Shoeys are gross. There’s no two ways about this. They’re worn out and boring and very grotty and if they went away forever no one would be terribly upset about it.
But with that said, like all overplayed artforms, there’s still a bare, flickering light of beauty to be found in innovation.
Yesterday you no doubt would’ve read about the ingenious couple who, in lieu of dropping a mint on expensive caterers producing middling food, decided instead to whisk their entire wedding party away to a nearby Bunnings Warehouse for a soul-enlivening round of post-vow sausages.
That happy newlywed couple, Jordan and Chantelle Wilson, posted the photos to social media and subsequently did the kind of numbers your average mid-level comedian open fantasises about in the throes of disgusting self-love.
As overnight internet sensations are wont to do nowadays, the Wilsons were enlisted by breakfast TV this morning to do the rounds, firstly appearing on Sunrise outside the humble Belrose site of their meaty celebration.
WATCH | Sydney couple Jordan & Chantal Wilson love Bunning’s snags so much that they had their wedding reception at the hardware store! pic.twitter.com/KuiIt5yRM1
— Sunrise (@sunriseon7) August 28, 2017
But the real main event came a few hours later when the pair stopped by the Today Show studios to talk about their big day, which included Jordan and his groomsmen slugging a Tooheys New out of their dress shoes before proceedings began; a feat which Jordan then replicated, on air, at the Today desk, in front of a national audience.
Jordan and Chantelle Wilson, got married over the weekend but their wedding day wouldn’t have been complete without a Bunnings snag. #9Today pic.twitter.com/FNRKpA83by
— The Today Show (@TheTodayShow) August 29, 2017
Credit where credit’s due here: That’s red Gatorade being fanged out of a dress shoe, while wearing an incredibly crisp white shirt, without spilling so much as a single drop. The sheer fear of that combination alone would’ve probably seen any lesser man wind up looking like they’d done very well indeed.
Best of luck to the happy couple. Here’s to many more snags in the future.
Though it might be time to put the shoeys on the shelf. Not because they’re gross or anything (they are), but because you’re never gonna do one better than that. Better to go out on top, y’know?