Lyle Shelton, clearly having a normal one, reckons Sea Life Aquarium in Sydney “manipulated” its iconic same-sex penguin couple, Sphen and Magic, into being gay.
I know it doesn’t reflect well on me, a professional writer, to be lost for words, but I simply have nothing left in the tank. This one has floored me. Stick a fork in me because I’m done.
In case your Sphen and Magic lore isn’t up to scratch, the divine couple went viral in 2018 after they developed a precious bond and became inseparable before breeding season. Joined at the feathered hip, one might say.
Once breeding season hit, they started collecting pebbles to build a nest for a wee babe. The aquarium didn’t want Magic and Sphen to feel left out ‘cos they were two guys being dudes, thus couldn’t lay their own eggs, so the couple were given a dummy egg to nurture and incubate.
They ended up being such extraordinary dads that the aquarium gave them a real egg from a couple who had two, and they successfully hatched baby Sphengic.
Five years later, Sphen and Magic are still as strong and wholesome as ever. But Lyle Shelton and the Family First Party seem to believe the dads are pushing their gay agenda on children, because that is clearly what penguins do.
In a deeply odd statement released on June 26, the Family First Party said the “penguins had been manipulated from the very start”.
“You see, penguins, particularly gentoos, as these two are, are astounding creatures who in 90 per cent of cases, will bond for life with their breeding mate,” the statement read.
“So, when these two were given eggs to incubate together, this would have encouraged them to stay together for future breeding cycles and effectively stopped them from seeking out female partners.”
Listen here, bucko: Sphen literally gifted Magic a heart-shaped stone back in 2018, which is apparently the penguin equivalent of a marriage proposal. Are you really trying to convince me they’ve been forced into each other’s flippers?
The Family First Party also got its knickers in an absurd twist after the New South Wales Teachers Federation announced Sphen and Magic’s love story would be incorporated into the state’s school syllabus, so kids could learn about rainbow families.
“So essentially what should be a story about the damage caused by human interference in the animal kingdom is instead being served up to our youngest, most impressionable children as education on thriving gay relationships and diverse parenting arrangements,” the statement read.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god. Shut the fuck up!!! If you’re so pressed about penguins (PENGUINS!) not subscribing to the tenets of heterosexuality and want to deny kids the opportunity to learn about same-sex and gender-diverse families, you can die bigoted and mad.
Just last year, a private school in Brisbane wanted parents to sign a contract which compared same-sex relationships to paedophilia and beastiality and called them “sinful and offensive”. Last month, parents fought back at an Anglican school in NSW ‘cos it wanted an incoming principal and board members to sign a document stating they oppose same-sex marriage.
The blatant homophobia running rampant within the Australian school system is nothing short of disgusting, and LGBTQIA+ kids are under attack. The fact anyone, even Lyle Shelton and the Family First Party, thinks gay penguins are the *real* danger is fucking terrifying.
Also: there is literally a Parks and Recreation episode about gay penguins who get married. You simply cannot make this up, people.
I will die for Sphen, Magic and their babies, and I won’t tolerate any homophobic slander directed their way!!!
