There are three Australian award shows that deserve red carpet analysis. Just three. The Logies, The Dally M Awards – and The Brownlow.

I don’t care about your AACTAs and your ARIAs because those awards are full of real celebrities who have 40 stylists going “ohhhhh do you want to wear the Dior? Or the Reem Acra? One simply cannot choooooose” (apparently these stylists are also from Edwardian England). In short, they are dressed for style. At the Brownlow and the Dally Ms and The Logies, we’re dressed for GLITZ, FUCKERS.

It’s been 84 years since I did a P.TV recap of the Brownlow red carpet, and I fully expect to have some tiffs in the comments because I didn’t froth someone’s gown to the eyeballs. I welcome it! Come at me, influencers!

Let’s get this jalopy on the road, shall we? Why are we in a jalopy? I don’t know. This lockdown has been too long.

Luke Ryan and Codi Galvin

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Right outta the gate with two strong 10’s! What a dress – I smudged some avocado on my laptop screen so I can’t see it super clearly, and I refuse to go find a wet wipe, but to me this looks like a classic strapless and Codi’s nailed her angles here, no creepy Angelina Jolie leg in sight! Luke is definitely in the “don’t know how to pose on a red carpet” camp, along with most of the AFL (this is the AFL awards, right) but we’ve got a well-fitting suit that doesn’t feature a white jacket. More on my thoughts around THAT, later.

Andrew Gaff and Emma Van Woerden

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Another great dress! I cannot be anywhere near this because just looking at it has flared my dermatitis up. But this is glitz done in a fashion way, and I bet Emma felt a million bucks while also not having to wrangle an 800m train. Also a fan of the undone hair to take the Year 10 formal vibes away. Andrew gets NO points because he hasn’t buttoned up his jacket and his bow tie is skewed. I just want some class and decorum on my Brownlow red carpet, okay? At least he isn’t in sneakers (wait for it, seriously).

Kelley Fergus and Ben Cousins

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Wait isn’t Ben Cousins an NRL player? And he had some sort of chaotic life period maybe and has a book with his face all huge on the front? Hang on, I’m Googling.

Yep I was right about everything except the footy thing, but it was worth a Google for this golden image:

Lots to unpack here

Anyway, he’s looking dapper! Great suit choice. Good photography smile. Kelley is radiant, I love a bit of tangerine on my red carpet (said in Kath Day-Knight voice). All I’ll say is I think the split should have been at the back because on the wrong angle that’s gonna look like a tangerine vag. Sorry.

Oscar Allen and Lorna McNabb

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Ah, we have entered The Train territory. Dresses that require an assistant (mum) to trail the wearer around for fluffing-out purposes. I just don’t think anyone needs a train on anything besides Princess Diana, and only Princess Diana. Which means trains should have become extinct in the 90s. That being said – lovely colour on her. Love the double-layer and I even like the little shoulder sash thing. And look it’s not THAT crazy a train.

Some extra points to Oscar for that chic pocket square. Now that is a trend I would enjoy on every red carpet.

Sam Collins & Georgia Mitchell

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You know, you look at it once and you’re like “WHAT ARE THOOOOOSE” re: the Cinderella sleeves. But then you look again and it’s all such fun, zesty 80s energy. If the dress wasn’t that sort of heavy satin material and didn’t have the modern plunge, it would be ridiculous but it’s FUN and Georgia took a risk, and I actually love the risk. Also love how she’s posing like, look at my nice minimalist heels and Sam’s like LOOK AT ME MOON BOOT, EH!!!!

LOOK AT IT.

Shai Bolton and Hasina Baluch

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This is off-the-rack Bec + Bridge I’m fairly sure and it’s easily one of the best frocks on the Brownlow red carpet, so there you bloody go. This is why I will eternally stress to anyone who will listen (usually at inappropriate moments, like inside wedding dress shops) that buying some $300 slip dress is going to make you look way better than a floofy $20,000 designer gown. Great bronze colour, she looks excellent. Shai’s alright too although I always find an all-black suit makes everyone look like a floating head and hands.

Dom Sheed and Brooke Parker

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This dress would have hands-down won the best on-theme gown at the 2021 Met Gala, it’s basically the red version of the Statue of Liberty. I am upset for Brooke’s right arm, which will be stuck at her side all night (god help her if she gets an itchy pit, there is no saving you darl) but otherwise gorge.

