I don’t mean to alarm you, but Lindsay Lohan is officially single and I firmly believe she should be the next Australian Bachelorette.
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The 33-year-old Mean Girls star announced her breakup on Kyle & Jackie O’s breakfast radio show on Friday morning.
“I actually was seeing someone and we broke up today,” she told her The Masked Singer cohost. “You wouldn’t even know who he was. But I had a bit of a day.”
We don’t know exactly who she just broke up with. She’s previously hinted that she was dating the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammad bin Salman, who is an IRL billionaire, so who fucking knows anymore. But regardless, it’s over and our queen is single and ready to mingle.
Linds has quite the epic dating resume, that In Touch magazine published back in 2013 in the form of a leaked scattergories “fuck list”. Lindsay’s impressive list allegedly includes Ashton Kutcher, Evan Peters, Zac Efron, James Franco, Justin Timberlake and Aaron Carter among countless other celebs. Heck, she’s even claimed to have done le fucc with Colin Farrell.
More recently, she tried to shoot her shot with the Hemsworth brothers in the comments section of an E! News Instagram post. So clearly, she’s in the market for an Aussie hunk.
And perhaps even more fittingly, Lohan has scored herself a hosting gig on Channel 10’s The Masked Singer, so she’s already in the good books with the TV executives.
So, Channel 10, this is my formal request to make Lindsay Lohan the Bachelorette. We don’t need the Gogglebox girl and her weird spy brother, we want a Lohan season. Give the people what they want.
But I know I can’t just request such a thing and expect it to happen. So I’ve compiled a list of why I think Lindsay Lohan would make for the best damn Bachelorette we’ve ever seen. Obviously, there are unlimited reasons why LiLo would make a great Bachelorette, but I’ve tried to narrow it down for you.
1. She’s already in Australia
Linds is already in Australia for The Masked Singer (a Network 10 production), so why not double up on the reality TV gigs and get her on The Bachelor as well? Georgia Love was a Network 10 employee (WIN News), so it’s not exactly a revolutionary idea.
2. She’s a woman who knows what she wants
Abbie was a woman who knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to express her sexuality, and it made for some SPICY television. And Lindsay is no different. She’s already disclosed her fuck list, so the boys would know what she’s looking for (rich, famous and hot, basically).
3. Australians lose their shit over the celebrity factor
We had Sophie Monk, we had Honey Badger, so why not up the ante a little bit with an international celebrity? We all grew up watching Lindsay Lohan. We’ve seen her rise, and her fall, and her reality TV rise, so you know we’d be glued to our TVs if she was the Bachelorette.
4. I just want to see a bunch of grown men grovel at Lindsay Lohan’s feet and treat her like the kween she is.
I’ve loved Lindsay Lohan for as long as I can remember. For context, I had the Lindsay Lohan My Scene doll back in 2005 and treasured it like it was the Rosetta Stone. She’s had her moments, which is expected for anyone who was thrown into the limelight as a child. But honestly, Lindsay Lohan is an ICON, and I will love her and want the best for her until the day I die. I think we’d all thoroughly enjoy watching her find the love of her life, then yeeting him into the bin to fuck a Hemsworth brother.
5. She has a type, and it’s hot, Hemsworth-looking Australian men.
The late, great Heath Ledger was on her 2013 list, and she’s more recently tried her luck with the Hemsworth brothers, so it’s pretty clear that the Aussie accent does something for her. So why not chuck a bunch of Hemsworth-looking dudes in a mansion and have Lindsay take her pick? After all the shit she’s been through in her life, she deserves to have a selection of men served to her on a silver platter.
6. The rose ceremonies would be EVERYTHING.
You know what I’m talking about.
Your move, Network 10. You know what to do.
