We may not have won the Cricket World Cup but Australia beat the living piss out of England in the first Ashes Test Match at Edgbaston and, in a way, that’s the much larger and much more important victory. Not just because the holy Steve Smith smashed back-to-back tons in his comeback test match, and not just because winning a test at Edgbaston is something Australia hasn’t been able to do since the early 2000s. It’s a massive win, by and large, because we now get to mercilessly hang shit on the English until at least the start of the second test at Lord’s next week. And to that end, Vegemite has fired the largest and perhaps most definitive shot; striking a blow where it hurts the English the most: Their pitiful excuses for toast spreads.
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Vegemite officials infiltrated the UK’s Daily Mirror overnight, taking out a giant full-page ad that bashed the English cricket team, English taste buds, English fortitude, and just about everything else they could manage to squeeze into a couple of paragraphs.
Nestled up against the Mirror’s Ashes coverage, the ad correctly pointed out the established fact that Marmite is weak slop for enfeebled gits who think common table pepper is “too spicy.”
For those of you keeping score at home, the stinging missive reads thusly:
G’day.
News has reached Down Under that free jars of Marmite are being handed out at the Ashes to try to prove it tastes better than our Vegemite. Are you guys Barmy? Of course the refined English palate will prefer yours.
You see, Vegemite is a far stronger taste, made of resilience and fortitude with a dash of cunning and guile. Vegemite tastes like back-to-back tons on your return Test. Vegemite tastes like a come-from-behind victory by 251 runs.
You lot won’t like the taste of Vegemite, because Vegemite tastes like Australia.
Catch ya at Lord’s.
There’s simply no coming back from that. It’s a pure killshot.
Enjoy your weak jammy crap, England.
How good’s the Ashes.
