Let’s be clear about one thing: when a relative asks about our love lives, they genuinely mean well. Our family members just want us to be happy and, in their minds, having a partner equates to said happiness. So when they inquire about our dating escapades – or lack thereof – it definitely stems from a place of love.
That being said, stepping into a family Christmas dinner as a singleton simultaneously means often having to dodge relationship question minefields every 5 minutes, and then having to be on the receiving end of a well-intended pause, or slight ‘oh well’ sigh.
But being single is fun as hell, so here are some equally fun ways to dodge those pesky relationship questions or sidetrack a drunk relative when they ask, “so do you have a special someone?”
- Skull your flute of Prosecco. Skull all of it. Right in front of them. Then throw the flute across the room in a dramatic fashion. As they stare at the shards of flute in astonishment, run. Run faster than Usain Bolt during the 2009 World Athletics Championships. Being in such a state of shock, they’ll inevitably forget the question.
- Show them this Amazon tee:
- Stare at them vacantly while secretly turning up the volume on the speakers, which will be blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, no doubt. As they repeat the question, turn up the volume again, this time mouthing “I can’t hear you”, before breaking out into a Mariah lip-sync extravaganza. Feel free to repeat dot point 1 after this, purely for the drama.
- Start laughing. Keep laughing. Don’t stop laughing for a full 25 seconds. Then stop. Eat a sliver of turkey.
- Open up your dating apps – be it Tinder, Grindr, the lot – and start scrolling through your list of matches. That’ll show them how baller you truly are.
- “‘Cause I’m the baddest bitch in the game, and no one can truly handle this jelly, PERIOD.” *Strut off into the distance for further effect*
- Remind them how well you’re doing in your career. That’ll stop them dead in their tracks.
- In fact, distract them with any of your talents or successes. Tell them how good you are at beer pong, or that once you got through a full day without crying. These are impressive, and will surely remind your relative that, despite your singledom, you’re full of many redeemable qualities.
- Respond with “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- Hijack the speakers and blast Lizzo. Let that goddess explain.
- Recreate this GIF:
- Respond with any Beyoncé song title. “Pretty Hurts”, for example. “Broken-Hearted Girl”, even. There are literally so many Bey songs can perfectly summarise your situation.
- Speaking of pretty hurting, “I’m too hot lol.”
Now run wild my fellow single cherubs. And after the Christmas lunch, feel free to fucc as many festive people as possible – now that’s something that the average monogamous couple can’t do. Suckers.Image: Getty Images / Michael Stewart