 red liquorice straps stuck to her body and I can’t get the visual out of my head now.
JESSICA TODD & MAX GAWN
YESSSS SILVER SEQUINS BABEY! What a mood! Heavily into this.
CHRIS & BEC JUDD
I can’t say I’m 100% here for the grandma’s doily vibes but I am here for the colour and the shape. And I reckon I can get on board with the doilies in about 5 minutes, tbh.
Absolutely NO ONE in the office agrees with me here, but I fucking love this! Love love love. It’s everything I wanted to be as an adult in my 5 year old fantasy brain. Aka Barbie.
I love EVERYTHING about this, especially that forest green colour.
SAMANTHA ERICHSDOTTER & SHANE EDWARDS
I love this chick’s kind of European disinterest in the Brownlows. She looks like she DGAF about this dumb red carpet and found that v chic dress in the back of her cupboard, and it’s something Givenchy just gifted her in person once when she was in Prague, and she’s like “babe when can we leave, this event is beneath me, I need to soak my micro herbs for the duck a l’orange I’m casually making for our children’s lunch tomorrow”.
JERRI & NATHAN JONES
I feel like I should hate Jerri’s dress but I… don’t? Shiny things, they always get me. And it’s all so nice and tonal with her blonde hair. I do definitely hate Nathan’s fucking white jacket. I HATE WHITE TUXEDO JACKETS. Are you Michael Jackson? No? Then don’t.
PAUL SEEDSMAN & ALICE GOUGH
This is from Mr K and you cannot tell me otherwise.
EMMA GILES & JARRYN GEARY
What demonic stylist took an otherwise delightful white minimalist dress and attached the hand-protective cardboard bit from a coffee cup to her ankles like she’s on house arrest.
TAYLA & LISA HARRIS
Look, I am WELL AWARE Tayla is this AFLW gun and she’s taken her mum to the Brownlows, the sweet angel. But does being a legend save you from my fashion wrath? NO! It does not! I will still mercilessly roast you for wearing what looks like the bridal dress from Guns ‘N’ Roses ‘November Rain’ clip OVER a pair of Jane Fonda’s pants.
TENISHA CROOK & JACK HIGGINS
This is how you do see-through skirts, everyone.
This is not.
PHIL DAVIS & GRETA KERNAN
*extreme thirst moment incoming* You guys. Ok let’s get Greta out of the way (lol literally Greta can you piss off to Timbuktu for me so I can have your partner? That’d be great thanks) – she looks great. I could go without the red sash but this is HER colour and she’s banging, and it’s all a strong 10 from me, even if I give her that reluctantly because… I WANT TO BONE HER BOYFRIEND. VERY MUCH SO. THANK YOU. How, how, HOW has Josie, my Editor, #1 Giants fan, not told me about the supreme hotness that is Phil Davis? How? I am so angry at her right now. I’m glaring at her from my desk, if you must know. JFC, the eyes, the mo, the hair… I’m deceased. I want to lick his face. I want to become a low-level stalker and crouch in a tree outside his house watching him sleep… OK I’ve gone too far haven’t I. Sorry Phil. You’re NOT AN OBJECT YOU’RE A TALENTED MAN. But also take your shirt off.
TIM MEMBREY & EMILY HODGSON
How much of a mood is this gal? Considering this red carpet is 90% Instagram models it is v. refreshing to see someone just doing their thing, flaunting their tatt sleeve and repping a moody wine lip and velvet gown. I love it. One of my faves.
BRENDON & ROSIE GODDARD
This is all entirely cute and lovely until you see BRENDON’S SHOES, WHAT THE FUCK. Why are you Hugh Hefnering up the red carpet in pyjama shoes.
GILLON & LAURA MCLACHLAN
I’m in two minds because I think the colour and shape is great here but also she looks like a filleted fish with the bones still in.
Yep, here for it.
Here for this too, even if that strappy sleeve is a LITTLE “I am bandaging my shoulder in solidarity with my partner, who sadly fell on his in his last game”.
MILLIE JORDAN & TOM JONAS
God I love the normal people who end up on the red carpet, who, like you and I, have no idea how to pose and just go for the classic teapot which like, SAME, because I have NFI either Millie. She looks cute, I always hate additional weird shoulder bows, but she gets a pass bc she’s not an Insta-famous model and probs picked this for herself, the sweetheart.
JACKSON MACRAE & LOUISA MACLEOD
I’m so tickled at how these two are both “Mac” people, like their last names I mean. Do you think that was a meet-cute first date moment? I like to think so. I love her dress except for the weird, ill-fitting sheer side panels. WHY. WHY, DESIGNER. Why hurt me like this.
EASTON WOOD & TIFFANY SAYERS
These two look EXCELLENT, the end.
SHAUN & HEIDI HIGGINS
One of my favourite dresses, I love it.
ROBBIE & ANNABEL GRAY
She looks like smug Barbie, I’m here for it.
TOUK MILLER & MADDIE LEEK
Wearing what is literally a wedding dress with a veil to the Brownlows is a strong move, and a great way to steal everyone else’s thunder – much like proposing to your partner at someone else’s wedding, it has the spice of extreme self-indulgence and you know what, you go with your bad self.
Hmmmmmmmm………. yeah ok.
LACHLAN WELLER & NICOLA HEWITT
I LOVE THIS. Why? I think it’s the bust shape and even though part of me feels the stiff ruffles are maybe a bit naff, IDK I’m feeling it.
JACK GUNSTON & DANI SHREEVE
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – surely full encrusted dresses cause extreme eczema on their wearer. They look great, but does looking great make up for a month of full-body Dermaid application? Does it, Dani?
BRYCE GIBBS & LAUREN TSCHARKE
Anyone who has channelled Barbie is getting a green light from me today, because frankly my 5 year old self is squealing in delight.
The detail here is divine, what a dress. She looks amazing. I want to be her. I want her hair. I’m aware this is starting to sound very Silence Of The Lambs.
DAVID & SALLY MUNDY
There’s something really cute about the ruffled sleeves and her tumbling curls and all that shit. IDK, it’s all wholesome and I imagine these two own a country farm, and they grow their own strawberries WITHOUT NEEDLES IN THEM and their children run around free-range and come home for tea when it gets dark.
Yep, into it.
JUSTIN & REBECCA WESTHOFF
I know it’s terrible but all I can see is their massive height difference, and then I thought about how they would comfortably have sex, and now all I can envision is them trying to have sex. My brain is trash.
I saw a meme today about how if you like dressing in sexy undies, no matter what size you are, you always feel like a trussed ham at some point in the evening, and I related a LOT. And I feel like so does Monique bc when she sits down she will 100/10 get some welts from that fishnet.
BUDDY & JESINTA FRANKLIN
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON THERE BUDDY. You have two cockroaches crawling out of your nose, take care of that situation. Jesinta is a fox and a half as always, but I just think she could have done better than this dress? It’s fine? It’s chic ofc, but it also looks like someone’s Year 10 school project but they gave up halfway and made a scraping-in pass to showcase it at Craft Day.
JOEL SELWOOD & BRIT DAVIS
That dress looks like dead skin cells.
See this is what I mean by an uncomfortable looking preggo gown.
DAYNE BEAMS & KELLY MEEHAN
Someone did a wonderful highlighter job on this gal. I’m not so sure about the feather boa she’s attached to her body, however.
CLAYTON OLIVER & SOPHIE HARMER
Again, you had me at shiny. Am I a bowerbird writing this with my claws? Yes.
JASON JOHANNISEN & LOGAN SHINE
Stick a fork in me, I’m done.