Okay you guys, I’m (Mel) flying solo today since my co-recapper & boss Josie is off sick today. Did I give her my Plague from last week? Time will tell. Nonetheless, here I am recapping The Bachelor Australia for you guys, like it or lump it.
[jwplayer TbIvUgrd]
So we start out in that lounge room thing they lock all the women in when they’re not out burning their nips off with fire pokers or whatever the fuck that Elly date was yesterday. Can they leave that room? Do they get toilet breaks? Why are there so many flower arrangements in there, what if you had hayfever? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Also, what in fresh hell is going on with Abbie‘s hair here:
Then Osher materialises out of the wall cavity he lives in three months of the year:
To tell everyone that there’s a group date going down, complete with the ominous addition of “if you want to put EVERYTHING on the LINE, you WANT to be on this date” before crawling back into the wall to eat his canned bean dinner.
We said it yesterday and I’ll say it again – why do we need this high stakes date week? I have never in my life been on a date that made me want to wet myself, I simply don’t think it’s necessary to scare the bejeezus out of your soul in order to find love. Don’t do it! Just get a nice beer and a schnitty at the pub!
Mary, Helena, Abbie, Elly and Emma cop the date, which leaves Nichole and Mary fuming and looking like poo has formed under their left nostrils.
TBH fair enough???? I fucking hate this bit in these shows where the dude clearly likes 1-3 women, but there’s about ten he has barely even glanced at. At least TRY, Matt, for fuck’s sake. Anyway, whatever – the gals get in their activewear and rock up to this – my worst nightmare in the history of nightmares.
I do not like gymnastics, and I do not like being suspended from a great height over a “safe”, “squishy” mat that’s not at all safe or squishy enough to prevent a broken-in-3-places leg situation. I’m also not co-ordinated in any sense of the word and really don’t need some guy I’m trying to impress watch me nail the splits by ending up in an acute angle leg pose with a rip in my tights, you feel?
Everyone’s all “ooooooo exciting!!!!” and “omgggggggg can’t wait!!!” which is fucking HORSEshit, except for Mary thank god who is all:
She delivers a truly iconic line: “There has to be an easier way to find LOOOOOVE!!!”
Hard agree, Mary. It’s called go on the dating apps and meet 40 fuckboys, cry a lot, text people when you’re drunk and regret it, then give up entirely and become weirdly in tune with your dog’s thoughts and feelings bc all you do is teach her obedience tricks. Lol what loser is doing that *cough*.
Emma starts creaming her tights over Matt, saying she “can’t take her eyes off him” and his guns. Frankly I think he looks like a boiled sausage inside an aubergine casing in that tank, but you know – something for everyone. What would I know, I’m over here on Single Island making a special dessert for my dog.
Osh tries to tie this thing together by wrapping what is a shit sandwich in some tinfoil and calling it gold. You know, “this is all about trust and communication, key ingredients in a relationship” blah blah please one of you split your pants like Rebel Wilson in Pitch Perfect 2.
Then they bring out the teachers and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT IS THAT
I can’t stop looking. I am overwhelmed. It’s like whatever that furry butt fluff was on Jules‘ face circa the Sophie Monk season x 1000000000. In fact this man looks a bit like Jules, Jules is that you? Because a) enough and b) sticking a comedy mo on your face is not going to make us all forget you crushed Alisha’s heart on Bachie In Paradise. I WILL NEVER FORGET.
No one is recovering from Fake Jules With The Mo.
But we soldier on, because as sure as the sun will rise in the West and set in the East or whatever the fuck it likes to do, Matt is going to pick someone in this gang of misfits and you bet your sweet bippy their self-control and ability not to scream ARE WE GOING TO DISCUSS THE FACT JULES HAS SNUCK THROUGH SECURITY AND IS WEARING A FAKE MO AS A CIRCUS TRAINER RIGHT NOW is what will get them the prize of Matt’s heart (and penis).
The first challenge is a balance board which is just a rusty tin can that has a bit of construction rubbish on top of it.
Matt gets to choose a woman to partner with, and picks Elly because of course he fucking does. Everyone’s stoked, obviously.
Elly clearly did her preparatory barre classes before coming into the mansion because she crushes the balance tin can and also crushes Matt’s heart with LOVE.
Everyone’s off it, there’s a lot of ughhhhhh Elly’s won shit but NOT from Abbie, who insists she has more chemistry with Matt and volunteers for the next circus mess Fake Jules is about to deliver – a sex position.
IDK why Emma’s all ‘I had to avert my eyes’, Abbie is pretty normal in her behaviour and it’s FAR less insanely sexual than the shit they got the Love Island gang to do that one time they did “yoga”.
Anyway more partner poses, Matt tries to turn Abbie saying “Matt Matt Matt” when she almost faceplants into some sort of sign they communicate well and could totally get married and deal with screaming triplets, or whatever. Then Elly gets another turn and apparently Matt/Elly look like the perfect circus carnie couple, which is a good thing????? What???? Sorry the winner doesn’t gallivant off to the roving circus with this guy to perform tricks of mastery and wonder, you guys. You don’t need to balance your vagina on his legs to win this show.
Abbie is off Elly entirely and flat out looks like she’s hoping for a mild-yet-hospital-worthy incident to go down that’ll see Elly choofed off forever.
At one point Emma literally says “I’d rather be at the pub” which is a BIG MOOD and clearly she’s the only sensible person in this carnie hellhole.
But alas, the stunt fails have to finish at some point and Matt must choose which woman he wants to do a silk aerial doo-hickey with. Sounds horrible and like a neck brace will be the prize. He chooses Abbie.
