Think of the beach as a partner you’ve been feeling trapped with for several years. Sure, you feel somewhat satisfied and refreshed after being with them, but there’s only so many times you can lie like a motionless starfish pretending to give a fuck while they turn you red raw, you know?
That’s why – other than obviously adding sunscreen or a lube equivalent to the equation – you need to spice up your beach game in the same way you’d treat a lifeless relationship. But instead of reverse cowgirling (there are some places sand just shouldn’t go), a bunch of beach games or sports could be just the thing to bring a little action to your resting beach face.
1. KEEP YOUR FEET IN TACT-ATHON
This is a game that Aussies don’t get to play by choice. It pretty much means: bolt as fast as you can from the carpark to the water, which in turn will stop your feet from melting. Turn it into a race between you and your friends, because like, you’re going to be running anyway.
2. RESTING PEE FACE
There is no shame in weeing in the ocean (floaters, however, are a different story altogether). That being said, it’s a challenge to master the golden wave without your mates noticing. A few tips? Keep moving – do not, at any point, remain stationary. Also, go in at least as deep as your belly button. Nothing says “I’m hanging a piss” like crouching down or stopping once you get to the hips. Go it alone if you can, but if you can’t then at least win the game you playin’.
3. GET YOUR ‘STRAYA ON
It doesn’t get as full-blown ‘STRAYA as playing cricket on the beach with a cheap-as-shit setup (to substitute the real thing). We’re sure you know the rules (as they are the same as the ones you use for your backyard hootnannies). However, you might want to take advantage of the fact that there is, you know, a ‘uge body of water right next to you, and hit that ball so bloody hard that your mates have to dive catch into the water. Which brings us to our next point, actually.
4. PLAY FETCH LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE
Fetch-style games are perfect for human labradors, which I know y’all are. Basically bring anything down to the beach that requires you to throw and catch. A frisbee, football, beach ball – you can even still snap up that grip ball game we all played as kids, which is a fucking hoot. You know what, just throw around anything you can find that has enough weight in it to work. A banana, a drink bottle, you name it – just appropriately dispose of it after you’ve had your fun. No one likes a beach tosser.
5. SCHNITZEL YOUR M8 MITCHELL
If you’re a real piece of shit, you can push a mate into the sand after he comes out of the water. The result is like breadcrumbs to raw meat, hence the game’s name of ‘Schnitzel’.
6. YA GOTTA BE FLIPPIN’ ME
Grab a pile of sand and rest it on your palm. Then throw the sand up, while you flip your hand and catch the sand on the top of your hand, palm down. Repeat. You’ll lose a bunch of sand along the way but that’s the point. See how many flips you can do until there’s no sand left. Compete against your mate or just yourself, because not all of us have friends and that’s okay.
7. DIG YOURSELF A HOLE
This is no less fun as you grow up, yet somehow all’a us stop doing it at some point. Dig yourself or your mate a hole in the sand, get in it – you know the drill. If having sand topped onto you makes you feel claustrophobic (guilty), it won’t be time wasted. Shape the perfect mould for your body (boobs, groin, back arch etc) so you can at least try and relax in the comfort of your new sand lounge. Then read a book to keep your mind activated, you restless thang.
8. TRY NOT TO DIE
The beach is full of dangerous shit. It’s always fun (albeit in a heart-racing, scared AF kind of way) to tread the water because you can’t stand the thought of your feet touching anything other than sand, deciding whether or not that thing next to your feet is in fact seaweed of your impending demise, and putting enough sunscreen on so that you’re basically unrecognisable to anyone you’ve met since leaving the womb.
Beach, please.