Dom looks like he has a hand growth out of his stomach. Such are the perils of classy black hospital gear.

Tim Kelly and Caitlin Miller

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Glitz!!!!! Glitz AND glam! Again, get those sequins away from me or pass me the Dermaid, but Caitlin is a dream here. I do question clutches – they’re always so tiny and you can get like, half a tampon in there at best – but she just looks damn great. Love the slick bun, too.

Tim is wearing loafers, and I can’t see socks. CAITLIN PLEASE CONFIRM HE HAD SOCKS ON OTHERWISE I MUST ASSUME YOU’RE IN A FOOT STINK COMA BC WE ALL KNOW HE RIPPED THEM OFF IN THE CAR HOME.

Christian Petracca

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Oh I didn’t realise Jay Z played for the whatevers now and is also a white man called Christian these days, since only Jay Z is allowed to wear sneakers on a red carpet.

Harris Andrews and Emily Halyerson

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I love this too! Wow do I just love everything these days, I’ve gone soft. I love the sheer sleeves and the corset bodice, it’s a really flattering style. I also love that Harris did his jacket button up and didn’t wear sneakers. I’m easy to please and yet men on red carpets constantly disappoint me.

Bailey Smith

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The things I would do to this mullet. Not necessarily to Bailey, this is exclusively a sex fetish for the mullet, specifically.

Jarryd Lyons

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What a lovely, upstanding man this person looks to be. Look at him clasping his hands like he’s doing his primary school photo day. Look at his polished suit and pocket square. Please no one tell me this man is some sort of demonic prick, it will ruin my fantasy where he’s an ex-youth pastor who has retained his goodness of spirit but let go of being a homophobic closed-minded c*nt.

Pat Smith, Todd Pickett, Some Other Guys

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Really only here for Some Other Guy #2 and his Western necktie. The things I would do to that necktie (also actually him, give me a mo and a man-fringe and some Western flair, I’m yours).

Trischaye Newchurch and Sean Lemmens

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GORGEOUS. The v-neck, the hints of skin, the balloon sleeves – all of it. This is how you do glitz without looking like a bedazzled Vienetta ice-cream.

Lauren O’Shannassy

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I’m sure this dress is polarising because it’s like POUF! and FLOUNCE! and MATERIAL ALL OVER THE FOREARMS! But this is Zimmermann and they always come up with these 70s dreamboat gowns, and I’m obsessed with the 70s so you could literally walk like, Bert Newton down this red carpet wearing a 70s sky blue 70s wedding dress and I’d be like BEST ON GROUND! Actually that would be best on ground in anyone’s books, tbh.

Brittany Bown and Nic Naitanui

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Oh look it’s not my cup of tea but she’s having a good time, sometimes I think well fuck, if you can get away with a crate of tulle fashioned into a dress, why not. I personally would have accidentally weed on it six times in the toot, but maybe Brittany had a genius solution. Like 15 pads stuck together all over her undies? That’s a great plan for any time in the future where I can’t wee due to outfit choice.

Monique Fontana and Patrick Cripps

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Monique Fontana would be the BEST name for a ballroom dancer and she would win the Southern Districts Waratah Championships in this gown. Please, Monique, do it for Australia.

Patrick, put your cuff away please and then we’re good here.

These Fashionistas

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Oooooh the new Armaguard tote, wow we haven’t seen this on a red carpet since the Autumn/Winter 2021 shows. This is a MOMENT, you guys.

Jaeger O’Meara and Tory Packer

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I love the cut-outs and the cut here, also if Tory feels like jumping out of a plane the flaps will keep her airborne, and that is how all dresses should be. Practical with a hint of danger.

Dayne Zorko

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There’s always one questionable white jacket, isn’t there. And with loafers! To be fair the cut is slick and it’s not shiny like a waxed car, so I’ll give it a pass.

Ollie Wines and Olivia May

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Sure it sort of looks like she’s preparing her chest for surgery, but cut outs are huge this season and this is a flattering take. I’ll allow Ollie an open jacket because he has a tie which balances it out. This ONE time.

The Moustache To End All Moustaches

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Don’t know who this is, don’t care, let’s all just zoom in and feel aroused.

ohhhhhhh yeahhhhh

Melissa is a freelance writer and should be in Horny Jail. You can find her on Instagram or Twitter.