Reality TV is probably the #1 place to find shit that is pretty much a Black Mirror plotline come to life. While we’re used to the low-level manipulative fuckery of shows like MAFS and Bachelor, there’s been some real doozy’s out there over the years.
Some still exist. Others, canned after just one or two eps due to their controversial nature or the fact they’re, well, piss-boring.
I’ve rounded up a bunch of the truly fucked up ones for you. To limit myself, I stuck only to reality TV shows that were of a competitive nature. This upset me because it meant I had to exclude ‘Vanilla Ice Goes Amish‘, but hey, I would have been writing all night if I went broad, right?
Here they are, in a rough order from tame-yet-bizarre down to absolutely-cooked-and-probably-illegal.
LADETTE TO LADY
Guys what even was this show. A group of women deemed to be “ladettes” – i.e, not “ladies” – were basically sent through etiquette school. I have vague, distant memories of the Aussie seasons and all I remember was a lot of screaming and swearing and fidgeting in uncomfortable clothing.
AUSTRALIAN PRINCESS
GUYS REMEMBER THIS SHOW AND KYLIE BOOBY WON AND THEN DID THIS AMAZING AD. That’s all.
FLAVOR OF LOVE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBYzDxzum3k
I fucking frothed this show for a strong year, and all I can say is thank you Flavor Of Love for introducing me to New York, the greatest reality show contestant ever.
Anyway, Flavor Of Love was weird because it was a dating show, Bachelor style, but to win the heart of… Flavor Flav, one of the Public Enemy dudes. He wears a giant clock around his neck constantly. It’s all fucking bizarre as shit. There was a follow-up series called ‘Rock Of Love’ that had Bret Michaels from Poison as the love interest, but there were less giant neck clocks so I refuse to cover that one.
I WANNA MARRY “HARRY”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gY2IR9I0jIk
How’s this for batshit – 12 women compete, thinking they’re fighting for the love of Prince Harry. Legit, actual, Prince Harry. Of course the man they’re fighting over isn’t fucking PRINCE HARRY, it’s Matthew Hicks, a lookalike. You can’t make this shit up I swear it.
GLADIATORS
I KNOW, IT’S A GAME SHOW. Can we just acknowledge that a) this was the greatest game show of all time and b) there’s something insane about making contestants complete obstacle courses while some scary machines of humans chase after them? What about when the gladiators would literally rip contestants off the pyramid or the rope wall? Fucking terrifying.
NAKED AND AFRAID
Naked and Afraid puts two survivalists – one man, one woman – in the middle of some wilderness, where they have to, well, survive. Oh and they’re naked. And aren’t given any food, water, or shelter. Their goal? Navigate via the use of a map to an extraction point within 21 days.
Mate you could not pay me enough money to be plonked in with snakes and scary bugs while my hoo-ha’s showing, let me fucking tell you.
LABOR GAMES
Ok Ok this is a game show too, not really a reality show, but it’s so wild I had to include it. Women – who are in labour, as in they are birthing a human being – are surprised by a woman who then asks them trivia questions! Yes because the number one thing I would like to be doing while in excruciating pain is tell you what the capital of Finland is.
SPACE CADETS
This UK show followed a group of people training to become Britain’s first televised space tourists. They thought they would be going on a 5 day low Earth orbit space mission. Except… the entire show, from start to finish, was an elaborate hoax. How elaborate? The contestants thought they went to Russia for training, but they never left Britain. And they thought they were in space, but they in fact were not.
It apparently cost the production company 5 million pounds to make it happen. The ending? The contestants went to do a LITERAL SPACEWALK because yeah, they thought they were in space, when it was revealed to them that they were actually inside a simulator. Good fucking lord.
PLAYING IT STRAIGHT
Heyyyyy here’s a problematic throwback! Six gay men and six straight men are put on a romantic ranch with one woman. Each week, the woman has to vote out a guy she *thinks* is gay, and eventually choose one man to love forever. Except if she chooses a gay man, the man scores the entire prize packet. If she chooses a straight man, they split the $$$.
You do not need me to tell you how fucked this premise was, do you?
WHO’S YOUR DADDY
I absolutely must never meet whoever came up with this rank concept – an adult, who was put up for adoption as a baby and has never met her biological father, is presented with 25 men in a room. One is her biological dad. If she picked the right guy, she won $100,000. If she picked incorrectly, the man she selected would win the money.
ARE YOU HOT?
2003 was a bad time for reality shows, if you like yours to be, you know, not inhumane and revolting. Are You Hot? saw contestants stand in front of a panel of judges and be critiqued simply on their physical attractiveness. Like, with laser pointers and everything. Absolute hell, right? It was also done in front of a crowd who would “boo” contestants they didn’t think were babes. Foul.
SHATTERED
Here’s a healthy competition – have 10 contestants try not to sleep for a week! That’ll be great for everyones mental and overall health! They weren’t allowed to close their eyes for more than 10 seconds, and for every contestant that did, 1,000 pounds was deducted from the 100,000 pound cash prize.
Over time contestants suffered from the effects of sleep deprivation – think hallucinations and other concerning behaviour in that vibe.
THE SWAN
This show was wild. Basically, they would select a woman who would be given an “extreme makeover” – think cosmetic and plastic surgery, dental work, wardrobe makeovers… the lot. Also, the entire time they’re not allowed to look in the mirror – only once their transformation is complete are they allowed to see the end result.
It was honestly insane to put someone through this. Plus at the end some of the women absolutely had bucketloads of mental health issues stemming from such a dramatic physical change to their appearance.
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MIRIAM
Back in 2003, someone thought it was a great idea to have six men fight for the heart of a… pre-op trans woman. Which would be fine, if they knew she was a pre-op trans woman and went into the competition knowing as such. Except they’re not told until the final episode. Clearly the producers were hoping for major on-air humiliation which is fucked x 1000000.
SUSUNU! DENPA SHōNEN
This completely sadistic Japanese reality TV show is best known for one specific season, when comedian Nasubi was put in an empty apartment and forced to live naked for a year with absolutely nothing except for whatever he could win via magazine competitions. His goal? To win $1M Yen in prizes.
Here’s how fucked it was. First, the entire thing was live-streamed but Nasubi thought it was being filmed then edited, so all of Japan saw his mental decline as he spent days/weeks/months (he was in there for 336 days all up) alone trawling magazines. Second, he was literally given nothing, and had to win everything to survive – even food. At one point, he survived solely on some dog food he won. No, really. It was hugely controversial and absolutely cooked as hell.
