What To Expect When You’re Expecting: The Closing Ceremony (Hint: Spice Girls)

[Tip: You might want to read the following with Vangelis’ Chariots of Fire on loop in your head, because that’s the state under which it was created.]

If it seems to you like weeks ago that the Games of the seXXXy Olympiad were declared open with Danny Boyle’s high-flying extravaganza that’s because it was literally two weeks ago. Although it seems like much longer, no?

On Monday morning the time will come for us to put aside our newfound fervour for sports like rhythmic gymnastics and sailing to rejoin the real world, but not without one last hurrah. The Closing Ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games will air at 6:00am Sydney time and today The Internet is abuzz with speculation for the line up for what has been dubbed “the greatest after-party in the world.”

So to add fuel to that slow-burning torch, here’s an audio-visual run down of What To Expect When You’re Expecting The Olympic Closing Ceremony.

“A Symphony of British Music”

The whole shebang has been dubbed “A Symphony of British Music” and is set to be one hell of an AV feast. Music director of the closing ceremony, David Arnold, has teamed up with theatrical and ballet director Kim Gavin and set designer Es Devlin, an old hand who has worked with both Rihanna and Lady Gaga – who despite her faux British accent (see Madonna) – isn’t actually British and thankfully won’t be making an appearance.

Arnold told The UK Telegraphit is really a celebration of Britishness in terms of the arts: design, fashion, fine art, poetry and playwriting all sitting fairly and squarely on popular music. It’s more theatrical than a concert because it covers every inch of the stadium. It’s a big ‘arms around the world’ event, where we are going to be asking people to get involved. Hopefully, it will be a big party.” Sounds fun!

More than 4,100 performers are involved, including 3,880 volunteers, and the festivities will take place over the two and a half hours, which gives plenty of time for you to…

Say You’ll Be There/Spice Up Your Life!

Well, this is definitely happening. These photos put to rest any long-lasting ‘Will they? Won’t they?‘ questions the world might’ve had about a potential Spice Girls reunion. Here are they, not even trying to hide the fact, rehearsing atop some LED pimped London cabs. The world’s worst secret keepers have been tweeting hints for a while now, with avid twitpic-er Victoria Beckham revealing that she’d unearthed her vintage, bedazzled rhinestone mic and would be wearing a custom Giles Deacon outfit styled by LOVE editor and stylist Katie Grand (fun facts, right?). This is a given:

On top of that clusterfuck of nineties nostalgia, it would also be fun to see an appearance from Kate Bush, singing an apt rendition of Running Up That Hill.

Muse will most likely play Survival, because it’s The Official Song Of The London 2012 Olympics.

Another definite: George Michael. I hope he plays Freedom, because that would be Amazing and apt, you know, with the free world watching and all.

Grab the kleenex. Adele could be performing her heartbreaker Someone Like You, because who would pass up an opportunity to make The Whole World cry? That might be too much of a kill joy though, so she might opt for her happy song instead; a song which doesn’t actually exist. My next best guess is Hometown Glory, because I am all about the literal song choice (you’ll see).

Ed Sheeran seems like a flame-haired big deal at the moment, so I’d tip him to make an appearance. Bonus points if Ron Weasley apparates into the stadium too.

The Who’s Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry have confirmed they’re playing, with Keith Moon a “maybe attending” (because he’s “dead”). However, that never stopped anyone, and Moon is tipped to make a Tupac-style cameo nonetheless. They’ll probably play from rock opera Quadrophenia because they’re about to tour it across North America, that and My Generation already made an Opening Ceremony appearance. Or whatever. They’re The Who and will play whatever they want!

There’s a part in Everything Is Illuminated (I think) when a light on Earth becomes visible from space on account of the collective orgasm of an entire village of women. This will be like but on a much, much larger scale when One Direction take to the stage. I predict Simon Cowell’s chino-clad progeny will sing That’s What Makes You Beautiful, because it’s the only 1D song I know and that’s what makes me beautiful.

There’ll be A Gallagher in there somewhere too, I’m sure.

The Pet Shop Boys will Go West/End Girls.

Paul McCartney will just Let It Be, whatever they may be.

Ray Davies of The Kinks will surely sing Waterloo Sunset (see above: literal song choices).

Elton John could close the show with Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, or play Your Song because that’s a song that belongs to everybody. Even Good Morning To The Night would be a fitting send off, and would warrant the appearance of some special antipodean guests. That would be a Pnice touch.

If Jessie J did Price Tag that would just be too much because, wellOBVIOU$ REA$ON$.

Take That have enjoyed recent comeback success in the UK and after watching this you’re also going to want them back for good (want them back, want them back, want them back for good). Or at least a spot on the roster.

Turn To The Left…

UPDATED: Here’s something else to look forward to. Rumour Has It (LOL Adele! That’s your happy song!) that The Brit Girls – Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Lily Cole, Lily Donaldson, Jourdan Dunn and Georgia May Jagger, perhaps even Karen Elson – will appear in a Best of The Brits FAHSHUN show, featuring designs from Olympic enthusiast Stella McCartney, Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen, Vivienne Westwood and Giles Deacon. I predict a sports luxe live-action recreation of George Michael’s Freedom video (see above) or at least a walk-off set to…

Hey, at least there’s a precedent for the combining of the two:

The Bits You’ll Want To Skip

It won’t all be fun and karaoke games (even they’re even possible at 6am) because there will be all kinds of snoozy traditional elements, like a march of 10,000 athletes (kidding, I love you athletes) and speeches from Queen Lizzy, London mayor Boris Johnson and IOC Prez Jacques Rogge. (Side note: Is there some IOC contractual clause that stipulates all its Presidents must be called Jacques?)

The men’s marathon medal ceremony will also take place, there’ll be plenty of highlights reels, a flag ceremony, Greek, British and Brazilian national anthems and then Rogge will extinguish the torch and declare the games over until…

When My Baby Smiles At Me I Go To…

Rogge will pass the proverbial torch to the 2016 host nation, Brazil, during the flag ceremony when all the above national anthems are played. But this is what should happen, amirite World?