While the world stands on the precipice of nuclear war, the Adelaide council area of Tea Tree Gully is already under attack. Its enemies aren’t despotic nations hopped up on atomic warheads, or even the rogue 13-year-olds who seem to permanently congregate in the Tea Tree Plaza food court, oh no. This enemy is much more sinister, and literally inhuman.
Goddamn it all, Tea Tree Gully is being terrorised by a “vicious” magpie. And the council has officially warned its citizens to be on the lookout.
Nestled near Facebook posts reminding residents of upcoming garage sales and a community dog walks, the City of Tea Tree Gully yesterday alerted residents to the avian dickhead in the leafy surrounds of Surrey Downs.
It’s worth pointing out the battle may already be lost.
Tea Tree Gully’s tips for surviving encounters with the black-and-white bastards basically encourage humans to surrender entirely to their feathered overlords. Among the nuggets of advice: wear a helmet when entering zones where magpies are known to swoop, carry a stick above your head at the same time, and consider offering food to them at home. The logic there is that by appeasing them, they might choose not to divebomb at your eyeballs.
Worryingly, that last piece of advice was recently backed up by experts in the field. Speaking to the ABC, Gisela Kaplan of the University of New England said magpies will only swoop when they don’t recognise someone, they can form warm bonds with humans, and that they can recall individual faces for years.
Righto then. As magpies are most likely to swoop during the breeding season – ie. right now, continuing until late October – it may be a touch late for the fine people of Tea Tree Gully to make a super warm impression on this particularly aggro bird. Still, it may actually be worth surrendering. So, God knows if this one will gain reinforcements next year.
