Perhaps feeling pressured by his peers and by the pervasive notion that if you haven’t sorted your love life by 30, you’re basically fucked, Australia’s oldest captive wombat, Pat, has taken the plunge and signed up to Tinder.
Pat turned the big three-zero this week and his handlers, utterly dismayed at his lack of game, signed him up to the service hoping that some kind of marsupial nookie might present itself.
“The male wombat has to be very aggressive towards the female, and Patrick just isn’t a very aggressive wombat,” said Julia Leonard, owner of Ballarat Wildlife Park. “So he chooses to be single.” Until now:
While Pat’s living situation is the animal equivalent of ‘crashing at home with my parents ’til I get shit figured out’, and he tips the scales at a whopping 40kgs, there may still be some prospects out there for him.
Pat’s interests (we presume) include big butts and furries – if either or both of those things sound like you, he may yet invite you over for Netflix and chill.
Though he may be hampered in his ability to swipe right, thanks to his lack of opposable thumbs and also the fact that he’s a goddamn wombat, he has his handlers-cum-wingmen and women are taking care of that. So, no more:
