A woman in the Northern Rivers got a goodnight surprise when she found a snake in her bed this week. I’m not talking about the fuckboy variety, but a real, slithery, scaled and hissy snake. Excuse me while I unsubscribe to everything about this thank you very much.

Myocum local Chelsea Spooner shared a photo of the coily-boi to her Instagram story on Tuesday night after her housemate Cloudz went to hop into bed and found it curled up under the blankets.

“We were all having dinner and a few drinks,” she told PEDESTRIAN.TV.

“Then Cloudz went off to bed and — actually her reaction was very tame — she just stuck her hand under the pillow to snuggle in and then touched it.

“It looked cute, it looked comfy.”

NO. NO NO NO NO NO.

byron bay myocum snake bed
NO THANK YOU. [Image: Supplied]
She then called out to Chelsea and another friend to come and help somehow. After they composed themselves from the shock they had to figure out how to get the slippery sucker back out of the house.

“We were a bit stunned really,” Chelsea said.

“I went and got a broom and just opened a window and ushered it outside very softly.”

Apparently, the snek usually lives in the roof of their house but had snuck inside through an open window during the recent hot weather in the Northern Rivers area.

“I’ve seen him outside plenty but never inside,” she said.

“He’s our resident python.”

Chelsea reckons the snake was about two and a half to three metres long. Jesus H Christ on a bike that’s on the large side of things when it comes to carpet pythons. Again, absolutely no thank you. None of this for me, I’m full thanks.

The housemates have since decided it’s time to keep their legless friend outside for good and are making sure he can’t slither his way back into the house again.

“I actually just went and bought a whole roll of flyscreen,” Chelsea said.

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I cannot stress to you how much I would lose my absolute shit if I tried to climb into bed and found a whole-ass carpet python in there just having a snooze. I would honestly walk out the door and never come back. Just walk straight into the sea instead of dealing with a massive snake in my sleep zone.

Massive props to these two women for keeping a lid on it and coaxing their slithery pal back outside where he belongs.

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Image: Supplied