I have NFI about AFL things, in fact I didn’t know the Brownlow Medal was actually AFL (I thought it was the Dally M thing). But you know what? I don’t need to know what code of footy you play to stand back in my stained trackies with my all-over face dermatitis that’s going on right now and judge your fancy dress fashion.

Annoyingly, this year the fashions on the runway (life’s a runway, baby, don’t you forget it) were almost entirely across-the-board decent. Ladies! Men! I need some questionable nude platform heels from 2007! I need some hastily added trains that don’t properly connect to your dress! I need ill-fitting suits in the crotch area! Ugh.

It’s ok, the Dally M Awards are coming up. And look, this isn’t always about roasting stylists for their inability to shop outside of those weird wedding shop outlet stores that loiter in the abyss of warehouse districts. It’s also PRETTY SPARKLY THINGS and SEXY HOT MEN!

I’m nothing if not a shallow bowerbird attracted to sparkles and good jawlines, you know what you came here for, let’s get into it.

BAYLEY FRITSCH & GUEST

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It’s going to get pretty clear pretty quickly that I don’t know any of these men, or women, or anything in fact. So the names of the people in these photos are a hundred percent taken from Getty, don’t @ me if they’re wrong or “uhurrrrr how sexist to write “guest” for this guys date”.

I mean, you can write that but someone else will come along (me, I’m petty) and school you. So. Anyway! Here’s a man in a tux jacket that is a size too small, and a lady in a pretty swishy pink dress that I wish had a belt but you can’t get everything in life. Mum taught me that when she wouldn’t let me have the Barbie caravan when I was 10.

JULIE AND LACHIE NEALE

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Some brain genius at Getty decided to wide-lens all the women with trains on their dresses, so I’m sorry if you’re looking at this photo like it’s a Where’s Wally page trying to see what these people are even wearing.

To me, this is how you do fancy-train-at-Aussie-event. It’s out there but it’s not like, here I come I’m Princess Margaret at the Ball. I love the lilac, I love the detail, I don’t love the clutch but honestly what clutches are ever cute? Can someone make some fucking cute clutches?? Julie was probably like for FUCKS sake, I have to take my phone and this is all that existed at the shops.

I applaud Lachie for adding a tizzy kerchief to his otherwise boring suit, but aside from that, no comment. DO BETTER, MEN. FASHION ISN’T JUST FOR THE LADIES. Don’t make them hoist you out of wallflower status, put in work.

JACK & CHARLOTTE VINEY

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I see what she was going for here, but I just cannot get on board with diamante encrusted turtlenecks. You can’t make me! I won’t do it! I wish it didn’t have the turtleneck and it was just a cool robe dress (obviously they’d have to make the split a bit less heres-my-vagina in that scenario).

What the FUCK is going on with you, Jack? Fix your goddamn shirt before you go in front of the cameras, it’s like he went and did a nervous poo and then hurriedly shoved his tux shirt into his pants with gay abandon. Christ.

MARC & JESSIE MURPHY

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Oh man, hands up if you wish Jessie could put her hands up. Why are there attachable sleeves on this otherwise suuuuper cute dress. Also props to the makeup department because her glow is NEXT LEVEL and I mean that in a good way, I too would stick my leg out of that split if it looked that damn shimmery.

Marc’s pants are ill-fitting.

BRIT DAVIS & JKOEL SELWOOD

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I made a typo up there but I’ve decided all Joel’s should now be Jkoel’s, how much more mysterious and interesting does he sound, and all I did was accidentally smack my hand on the “K” button because my dog was licking cereal out of my bowl.

Joel looks good! A fitting suit, finally! I could have done with some brocade or a little fancy piping but you know what, I’m starting to realise these footy boys are generally averse to fun things. But just you wait, the fancy-pants ones who enjoy fashion are coming. There’s at least a few, thank god.

Brit looks good! I mean I wouldn’t choose this dress cos it’s quite princessy for me. But it’s pretty, the silver-grey really works for her and she could have gone too hard and demanded a train, I’m really glad she didn’t. GOOD JOB.

SCOTT & ALEX PENDLEBURY

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Alex is serving up SEXY PREGNANT LADY and it is a strong ten from me! You have no idea guys, my boss is pregnant at the moment and legit, finding things that don’t make you look like a colonial woman on the wing of a plane is HARD! Alex looks amazing. Also very into the dramatic drop earrings.

Scott almost got a strong 10 from me and then… what is that? Why is his BELT BUCKLE over-performing with a bright red racing stripe on it? Get out of my sight.

BRODIE GRUNDY & RACHAEL WERTHEIM

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I looooove a pantsuit but on closer inspection, this is a jumpsuit. Rachael looks great actually but can the WOMAN BREATHE? She looks like she’s sucked her air all the way into her top lungs and just plans to hold it there until the Brownlow Medal is over. Like I wish it was the pants, which look amazing, with a loose boxy blazer. Mainly for her health. Has someone checked on Rachael, did Brodie accidentally leave her passed out under the table with a prawn cocktail hanging from her hand?

