A bloke found out his girlfriend was cheating on him after calling The Kyle & Jackie O Show, which is objectively the worst way to learn such information. Thoughts and feelings, chief.
The fella called the program on Wednesday to speak to Dr Kiis AKA Dr Sam Hay, a general practitioner who regularly jumps on-air with Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O to answer callers’ medical questions.
“Me and the missus were rooting the other night and I pulled a condom out of her bum,” the man said.
“I was just wondering, do you think she’s going to be alright?”
Look, I’m just gonna say it: this man is a natural storyteller. You need chutzpah to say the words “missus”, “rooting” and “bum” on live radio and this king has got it in spades. Love him.
Kyle and Jackie were a tad confused by the question and the story, and you know what? Valid.
“Hang on — is that your condom, or just a rando that was in there?” Kyle asked.
“Like, you found a condom in there from a while back? Or was it the condom you were using … and you pulled it out at the end?” Jackie queried.
The man said he “couldn’t remember putting one in there”, and it was at this moment a cheating-shaped lightbulb went off in his head. It’s not looking good, mates.
“We were doing the deed, you know, turned her over for a bit of doggie style and yeah, there was just this condom sitting there,” he said.
After a bit of back-and-forth with noted sexologist Kyle Sandilands, it was established that the condom had indeed come out of the girlfriend’s bum hole.
“Had you had anal sex prior to that night? Like, just recently?” Jackie asked.
“Not for a long time, no,” the man replied.
It’s. Not. Looking. Good. Mates.
Kyle asked Dr Kiis how long the “dinger” can last in “the ass” and before the bloke with the medical degree had the chance to answer, Jackie piped up to speculate that it couldn’t have been yonks because the woman has got to go poo-poo.
Jackie asked the man where his girlfriend was the night before they had nookie, and he said he had no idea ‘cos he was out partying.
Unfortunately, Dr Kiis said there would’ve been a 24-hour window from the time the condom made its way into the anal cavity to the time it moseyed out of there.
“The simple answer is that it could not last in there for months,” he said said.
“Firstly, it would pass through with at least one, if not the second passing of stool.
“Secondly, it would break down quite quickly.”
When the man confronted his girlfriend about the rogue condom, she was reportedly just as shocked as him and couldn’t explain its origin story.
Look, I know this entire cheating-related conversation would’ve been fucking hectic for this poor bloke, but at least he can take solace in the fact he had the best people on the case: Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O. Nothing can get past those two bloodhounds, especially when you consider that one of them is Zac Efron‘s bestie. You need to be cluey if you want to be mates with an A-lister, you know?
Image credit: Instagram / @kyleandjackieo