As far as the internet goes, selling or buying something on Gumtree is about as uniquely Australian an experience as you can get. Where else can you list a good condition iPhone 7 for sale at $400 and have a 37 deranged lunatics message you within the space of 12 seconds all offering you $8.40 and a rear projection TV as trade? Occasionally, however, something pops up on Gumtree that defies even the most basement-level expectations for the kind of insane crap people not only own, but are willing to part ways with.

Enter: This “exotic” horny coffee table.

In between searching for couches and outdoor furniture for the new house I’m about to move into, I somehow stumbled upon this frankly insane piece, described by the listing’s header as “Coffee table for sale.”

Brace yourselves for this. It’s a lot to take in.

Somebody Buy This Deeply Horny Coffee Table Before I Get Drunk Tonight And Do It

Further still, the item description lists this clearly normal piece as “a very exotic coffee table” made from “very solid wood” that was originally purchased in “Figi.”

With an asking price of $2,200 it’ll take a hefty effort for someone to procure this, but consider the following points:

  • Today is Friday
  • That’s the good day
  • People, like me, will probably drink quite a bit this evening
  • People, like me, might drunkenly stumble onto Gumtree later with their credit card in hand
  • People, like me, might actually buy this later tonight
  • Oh god someone please stop me from buying this tonight

If you’re in the Little Bay, NSW area – or are, like me, a dumb idiot that might actually think traversing half the country for a very expensive gag is a ripsnorter of an idea after several pints – and you feel like heroically saving me from myself, the full Gumtree listing for this extremely one-of-a-kind item can be found here.

Do you… do you put coasters over her titties or what? Would it be weird to put a bowl of dip over the front bum? What’s… what’s going on here, with all of that.

Hard to say. Really hard to say.

Image: Gumtree