Tinder dates aren’t only about getting a free dinner and banking up terrible dating stories. They can be the ideal place for meeting your future soulmate – or even just someone to neck for an hour. If you’re heading on a Tinder match first date with hooking up on the brain, here are a few tips to help you find success on your journey.
DON’T BE REFRESHINGLY HONEST
Lipton Ice Tea Sparkling teamed up with A-grade qt Tully Smyth to show us what a Refreshingly Honest Tinder date would look like. Giving you the perfect instructional ‘What Not To Do If You Ever Want To Get A Second Date’ video:
Everyone experiences the slight anxiety born of wanting to live up to the hot profile pictures they have chosen. If the photos you’re currently rocking are from more than a year ago – thin ice. If your photos are all obscured, not of you or from the same overly flattering angle, you’re not being mysterious and cute, and the only people who are going to meet up with you are people who are wanting to see what you’re hiding under there, hope it’s bad and you’ll be desperate for a root.
CHOOSE WISELY
Sure, if you are a person with zero friends, work commitments, social life and have all the time in the world to go on dates with anyone who will have you, maybe your ‘throw all the darts with reckless abandon in the general direction of the dartboard’s postcode’ approach will serve you well. However, if you value quality over quantity, choose wisely. DON’T accept a first date from anyone who has taken a selfie in the mirror, has a picture with a big cat/snake/dolphin, is wearing a fedora or ugly/visibly servo bought sunnies and anyone who has only group shots meaning you can’t identify who they are.
via My Week On Tinder.
KEEP YOUR DESPERATION IN CHECK
Despite the fact that everyone knows Tinder was created with an end goal as the end goal, you don’t ever want to come across as too thirsty. Keep it chill even if all you want is to get wet genitals. Don’t start trying to lock in the after party/hotel lobby too early on in the evening and even if you do sense a mutual thirstiness, ease into it. No need to rush right in with the “I’m only in town for one night, I have a terminal illness and I’ve got a hotel booked.”
THIRD PARTY PROFILING
It can be helpful to check out who your mutual friends are, because if they’re friends with dodgy people on your friends list it’s going to make you rethink meeting up. Whereas if they’re friends with legends, they may very well be your future soulmate. Other avenues to explore can include (but are not limited to) Googling, Linkedin and asking said mutual friends about them in advance. Having said that, wouldn’t advise any of the latter, you want to keep some mystery. But yeah. L’il stalking on the Sabbath be fine. All things in moderation.
REMEMBER THAT HUMANS HAVE FIVE SENSES
Sight. As mentioned above, don’t punk people by turning up and looking nothing like your profile picture.
Hearing. Don’t choose a venue where you won’t be able to hear anything.
Taste. Don’t eat messy food. Anything slurpy/squirty/smelly is a no. Anything cylindrical i.e. phallic is also not a great choice.
Smell. Deodorise your situation to maintain your sexy. Direct quote from an unnamed person in the office “What I thought was the stanky stale smell of the bar we were frequenting turned out to be the person I had willingly gone on a Tinder date with. They smelt like beer mat.” If you’re not aromatically compatible with a person, both in the pheromone and natural O department, it is unlikely you will want to pants them.
Touch. Don’t be that overtly touchy creep. Keep in mind that even though this person agreed to meet up with you via a dating app does not negate the fact that you are a stranger. Getting too aggressively handsy will upgrade your threat level and you’re not getting it if you’re straddling DEFCON 1.
LEARN HOW TO SPOT THE DTF WALKING AMONGST US
Pay close attention to people’s bio; you don’t need to go full CSI on that shit, a lot of it is pretty self explanatory. For example, if you run into a couple looking to meet up, you know what’s going to happen should you all get together. Said couple are never going to be trawling Tinder because it’s someone’s birthday and it’s always been a fantasy of theirs to ride a tandem bicycle through the park in the sunshine but they’re only in a couple and oh, best go check Tinder for a third. They’re not looking to spice up their conversation by adding another brain into the mix and they are certainly not in need of an extra pair of hands just to slowly and sensually explore their rain gutter.
Otherwise, keep an eye out for people with their Snapchat link in their bio, because they are usually down to sext. Because, as we all know, tit pics are gateway jugs.
Anyone getting in contact outside of business hours is most likely a) boozed and b) cripplingly horny.
If someone has anything remotely along the lines of ‘Out to have some fun,’ or ‘only here for a good time, not a long time’ or if it contains a winky emoti that’s a good sign. Any bio featuring borderline NSFW pictures is a horse you can safely back.
If a person starts the chat with anything along the lines of ‘you here to play?’ or ‘let’s play a game’ or ‘do you want to have some fun?’ firstly, you can assume they’re not ordering starters and are heading straight to mains and secondly, avoid. Do not ever meet up with anyone who sounds like a horror movie tagline.
Meanwhile, if someone’s bio reads “I’m free, im single and ready for my clit to tingle! (:” you’re straight up good to go.
SCOUT AHEAD
Not unlike an elite sniper you must consider all variables before squeezing the trigger. Putting a little bit of work into getting a good position is worth it if you’re looking to take the perfect shot. First up, have some suggestions ready to go for location – places with flattering lighting et cetera. It’s not the worst idea to go to a movie or do something that doesn’t involved just sitting across from each other relying on your interpersonal skills the whole time. Also, have somewhere in mind for a change of venue if it’s going well, like a pool hall or somewhere equally casual that loosens you both up.
If possible plan dates on the same night, in the same vicinity, as a friend so you have an escape route and can rendezvous for hangs with a person you do enjoy the company of if your date is shit.
MAINTAIN YOUR PERSONAL BRAND
If you’ve had a friend write on your behalf or heavily advise you on your pre-date chat, you’re going to have a bad time. You’re not going to come across as someone worth falling in true love with/someone to enjoy a tumble in the sheets with if you’re expanding so much energy trying to weave a magical cloak of concealment over what you perceive to be your shitty personality/life. Instead funnel that energy into asking a lot of questions and let them and their shitty personality talk about their shitty life. They’ll love that. Plus, if you’re a boring person who knows, maybe they’ll like boring people and you’ll be a match made in heaven. You know, the rich tapestry of life, interweaving threads et ctera.
Also, having a ‘personality beverage’ is fine but avoid getting mad wasted beforehand. Unless who you are is a mad waster and that would be wholly representative of you as a human.
LIVE STRONG
You will find that pretty early on if you do or not want to do the do with the person you are on a date with. If it’s a no DO NOT feel obliged to agree to a second pity date. If you don’t follow your heart, you might spend the rest of your life wishing you had i.e. straight up reject that loser.
Right click > Save Image As > Send
> Move On 
Image via FoxADHD
