Good evening to everyone except for the absolute grottiest human of all time, who literally picked their date’s nose (already unacceptable) and then ATE IT. I’ve had enough fucking internet today.

Let me begin with a story.

Picture me, innocently scrolling through Facebook at 2am, trying to get over my daily stresses and enter that sweet, sweet zombie-face coma that comes with a late night internet perusal.

I double tap some memes, watch a couple of TikTok videos, block a problematic high school friend, etc etc.

Then, I come across a post from the Bad Dates Of Melbourne Facebook page, which is one of my fave things on Facebook. Or at least, that’s what Facebook tells me, because they decided my interests. Capitalism. Whatever

Anyway.

I get excited at the prospect of another post hilariously recapping a date gone wrong – what is it this time? Was he already married? Did she lie about her job? Does he look nothing like his pictures? Or did one of them shit themselves, and now they’re married? (If you know, you know).

Oh, how naive I was. How innocent, to think that the worst thing that could happen on a date was shitting yourself. But alas, I was proven wrong, in the most violent means possible. Behold, the post that ruined it all:

date nose pick
SCREAMS INTO ABYSS

“A Tinder hook up once removed my booger straight from my nose and ate it.”

I JUST…. WHAT.

Somebody submit this to those ’15 word horror story’ things but this is truly the most cursed post I have ever read in my life, and I have been in several of those imploded Facebook podcast groups. (Again, if you know you know).

It’s like a train wreck, I just keep reading it over and over again, expecting it to change or be less traumatic, like when I constantly check my empty fridge.

To OP, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this happened to you. But I will also be sending you my invoice for trauma counselling because this is something that should NOT have left your therapist’s office. Why would you drag me into this?????

Now that I had to read that with my own two eyes, so do you. Suddenly, social distancing on dates sounds like a fucking incredible initiative.