Psychic Penguins Are Accurately Predicting Women’s World Cup Winners & I’m Deeply Invested

psychic penguins women's world cup results

A cabal of penguins charged with psychic energies has predicted who is going to win the next match in the Women’s World Cup. Will Australia continue its winning streak or will Nigeria put us in our place? Who can say for sure but a bunch of penguins?

Deep in the heart of SEA LIFE Sydney Aquarium is a colony of Gentoo penguins with the unique ability to correctly predict the results of a human soccer match despite the fact they barely have any idea what “soccer” even is or where the hell they are. That’s just how fearsome their powers are.

The Gentoo penguins, who I would trust with my life, correctly predicted the winner of the Australia vs the Republic of Ireland match just over a week ago.

They “predict” a winner by nudging a little soccer ball to one of two keepers.

One holds a tiny little flag representing the country Australia is going up against, and the other, a massive bedsheet-sized Australian flag.

If I was a psychic Gentoo penguin, I know which violently-shaking flag I’d want to go towards.

For the next match, they’ve also predicted that Australia will take the cake. The crown? The golden boot? I dunno what soccer players get as a reward for their good kicking.

Technically these psychic penguins have a 100% success rate so I have no reason to doubt their accuracy.

Something about the flag size difference is SENDING me.

Well, friends, you’ve heard it here first. Australia will be winning its next match in the Women’s World Cup.

And if we don’t, I guess we can blame the psychic Gentoo penguins for leading us astray. Not that they’d ever dare do such a thing.