“Have you ever fucked anyone before? Where are they buried?”
This gif embodies the life of the unfortunate holder of the world record for “Longest Penis”, 52 year old Roberto Esquivel Cabrera.
While the original holder of the title was an American who measured to 34cm, Cabrera’s terrifying pants-monster really blew him out of the bedsheets: Carera’s dick is 48.2cm long.
To put this in perspective: the Daily Star pointed out that Cabrera’s penis is only two centimetres shorter than the shortest man ever documented.
So obviously, women are rather reluctant scared shitless to try sexytime with him, and Cabrera admitted that he’s never had a long-term girlfriend. And if you’re chortling something along the lines of ‘just the tip‘ etc., then you can shut your damn mouth right now, because the head of Cabrera’s old mate has a circumference of 25cm.
Oh, you wanna see him hang dong? Well, sorry to tell you that all we got is a very scary x-ray, o’ smutty reader.
But in all seriousness, the poor dude has never been able to have a proper relationship, or even hold down a job because of the uncomfortableness and logistical nightmare that comes with having a dick that comes past your knees (literally). Plus he can’t get any government assistance for his condition. That fucking sucks.
Cabrera’s story was noticed by media after claiming the record from the World Record Academy (sadly, it turns out the Guinness World Records don’t actually have a ‘dick size’ category). His story will now be told in a documentary called El Sordido Pudor, which means ‘Sordid Shyness’.
But our main question is: is 48.2cm hard or soft? Is he a grower or a shower? And when he gets an stiffy, does it look like one of those 1920s slapstick routines with the ladder?
OKAY WE’RE DONE NOW SORRY BYE.
via News Limited
