Former Labor leaders, I had previously thought, each to their own in their post political-coital pursuits: whether its retiring the use of #quiche and zipping for good, or providing tell-all interviews to legions of adoring fans and selling your house to some poor soul who thinks its extra valuable, or taking on Kerry O’Brien: each to their own, congratulations on escaping the auspol whirlpool, adios.
But then Mark Latham happened. From allegedly attacking a news limited journalist, reportedly calling him a “pedophile” and not showing up to his hearing in 2006; to adding to Tony Abbott’s off-colour comment of Fiona Scott’s “sex appeal” this year, by saying, “I don’t think she’s got sex appeal at all. [… Abbott] must have had the beer goggles on because she’s not that good of a sort…”. But those gaffes aside, either the Sydney Morning Herald was having a terribly slow news weekend or somebody genuinely thought a former Labor leader’s views on Chanel 10’s The Bachelor were searingly relevant to our weary Sunday morning eyes, because Mark Latham was granted the space to wax lyrical about, yes, The Bachelor, titled, “Bachelor’s Party Is What This Country Needs“.
Aside from the fact that there’s only a few things this country needs apart from a bachelor party—maybe say, addressing issues on climate change, asylum seekers, education—the op ed granted to Mark Latham was brimming with genuine WTF moments. To name a few, so you can avoid reading the article yourself:
On fessing up: “Now for a dump-truck confession: I can’t get enough of The Bachelor Australia….I’m bracing myself for having to visit a Dickensian church hall one day, announcing myself to a circle of similarly troubled souls: “My name’s Mark and I’m a Bachelor addict.”
Genuinely using the phrase “chickie-babes”: “To young men reading this, if any of the show’s chickie-babes come your way in nightclubs or darkened bars, be careful to avoid future issues with the RSPCA. Lock up your bunnies.”
Being offensive: “For women otherwise intimidated by the drop-dead glamour of the bachelorettes, the program offers new hope. Whatever they have in looks – and the two remaining contestants, Anna and Rochelle, have plenty – they lose in emotional retardation.”
And ending with this, I just can’t: “So cheer up, ladies. Even if you’re a two-bagger, or worse, the host of the Ernie Awards, you’re not without hope in the meat market of life.“
If anybody needs me, I’ll be busy regurgitating my breakfast.
Title image by Torsten Blackwood via Getty.