I’m enjoying Brodie’s Harry Potter glasses. Boys in HP glasses can GET. IT. His blazer on the other hand looks like it’s for a small boy who is going to his first choir performance.

BROOKE & TRENT COCHIN

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Brooke’s gone for some sort of Matrix/Maleficent mash up and I don’t know how I feel about it. Mainly because it looks like she’s levitating and I can’t be sure she’s NOT… actually Maleficent.

Trent looks like he was curled in the foetal position in the limo ride over, and crinkled up his suit.

BEN & BELINDA CUNNINGTON

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WOOF, Ben’s a bit of a fox isn’t he? Love me a grizzly bald guy. This colour is Belinda’s through and through but it’s a TAD Strictly Ballroom is it not? Then again, maybe she wanted Strictly Ballroom. It’s a great movie. Maybe she’s a deeply obsessed SB fanatic and wears ball dresses every day, even when washing the dishes. I can’t fault this lifestyle choice. I’ve come back around, let the Strictly Ballroom fanatic through, everyone.

ANTHONY MCDONALD-TIPUNGWUTI & JANE MCDONALD

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ANTHONY IS HERE REPRESENTING THE NON-BORING-SUIT FOOTY PLAYEEEERS! Finally. Phew. Some VIBES up in here for the boys. I could have done without the satin edging which is making it all a bit Mr K, but honestly I’m just stoked someone had a bit of creative inspiration and chose to forgo standard black suits.

Loving Jane, she looks like a rich eccentric recluse who wears this around her large manor and feeds her 40 Saint Bernards venison every night. Which maybe she is, I wouldn’t know.

CLAYTON OLIVER & SOPHIE HARMER

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Look I really, really hate dresses with trains at these events but in the scheme of things, at least Sophie’s kind of warrants it with the fitted then flared business going on. Also, I love cotton candy pink. So it was always getting a pass from me.

TOM LYNCH & OLIVIA BURKE

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YES YES YES OLIVIA fucking murder me with this Studio 54 gold liquid amazingneeeeess! Would not change a THING she is heaven. This is my top pick. And look!! A suit that fits someone! It’s a Christmas miracle thank you baby cheeses! Well done, team.

JOSH KENNEDY & ANA CALLE

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This is what happens when a stylist says to you “more is more”. Although tbf the sunshiney yellow is a huge mood, and bonus – Ana can flop down into the middle of her dress, take the restrictive belt off and have a mid-medal zizz.

JACK BILLINGS & SARAH JOYCE

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I simply cannot get on board with the mullet dress resurgence. I know it’s a nod to the 80s. But I won’t do it. I almost did because the magenta is such a great colour on Sarah and if you’re gonna do 80s you should do PINK, but I refuse.

FELICITY HARRISON & TODD GOLDSTEIN

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I like this! It’s simple but elegant, and then the ruffles on the edge are cute… I don’t know about the all-over matching of red, like how cool would it have been if she had the red strappy heels and the lip but white accessories? But generally, great job. See I told you there were barely any questionable outfits this year.

Todd’s also gone for a spicy kerchief but he’s folded it weird. I can’t decide if I like that it’s just a strip of white, or annoyed at him for not just copying everyone else.

JANE BUNN

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Imagine this dress without the wings. Beautiful, no? The stunning beaded details, the fit… And then someone, I assume the designer but we can also blame the stylist here, went and stuck two boob wings on. NO ONE ASKED FOR BOOB WINGS, GUYS.

CALEB DANIEL & GUEST

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Oh HELL yes, look at these two. Fuck yeah Guest with your purple crop, and then choosing a slate-hued dress so your hair really was the centre of attention and RIGHTLY so! Fuck yeah, Caleb going for a blue velvet suit and looking like a right snack in the process!

Fuck yeahs all round.

DYSON HEPPELL

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I cannot. I simply. I. I am. Just.

Look I can see the injury. I understand he may have been unable to get pants over that cast. But WHY ARE HIS SHORTS SO FITTED I CAN SEE TWIN BALLS. Who made this sweet boy suit bike shorts? He didn’t know. He is but an injured little bird. Someone was cruel and they should pay dearly.

NAT FYFE & ELEANOR BRADSHAW

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My whole life I thought this guy was NATE Fyfe? Has Getty got it wrong or me? I won’t be checking, I can tell you that for free. Places to meet, people to do as Kim Craig would say.

Nat has tizzied up his suit with some sort of long satin snake around his neck, which gets a no from me. That’s not how you do it. You can’t just add swathes of material and call it a day, son. That being said, he did a clashing navy/black thing with the jacket and pants and since this whole parade of faceless tuxedoed men has been boring as bat shit on a cold day (bat shit on a hot day being spicy and stinky, therefore exciting), he’s getting a pass for having a 10% level of interest to his outfit. Also, he’s Babetown Arizona population 1 (Nat Fyfe) so there’s also that.

