In Pawsitively Wild News, A Dog Trainer Reckons Pooches Can Tell If You’ve Been Root Ratting

A sausage dog wearing a red collar giving a suspicious side-eye glance with text which reads: "you dirty dog"

In truly ruff news for root rats, a dog behaviourist revealed pooches can sniff out cheating. I can’t think of anything more awkward than having your sausage dog know where *your* sausage has been, frankly.

I hope this information brings closure to the likes of Ned Fulmer and Adam Levine, who have both spent months wondering why their dogs have been looking at them weirdly. Mystery solved, lads!

Dog trainer Anna Webb, who hosts a podcast called A Dog’s Life, divulged the pawsitively random revelation to UK publication The Daily Star.

“Your dog certainly knows where you have been,” she said.

“Their sense of smell is their superpower. When a new scent is sniffed, they will remember it, especially when it’s correlated with the owner’s mood.

“Does this scent mean my human is happy, sad, stressed out or anxious?”

According to Webb, dogs are ace at detecting debauchery ‘cos they have 220 million scent receptors in their schnozes while weak, cowardly human noses only have five million.

With such a powerful snout it’s no wonder Scooby-Doo is such a brilliant detective. His deduction skills are simply unparalleled.

Webb also said pooches have the brain capacity to store every scent they’ve ever sniffed, which is basically like a ‘yuge computer full of smelly smells that smell smelly. Mr. Krabs in that one episode of SpongeBob SquarePants has been found shaking.

Some dogs are also naturally better sniffers than others, which means particular breeds will find it easier to smell out someone’s philandering ways.

“Certain breeds are known for the ability to engage their noses — labradors, retrievers, spaniels are hunting dogs designed to sniff for a purpose,” Webb said.

“Some dogs are shrinking violets and internalise change and it brews deep anxiety but they just get on with life. Others, like the comedians — Frenchies, bull terriers — might display their annoyance at having been left out of the party by shredding your slippers.

“But make no mistake that all dogs have the power to be detectives on your antics.”

I’m a bit gagged at French bulldogs and bull terriers being referred to as “comedians” and the implication that they’ll respond to a cheating scandal by eating your shoes. We all deal with things differently, I guess.

In saying all of this, it’s not entirely clear how pooches can communicate to other humans that their owner is having an affair. As much as I’d love The Secret Life of Pets to be real, at this late stage dogs cannae talk.

Will they give forlorn looks to folks who have no idea their partner is in their Tristan Thompson era? Or will they simply deliver a deep, exasperated sigh whenever the cheating shitbag walks into the room? We just don’t know.