CONTENT WARNING: This story contains footage which may be distressing to some readers.

A poor wee green snake tried copping a lift in a New South Wales family’s car by hiding in the bonnet and it went about as well as you would expect. And when I say that, I mean the hiss puppy emerged out of said bonnet mid-drive and started flapping around like a flaccid penis, causing the passengers to go balls to the wall.

Forster woman Kerry Jenkins (@kerryjenkins32) uploaded a vid of the chaotic incident to TikTok, which has since amassed nearly 14 million views.

Just a warning: the TikTok is pretty fucking gnarly. However, as you’ll learn by the end of this story, the snake wasn’t harmed following its attempt to catch a lift from Darlington Beach to Forster.

@kerryjenkins32 Soooo this happened! 🤬 warning! #hitchhiker #snakesoftiktok #snakeinmycar #snake #ridealong #treesnake #stuckinmycar #burnthecar ♬ original sound – Kerry Jenkins

Quite a bit to unpack here.

Firstly: the poor snake violently flip flopping in the wind. My heart is breaking for the ‘lil thing but my stomach is also resisting the almighty urge to vomit. My body is confused. It doesn’t know what to do.

Secondly: the commentary is the most deeply Australian thing I have ever heard in my entire life. I’ve never heard someone say, “Carhn’t do ehnything,” with such gusto and for that, I thank the bloke for his truly stunning set of pipes. God’s work.

Thirdly: surely at some stage during this whole two-minute “there’s a snake in my bonnet” situation, there was one appropriate time to pull over?

I am a horrific driver and failed my test seven times (don’t ask, please) but, like, isn’t the point of having hazard lights that you can pull over and whack ’em on during an emergency? Is a rogue snake concussing itself on your bonnet not an acceptable circumstance in which to do such a thing?

On that note, you’re probably thinking to yourself: “What the fuck happened to that snake?” Well, our girl Kerry posted a follow-up TikTok explaining just that.

Basically, she and her family eventually found a safe place to pull over and saw that the snake was still hanging onto the front grill. It slithered onto the ground (yay) but then decided to hop back into the car beneath the motor (not yay) and, with the help of a kind traveller, tried to find the scaly pal but were unable to.

They pulled over a few more times to look for the reptile and, at one point, Kerry’s son actually tried to catch it but failed. Alright Robert Irwin 2.0, simmer down there.

On Monday at precisely 4.13pm AEST, Kerry’s partner opened the bonnet to look for the slippery sucker and found it sitting smack-bang on the motor. He slammed it shut, as any normal person would do, and when Kerry went to take a squiz at the hissy hooligan all she could see was its tail.

@kerryjenkins32 We were on holidays at Darlington Beach, 30kms north of Coffs Harbour, travelling home to Forster. We had been on the road for 250ks, 30ks from home on the Pacific Highway, when we noticed a little yellow head. I grabbed the phone & started recording. We didn’t know what to do! We assumed it would just fly off, & didn’t think it would have held on for so long. We knew the turn off wasn’t far away, & wanted to be safe off the highway before we pulled over. Once we pulled over we could see it was still hanging onto to the front grill. It slid onto the ground & then back up into the under motor. A fellow helped us look, with no success. You can see in 2nd video. We continued to drive home, and looked again on and off over the next few hours. With a torch we ended up seeing him, and my son tried to catch him and get him out and he darted back into the motor. Again unsuccessful. We waited overnight and I’ve looked again in the morning and found nothing. I would have assumed he got out and escaped. 4.13pm today 5th Dec 2022 my partner just popped the bonnet (unfortunately without videoing) and he was sitting on top of the motor, my partner dropped the bonnet afraid (massive snake phobia) I opened it back up and we could see his tail sliding back into a crevice. #windscreenviper #treesnake #ridealong #burnthecar #stuckinmycar #snakesoftiktok #hitchhiker #snake ♬ original sound – Kerry Jenkins

So yes, the snake is alive and well but much like your gronk ex-boyfriend, it doesn’t want to vamoose its caboose anytime soon. Maybe it’s just desperately lonely à la Sharon Strzelecki in Kath & Kim and is aching to form some sort of lovely bond with the Jenkins family? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Image: TikTok / @kerryjenkins32 & The Simpsons / Gracie Films / 20th Television