Whip our your 2022 bingo cards ‘cos former Prime Minister and Jack of all trades Scott Morrison has joined Worldwide Speakers Group (WWSG) as its latest lecturer and the bloke’s bio is, objectively, some of the funniest literature I’ve ever read.
For those of you who don’t know what WWSG is (which includes me until around 20 minutes ago), it’s basically a global lecture agency with a stack of speakers at the helm, and they can be booked to talk at events.
Some of WWSG’s self-professed “distinguished thought leaders” include photographer Annie Leibovitz and former Vice President of the United States Mike Pence, and now the agency can add Scotty to the list. Jesus wept.
Worldwide Speakers Group has just signed up a new “globalization mastermind” who “lends his boundless influence and experience to audiences around the world”. Is this the same person we turfed out of office here 🥸🤦🏽♂️? #ScoMo pic.twitter.com/BHNgmKCzoh
— Suresh Rajan (@SureshRajan6) October 16, 2022
Let’s cop a squiz at the man’s bio, shall we?
“Australia’s 30th Prime Minister, Scott Morrison is the true definition of a leader with a 360º worldview,” it read.
“During his tenure, Morrison was tasked with several difficulties that required unique and innovative solutions.
“From managing the public safety of Australians during the pandemic to mitigating an economic crisis, controlling natural disasters and leading the country while others were at war — Prime Minister Morrison led Australia with his particular brand of calm decisiveness and rationale.
“A globalisation mastermind, Morrison lends his boundless influence and experience to audiences around the world.”
Bit to unpack here, I reckon.
Look, I’m mildly offended the bio didn’t include Morrison’s true talents, which obviously include playing the ukulele, absolutely bodying small children playing soccer, washing people’s hair and welding.
And I’m no expert here, but something tells me a man who called then opposition leader Anthony Albanese a “loose unit” for supporting a 5.1 per cent wage increase is not “the true definition of a leader with a 360º worldview”. I also note Morrison was deemed “desperate” and “unhinged” for his comments about Albanese, which were a bit of a slay, if I’m being honest.
Oh, the former Morrison government also introduced the Religious Discrimination Bill, had a noted transphobe for its seat of Warringah and Scotty himself supported banning trans women from sport.
Moving on, we’ve got some “innovative solutions” the man cooked up, like “managing the public safety of Australians during the pandemic to mitigating an economic crisis, controlling natural disasters and leading the country while others were at war”.
Ah, yes, Mr I Don’t Pick Up A Hose, Mate truly was a beacon of inspiration and hope during the devastating 2019 and 2020 summer bushfires. He really put in the hard yards to help parts of Australia that were on fire for months when he jetted off to Hawaii and left everyone else to raise money for bushfire victims and people who had lost their homes.
I’m also gagging to see Morrison’s “particular brand of calm decisiveness and rationale”. Is this the same bloke who lost his shit at Albanese when pressed where he was during the aforementioned bushfires?
But out of everything in the bizarre bio, the goddamn funniest part has got to be when Morrison is called a “globalisation mastermind”. It absolutely sounds like something Dr Evil would’ve described himself as in one of the Austin Powers movies, or even Megamind when he’s telling everyone at the opening of the new Metro Man Museum that he’s kidnapped journalist and total babe Roxanne Ritchi.
Like; he surely had to have written the bio himself. I don’t know anyone else other than maybe Margaret Court who loves Scotty enough to write about his achievements in such a deeply cooked manner.
All I can say is I’m genuinely devastated that I’ll never come up with anything as funny as Scott “Global Mastermind” Morrison. And if you have a burning desire to book the bloke to speak at your nephew’s Bar Mitzvah or an upcoming 21st, you finally can — the poor bugger has been working super hard at his cushy Parliament gig, so he could really deserve a break!
