When I looked to the lord in the colder months and asked him to please give us a little bit of warmth for the upcoming hot girl summer, I did not think that she would put the Earth into a sandwich press and get the devil himself to sit on top of it. Alas, here we are, expecting a doozy of a heatwave to hit, and not in the fun Wiley/Glass Animals kinda way.

Yes, friends, I know we’ve just adjusted ourselves to the wet, wet lips of our favourite cruel mistress La Niña, but it looks like her scorned ex-lover is following right behind her, and boy are they pissed.

Basically, despite being practically waterboarded by the sky for the last week and a bit, we can now expect a heatwave to roll across Australia, affecting large parts of the country, especially in the eastern and northern coast.

According to Sky News Weather Meteorologist Alison Osborne, once La Niña stops having a pissing party over our parade, the clouds will clear up and the summer sun will have a clear road to gently fucking us over.

“A hot air mass will dominate over much of the country for the next week,” she said during a forecast.

“It stretches over most areas with the exception of the far south-west of Western Australia and the far south-east.

“Temperatures are climbing and it’s going to get hot”.

And our good friends at BoM have echoed this sentiment, also confirming that we are indeed going to be in for a scorcher and a half.

According to BoM, the massive heatwave is going to spread across Queensland, northern NSW and South Australia, and will be at a level of severity just under ‘extreme’, which is simply gorgeous. Might just cook my dinner on the driveway, save the time it takes for the oven to heat up.

The very centre of Australia (y’know, the desert region) is expected to scrape 50C, which is damn-near unliveable, while the capital cities are all forecast to hit much less scary highs.

WA’s north is expected to hit 45C, with some suburbs in NSW like Broken Hill expected to hit 40C. Meanwhile, Adelaide and Victoria are predicted to reach 35C over the weekend, and Canberra, Brisbane and southern NSW are forecast to reach around 30C at worst.

However, many areas are expected to feel a rather muggy kind of heat, as there’s still hella moisture in the air from La Niña’s last soggy venture over the east coast.

Brace for impact, besties, shit’s gonna get toasty.