Bloodthirsty Magpies Are Clawing The Eyes Of Victorians In Record Numbers

A vile plague has besieged Melbourne this spring, swooping in from the heavens despite it being borne in hell. Though the season is usually one of new life, there is only death as the magpie season has turned unusually violent, shedding human blood in record numbers with the winged beasts taking no prisoners as they chase their most precious target of all: the eyes.

Hyperbolic and needlessly flowery? Sure. But the truth is this spring has been a particularly nasty one for people caught in the path of the swooping beasties.

Magpie related attacks have been the root cause of a sharp increase in the number of eye injuries suffered by people, with one attack so severe the poor victim had to undergo surgery to repair the damage done after a bird clawed at their eyes.

The amount of injuries recorded is so great, in fact, that the Royal Victorian Eye and Ear Hospital has had to issue a warning for people crossing paths with the crabby flying jerks.

Emergency Director of the Eye & Ear Hospital Dr. Carmel Crock spoke to ABC Radio on Thursday to detail the unusually high number of bird-related injuries seen this year, noting the amount is well up on previous years.

Normally, we might see one or two a month. But in July we saw 14 cases of bird eye injuries. August there were 12.

In the last week, we saw five in the one day, including a penetrating eye injury that needed to go to theatre.

Although a lot of the injuries are quite minor … they can really go all the way through and cause a penetrating injury, with bleeding and bruising at the back of the eye.

“A penetrating eye injury that needed to go to theatre” my absolute GOD.

The injuries and swoopings have been reported in areas of the city like Lonsdale Street, Punt Road, Lygon Street, and Heffernan Lane in the CBD. Which means they’re not just confined to tree-lined streets and parklands anymore, the magpie invasion is moving in on city areas *shudders*.

While some may tell you there’s a logical reason for all of this, deep down we all know the chaotic truth. It’s self evident.

We guess the only thing any of us can do now is prepare as best we can, and hope for the best.

It’s a jungle out there, folks.