Eleanor looks UNREAL, god I love metallics at the moment, especially bronze and gold. 10/10.

ADAM TRELOAR & KIM RAVAILLON

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Both decent, also Kim’s managed to find a good clutch! How the fuck did she do that! I’m impressed.

JESSICA TODD & MAX GAWN

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FUCK YES, I’m even letting the train fly past my eyes without a criticism because the lilac is gorge, and the pattern is divine.

EMMA & TOM HAWKINS

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I’ve never liked dresses that are pretending to be suits. Sorry! If your dress has a lapel I hate it.

Here is a thought – maybe all the men before with their obviously ill-fitting blazers just weren’t smart enough to leave the thing unbuttoned like Tom has here.

EMILY & ED CURNOW

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Oh man, I so so so wish Emily’s dress didn’t have the cape! The useless veil! The abomination to my eyes! Because otherwise this is all SO good, Greek goddess meets Beauty and the Beast, fuck yes. And Ed’s suit fits him! Let’s pretend we didn’t see the wonky bowtie! I actually did miss it because I was like SHEER UNACCEPTABLE CAPEEEEE!

KATE TURNER & DYLAN SHIEL

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All working for me. Even the pouffe of material on her left tit.

GEORGIA KELLY & NICK VLASTUIN

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Omg love all of this – love Georgia’s dress, it might even beat that gold one I said won on ground before. SO PRETTY. And Nick’s got a spotty kerchief! Adding a little zest to the proceedings here.

MIKAYLA & JAKE CRISP

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YES A PAIR OF GOOD SUITS AND A STRONG THIGH SPLIT. Get it, everyone in this photo.

SAMANTHA DOBBS & BRADLEY HILL

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I’ve been done with naked dresses since Beyonce at the Met Gala, I just cannot get on board when I can see your Bonds Cottontails (no shade bc I love Cottontails, comfy nan undies for life). But the lace detail is really something here, I think without the side cut-outs I could have been swayed?

A velvet blazer!!! Oh god I’m like a castaway on a desert island starved for water, and the water is footy players wearing anything besides a boring tux.

COURTNEY BRAHAM

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It’s overly dramatic but for some reason I back it? I think the pattern got me.

LAURA GRIFFIN

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We’re bordering on MTV VMAs attire here, but you can’t deny she looks amazing.

MICHAEL HURLEY & CHELSEA HEWSON

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Two massive thumbs up for Chelsea’s great dress (why is THIS shot in wide lens, Getty? There’s no train I hate you all) and for Michael’s snazzy navy suit.

JARRYD & SARAH ROUGHEAD 

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Sarah’s gone for a bit of a 90s nostalgia with the piecey hair and the nude slip thing, but what on god’s green earth is that necktie? Imagine the anxiety levels she had all night that someone was going to tread on the end of the thing and kill her unknowingly?

MICHAEL & MARNIE WALTERS

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Can everyone stop looking so good? The only thing I can even fault here is Michael’s fitted shirt, and even then I can’t because he did a chic all-black suit thing and that’s refreshing in my sea of borza tuxes. And Marnie’s all glowy and shimmery UGH STOP BEING ATTRACTIVE AND WELL DRESSED EVERYONE.

SOPHIE BARBOUR

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Oooooft this is maybe my stand out fave now. I love it. The hair, the simple elegance, the modern mildly-metallic beige. She could have looked like a large, standing kick-ons couch in this colour with that much material, but she’s working it like crazy.

DAVID & SALLY MUNDY

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I see a sneaky little set of questionable nude heels under there, Sally! You’re lucky you hid them under a really, really gorgeous dress!

BEN & HESTER BROWN

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THIS is a well-fitting suit, baby!!! Good job! And you know what I’m actually here for Hester’s sort of medieval, I am the Princess of Genovia vibe? I could do without the plait headband but the dress, the vampy nails, the ye olde earrings are a vibe and a half.

MARNIE O’CONNOR & SEBASTIAN ROSS

Brownlow Medal
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Oooofty that is a great dress. A 100/10 all over vibe – the slicked back hair, and the subtle gold/red accessories? Obsessed.

JARROD BERRY, HUGH MCCLUGGAGE, CHARLIE CAMERON & TOM FULLARTON

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Waitwaitwaitwait. Are these boys going stag? Is that what’s happening here? They’ve done that school formal thing where the dudes without girlfriends were all “let’s go as a BRO GROUP, BRO!!!!” and then high-five for 40 hours? If so – I LOVE IT SO MUCH. It is so batshit, like just go on your own? Individually? But it’s also so Year 10 formal I just needed this in my life.

Also to every single one of these lads – U UP?

NATALIE CINI

Brownlow Medal
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Yesssss serve us that Little Mermaid realness! (I’ve watched too much Pose, can you tell).

Oh my CHRIST that was a long list. I’m leaving you with my favourite power move moments from Getty – footy players re-organising their partner’s trains.

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They’re like GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR YOU LIL BITCH AND ALIGN MY TRAIN.