Thousands and thousands of years ago, when our ancestors somewhere on the shores of the Black Sea were speaking the rudiments of what would soon become Proto-Indo-European language and, much later, English as we now recognise it, there was no way anyone could have anticipated these words being put in this order: Donald Trump allegedly has a penis shaped like Toad from Mario Kart.
[jwplayer QW9A6EZk]
Obviously, there’s a lot going on here. Who knows if Stormy Daniels actually had sex with Trump or not. If she did, it’s generally not great to use intimate knowledge of someone’s body to shame them. Does a person like Trump deserve that sort of courtesy? Obviously, there’s much to consider and we will refrain from making moral judgments either way here but at least allow yourself to revel in the fact that the comparison of Trump’s wang to a character from Mario Kart will dominate the news cycle for at least a good 24 hours.
This particular concept with which we are wrangling comes to us courtesy of Stormy Daniels’ book Full Disclosure, which The Guardian managed to get an early copy of. In it, Daniels describes her alleged sexual encounter with Trump in greater detail than she has so far, particularly terrifying in this one passage:
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…
“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…
“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
Trump’s legal team recently agreed to drop a hush agreement with Stormy Daniels that saw her paid roughly $180,000 just before the 2016 election to keep silent regarding an alleged affair that Trump had with Daniels.
I wish you nothing but the best of luck in not picturing any of this.
