Allow me to say this for you as slowly and clearly as possible: the biggest mystery consuming the internet at the moment is a portly, possibly sunburnt nude man humping a dead shark on a boat. 

Voila:

The photo has been doing the rounds slowly for about a week now, and now two high-profile lookalikes of this grinning, shark-mounting madman have had to come out and publicly stress that they are not the fish-humper in question.

Gone are the days when millionaires are forced into hiding because of photos of them hunting big game in Africa. That’s tired. The new hotness is killing sharks, stripping down to your birthday suit and humping the deceased ocean predator. 

University of Florida football coach Jim McElwain was forced to deny in a literal press conference that he is the man pictured astride the might shark with his penis pressed firmly against the scales of the slain beast. “Well, first and foremost, I don’t know who it is, but it isn’t me,” he said. “You know, in the world we live, what is a story? I just know this, it isn’t me.”

This is Jim McElwain. You be the judge:

The Internet Is Going Wild Trying To ID This Extremely Nude Shark Humper

The other prime suspect is Jimmy Johns sandwich chain owner Jimmy John Liautaud – who is a known hunter who has attracted controversy in the past for his big game hunting. Was the shark his next victim? Did he press his nude penis against it? These are all questions the internet has for Mr Liautaud.

The Internet Is Going Wild Trying To ID This Extremely Nude Shark Humper

The fine folk at Deadspin reached out to find out if this king of sandwiches is also the king of nudely mounting dead sea monsters. Despite the resemblance, his spokesperson denied it. Per Deadspin:

A spokesperson for Jimmy John’s told Deadspin that the man in the photo was absolutely not Liautaud, and had nothing to do with Jimmy John’s. The search continues.

For the record, an earlier statement from Mr Liataud denied that he went hunting for big African game anymore. “I choose to hunt and I choose to fish,” he said. “Everything I’ve done has been totally legal. And the meat has been eaten, if not by me than by someone I’m with. I don’t hunt big African game anymore.”

Folks. The plot thickens. We’ll keep you posted on this.

Source: News.com.au / Twitter.

Photo: Twitter.