The brewery behind one of Australia’s most iconic beers, Victoria Bitter, has decided to add shit to the Ashes stew by releasing a limited edition brew for the English cricket team. The name, you ask? Why, it’s none other than “England Bitter”!
GOTTEM. I wonder if Ben Stokes, Jonny Bairstow et al. will be … stumped.
Brewing giant Carlton and United Breweries has sent a few slabs of England Bitter to Headingley, where the third Test of the Ashes series will be held.
The grog was accompanied by a note inviting the English cricket team, noted sooks, to drink their v. thoughtful gift after the third Test, which is set to end on Monday, July 10.
“You can get it not protecting your stumps, you can get it ignoring the umps,” the note said, per PerthNow.
It’s giving iconic. You simply love to see it.
“We know the English are bitter about the Lord’s Test, but when they’re feeling less bitter we’ve got a beer to shout them … our fresh new England Bitter,” VB marketing manager Marc Lord said, per 10Play.
“England Bitter has got their name on it, and we’re sending a few slabs to the English Cricket team to enjoy once they’ve cooled off.
“We raise our glass to the whole Australian team for securing a famous win in the second Test, and wish them the best of luck in winning the series.”
In case you’ve somehow missed the deeply messy drama, England chucked its toys out of the pram on Monday, which was the final day of the second Ashes Test at Lord’s.
Bairstow, England’s wicketkeeper, was batting and ducked under a high ball. Mistakenly thinking the play was over, he walked out of his crease to gasbag with Stokes. A bit off with the fairies, if you will.
So Australia’s wicketkeeper, Alex Carey, got his ass into gear. He quickly picked up the ball and hurled it at the stumps as Bairstow walked away, knocking them over.
England, a team of babies, spat the dummy ‘cos they reckon the stumping was “not in the spirit of the game”, even though the move was perfectly legitimate. Absolutely sounds like something the dweeb on your high school netball team would say when you suggested a spot of gentle — and lawful! — psychological manipulation to spook the other team.
When the Australian team was walking back into the clubhouse, Marylebone Cricket Club members — who are allowed to hang out in the same room as the players — started getting aggy as anything, unleashing verbal abuse. One fella, an absolute madman, even tried to trip Australian batsman David Warner. Doesn’t sound like they were abiding by the “spirit of the game”, if you ask me.
And while England’s players and coach, Brendon McCullum, have been on their holier-than-thou shit, receipts show Bairstow tried to stump Australian batter Marnus Labuschagne mere days earlier. The sheer gall!
Some truly scandalous scenes, lads. At least the English cricket team will have a nice slab of England Bitter to guzzle while they undoubtedly continue their big sook!
Image credit: Getty Images / Visionhaus & 9News
