A Highly Factual Explainer On What Your Netball Position Says About You

There have been many, many iterations of the “what your netball position says about you” yarn, from Mamamia to Daily Life to… UK Metro? Weird. I guess the Brits love netball too. Even Red Bull, like the drink brand, had one when I searched. I can safely tell you I have read NONE OF THESE because I didn’t want their opinions infecting mine, the truest opinion.

[jwplayer 9XIhCin2]

What makes me such an expert on netball positions? Um, AHEM – I’m only part of the most famous netball team on the internet, The Sharon Strzeleckis. Known for our appearance on TODAY and no I will never fucking shut up about it, it has been the highlight of my life.

Obviously I consulted my team mates for this very well-thought-out article, by which I mean I demanded the group chat validate my opinions and maybe add some extra spice. I’m a GD, baby. You’ll soon see this is very in character.

Without further ado, let’s get into it, eh? With a Their-Centre-Our-Goal attitude, please.

1. Centre

If you’re a centre, you’re absolutely the organiser of your team. You’re the one who begs and begs the group chat for their season dues, posting pass agg message after pass agg message until everyone has paid. Every season you say you won’t be the money guy, but once again – you are the money guy. Because you’re organised, baby!

You own a lot of stationery. Your undie drawer is tiny rolled sets and you don’t have any knickers that sag down to your thighs with holes in the crotch. You’re an over-achiever at work. And my god, you never, ever run out of steam. Safe to say, you’re always the last person on the d-floor.

2. Wing Attack

WA’s are eager to please. So, so eager to please – you’re like a puppy dog that was cute at first but is starting to piss everyone off with your incessant licking. Stop licking your team-mates legs all the time, WA. Wing Attack people just pop up unexpectedly all the time – they’re that mate you run into at every goddamn party, because they seem to know everyone and are constantly in a state of FOMO. You click attending to any Facebook event, even those awful ones your friends boyfriend sends for his like, really shitty alt-country band. And you’ll go to it, too.

Additionally, you’re super loyal in a bit of a psycho way – WA people are the friends who will throw a drink in your ex’s face when you spot him at the pub, you know? Good on you, WA. Just maybe don’t get arrested for keying their car, k?

3. Wing Defence

You’re just happy to be here, WD. Happy to be included, down for whatever as long as you feel part of the gang. You’re the one who breaks up arguments and wants all your friends to just fucking get along, for god’s sake.

For all this emotional maturity, WDs somehow ALWAYS end up with fuckboys who inevitably drop them like a poo on fire after 3 weeks, as fuckboys do. You know why? Because you’re TOO trusting, WD. Stop trusting those fuckboys.

WD people have absolutely batshit Spotify recommendation playlists because they listen to fucking everything, including Tibetan throat chants.

4. Goal Attack

Every goal attack was the queen bee in high school. Think Blair from Gossip Girl. Season 1 Summer from The OC. Cheryl Blossom from Riverdale. You know, popular and you know it vibes, a little bitchy but mainly just top dog of the school. Total attention seekers, too.

You grew out of the top dog thing though, and now you’re less bitchy, more that person who makes friends in seconds and seems to excel at everything – so you’re still really annoying, but it’s harder to hate you because you’re nice now, not a trash human.

You didn’t outgrow the attention seeking thing though, and you’re absolutely that person at parties who is first to climb on the table to slut-drop to ‘Milkshake’. Except these days you won’t stink-eye anyone else who dares to join you.

5. Goal Defence

You are a bossy shit, aren’t you GD? I say this with love as I am also a GD (can you tell?). You’re a total control freak – you like to pretend you’re chill with leaving plans to other people, but actually you will start putting your fingers in all the pies and basically taking over in the end.

You’re not the person in the group chat who MAKES the plan, but you’re absolutely the person who ends up overtaking said plans and choosing the bar, the attendees, and no we can’t go to that bar it doesn’t have enough seating. People let you do this because you’re usually right, but you also know you’re right which is irritating.

Interestingly, while you’re a total control freak, your drunk persona is wildly self-destructive. GD people drink beer, but then when they’re drunk they start ordering complicated cocktails that cost a million dollars and texting all the people in their phone with ‘Tinder’ or ‘Bumble’ next to their names.

6. Goal Keeper

Oh GK. You’re a bit of an awkward one, aren’t ya? Very GK areas – having a convo and then telling a personal anecdote that seemed funny in your head but comes out really weird IRL.

GK types are happy to do all the work in the group uni assignment but not do any of the speaking, and if the speaker takes all the credit for their work they’ll let it slide because they’re too non-confrontational to make a scene.

But really, GK people are holding it all together. You’re definitely the one who cleans out the cat litter in your sharehouse, for example.

You’re so lovely and adorably awkward, everyone attracted to your gender in your friendship group is secretly in love with you.

7. Goal Shooter

GS, you’re pretty shy and reserved – you don’t want the limelight (on the netball court or IRL) and you’re happy to just sit back and get shit done without too much praise or fanfare.

People may mistake you for being a bit of Beigetown Arizona, but they’d be fucking wrong because you are a secret psycho, GS. I’m talking that messy drunk who quietly manages to destroy the entire kitchen c/o clumsiness and reckless destructiveness, who is told the next day they were found curled up in the dog bed outside because they thought the dog was lonely.

GS’s, fact, are absolute freaks in the sheets – they may be a slow burn to get to know, but when they’re DTF they’re into all the crazy shit. Don’t underestimate a GS.