If there’s one thing men that’s synonymous with men (except for replying to Instagram Stories with a flame emoji and then saying the worst sentence imaginable), it’s being pigeonholed into bizarre and deeply stereotypical Christmas present ideas. You know the ones —a beard oil which smells like smoke, something to do with whiskey or quirky socks. Well, one woman on Twitter recognised how bloody odd and unhelpful such ideas are, so she straight up asked blokes what they truly want for Christmas. Unfortunately, the ideas she copped are somehow more confusing and have left my wee ‘lil noggin spinning.
Twitter user Rosemary Card (@RosemaryCard), we thank you for taking the bull by the horns in your quest to find out what men actually want in a Christmas gift. We salute you.
In a tweet which has amassed more than five thousand replies and 39,000 likes, she asked: “MEN! Every list says you want beard oil, a pocket knife or something leather. WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT?”
MEN! Every list says you want beard oil, a pocket knife, or something leather. WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT?
— Rosie Card (@RosemaryCard) December 15, 2022
A brave, stunning, iconic and noble question. But the ideas in the replies? Consider me hoodwinked, bewildered, baffled and bemused.
Now, obviously, the following ideas may actually make stacks of fellas cream their jeans. I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yum and I know variety is the spice of life. I’m just mildly confused by the range, which artfully deviates from “extremely specific foodstuffs” to “knifes are amazing”.
It also must be said that my Dad is a strict gift voucher kind of man and all the other blokes I know are lovers of natural wine and incense. They are not sharp, pointy thing stans.
Caveats aside, let’s peruse some of the suggestions which offer a glimpse into the minds of men.
If it’s a heteronormative/masculine/stereotypical guy, just go down the camping isle at Walmart and pick something. If he doesn’t own a machete, that’s always a good bet. Probably won’t use it much, but will be one of his favorite gifts of all time 10/10.
— Al May 🌹🌹 (@alpalmay) December 15, 2022
I actually just looked up what machetes are used for because all I know is that they’re amazing for inflicting harm and cutting down vegetation. It also seems like they’re great for filleting fish on camping trips and chopping wood to make a fire, so who am I to argue with that?
But unless he’s Ron Swanson from Parks & Recreation, I’m not sure if I’d go as far as saying it’ll be one of his favourite gifts of all time.
A super cool laser heat sensor ray gun is always a solid choice. And. It finds all those hot and cold insulation leaks. And. The cat loves it. Real talk ladies. pic.twitter.com/tfHoXlpEY7
— Mike Busby (@MikeBusby6) December 17, 2022
I mean no disrespect to this man but “a super cool laser heat sensor ray gun is always a solid choice” is an extremely funny sentence.
If there’s one thing blokes love, it’s being gifted a tool used to detect hot and cold spots near doors and windows. ‘Nuff said.
Mechanical keyboard with the best sounding keys ever.
— Chris Porter (@PorterLearning) December 17, 2022
This one kind of confused me because I thought all keyboards were technically mechanical. But I have since learned that mechanical keyboards are for gamers and extremely serious typists who love nothing more than hearing a stunning “clickety clack” when they press caps lock.
Surely “the best sounding keys ever” is extremely subjective? If this could be customised, there’s the chance this could be the world’s best Christmas present idea for a man. Points have been made.
Big question. Religion & philosophy books, a PS5, time to write a novel, office supplies, an FX lightsaber, dune on Blu Ray, cookbooks, dumbbells, a set of power ranger Funko pops, Doritos, Burger Rings, fanta, L&P…
— Jose Antonio Gomez Romay (@Gengar_Gomez) December 15, 2022
Mans really said range and for that, I love him. If I were to make a Venn diagram of people who adore Power Ranger Funko Pops and books about religion and philosophy, the middle bit would be the size of the sun.
The food items have particularly intrigued me — would he just be happy with the Burger Rings and Fanta? Or are they small presents to add to the PlayStation 5? There are simply so many possibilities.
As for the novel situation, I don’t know how one could gift something of that nature. Would you send this man off to a cabin in the woods with no reception for eight months and just let him go for it? Maybe if he didn’t watch Dune (which nearly goes for three hours) on Blu-ray, he might have enough time to write a novel. I’m just putting it out there.
Knives, Hatchets, Machetes, Guns, Ammo, 20 Pounds of Ribeye Steaks, Chest Freezer, Power Tools, Propane and Propane Accessories
— Max (@BudderdCoffee) December 16, 2022
A shitload of knives, guns, ammo and a chest freezer? Now this is a man who loves his meat fresh. And if the hunt is unsuccessful, he’s got heaps of ribeye steak to fall back on, which is nice.
There is also the possibility this man is Hank Hill from King of the Hill with all that propane talk, but we can’t be sure.
New and exotic adhesives, as well as classics. Like, just glues to try on shit. Can include stuff like nails, brads, magnets, wire, twine, and Velcro, too. pic.twitter.com/IuCa9Y2WYR
— Quince Mountain (@QuinceMountain) December 17, 2022
I don’t know what exotic means in reference to adhesives. All I know is that I’ve been told I look “exotic” when I actually just have brown hair and eyes, but I don’t think that’s what this bloke is talking about.
I also never knew that men loved glueing shit together so much. The more you know!
A surprising number of men seem to want titanium sporks, which is cool I guess.
— Nate is so very tired. (@nf1nk) December 16, 2022
You know what they say! If you give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. If you give a man a titanium spork, he’ll have the ultimate feeding utensil.
Maybe you read this list and thought to yourself, “I can’t believe I never considered buying my boyfriend a super cool laser heat sensor ray gun,” in which case go off. But all I’ll say is I have learned more about men in one Twitter thread than I have in my 26 years on God’s green earth. Who knew they actually went so hog wild for knives?
If you still have no bloody idea what to get the men in your life, might I suggest perusing our Christmas gift ideas? From clothes to nutsack moisturiser and everything in between, there’s bound to be something he’ll be chomping at the bit for.