Meanwhile back in that lounge room/panic room, everyone is drinking endless cups of tea and staring into the void.
You physically cannot consume this much tea. Who has this much tea???? How many can you have a day before your heart gives out?
The tea-consumers muse about who will get the single time out of the group date, when BAM! All the losers roll in and rub their sweaty bodies on these clean folk. Everyone’s like “why did Abbie get the date” and Mary, who I did love but is a BIT of a fucking moll, is all “welllllll her boobs were hanging out”. Bitch she was UPSIDE DOWN? I’m amazed she didn’t lose a tit to gravity, that’s what would have happened to me.
Fake Jules meanwhile is teaching Abbie and Matt how to spin so fast on the hanging silks that they disappear into the Alternative Dimension and his ultimate plan to then take over as The Bachelor is complete.
I know everyone thinks Abbie is a demon (including me, not even 2 weeks ago) but I’m coming around to her and I’m definitely coming around to her as Matt’s best match in this mansion. She keeps (or the editors do) playing up their sexual chemistry so it seems all they have is this insatiable need to fuck each other, but it’s more than that? Their prep for this silk fiasco was extremely cute and full of very natural jokey fun interactions. They work, there I said it.
TL;DR – they practice and then it’s magically night time (did they practice for six hours? Why is it always SUDDENLY 9pm?) and they’ve changed into idiotic suspender/formal wear when tights and tees would have sufficed.
Their performance loses five points because Matt forgets the technical mastery of it and just starts pashing Abbie mid-spin.
Then they choof off to their champers and Aldi cheese platter, which is all happening on… a spaceship???
Abbie is all “omg I can’t get over how beautiful this is” which is a stretch.
She decides to open up a bit about her feelings, telling Matt she feels chemistry and a connection on a deeper level. His response is….. silence. And a really fucking awkward smile.
They kiss more, she gets a rose, borza.
We return from ad break to Where’s Wally perched SUPER naturally at an overly elaborate cafe table.
Chelsy arrives, and Matt tells her they’re going to SCALE A GODDAMN BUILDING because that’s super fucking normal shit you do on second dates. I’m always organising second dates with dudes and being like “hey, I brought you to this abandoned warehouse because we’re going to PARKOUR OFF THE ROOF, FUCKER! And then I scream like a banshee and start clawing my way down the walls. It’s sexy and alluring, try it.
Meanwhile at the Ranch, production let the girls leave the panic room but did NOT allow the tea consumption to waver in any way.
Abbie’s telling the gang about how she feels strong feelings for Matt, and when she says she told him she could see herself falling in love with him, everyone was like:
And:
Which makes NO sense to me – by now I’d hope you could see yourself falling for Matt since that’s the entire bloody point of being stuck in that stupid faux-country house, sleeping in a hard bunk bed and being bitchily snarked constantly.
Anyway! Back to Where’s Wally and Chelsy. They’re about to slide down the side of this hotel, which Matt says is a good challenge for their relationship because you don’t know if you’re good for each other until you’re CHALLENGED! WITH DEATH!!!!!!! Not really but that’s essentially what he’s doing here. Why? No one knows.
The ropes guy, who seems alarmingly serious about this whole thing and yet not entirely trustworthy for some reason, stresses they MUST stay SHOULDER TO SHOULDER or “IT WON’T WORK”. What won’t work!?!?!?! The FUCKING HARNESSES? What won’t WORK, YOU IRRITATINGLY VAGUE MAN.
Matt even says to-camera “there’s something so unnatural about walking off a building”, and NO SHIT DUDE, THIS WAS YOUR IDEA.
Chelsy fucks it at first and flops over to the side, then stacks it. Then she just gives up and SAME.
It’s pretty boring and not hot at all, I feel bad for Chelsy. She’s better than scaling a building.
Then they go sit down to some Branded Magnum tubs and at least Chelsy gets to wear something cute.
Chelsy opens up about how it’s hard for her to open up to relationships because her ex cheated on her and then told her it was her fault, so that’s COOL. Thanks exes for fucking us up forever! It’s quite a raw moment, but I just don’t see…. chemistry with these guys? Do you? Idk, they seem like pals not partners for life or whatever.
She gets a rose, blah blah.
Then it’s rose ceremony time. Everyone is dressed VERY BRIGHTLY and it’s a lot for my sore, tired eyes but also props to the wardrobe department because no one looks like they’re wrapped in discount Spotlight material. Sogand is panicking over not having enough time with Matt, so she whizzes off and pops on some bellydancing gear. This is the first we’ve heard Sogand is a professional bellydancer, because she…. isn’t.
It is almost as painful to watch as when Ivan breakup-danced his way to a healed heart after Tenille dumped him on Paradise. Almost. “I loved Shakira when I was young” she says to explain her training. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. WHY.
It doesn’t even score her some normal time with Matt, it just…. ends.
Then Elly wrenches Matt’s arm as he passes by, presumably to go scream into a pillow over how awkward that bellydancing was. She has a gift for him, and is all serious about it but then – it’s a flanno. A flanno shirt.
She gets him to take off his nice formal shirt and put the flanno on, and honestly – she looks like a mum prepping their son for graduation.
All the girls lose their shit over his rig, but Elly’s just setting up her own personal fantasy of Lumberjack Matt which is quite a mood.
The rose ceremony is two Bachie ladies going home, and the bottom three ends up being Helena, Nichole and Mary. No surprises here, Mary and Nichole are unceromoniously booted.
Anyway OBSESSED with next week – Snez and Sam! Laura and Matty! BACHIE ROYALTY!!! They pick someone weird for the group dinner! She’s 25! That’s all we know! I’m thinking Helena. Sorry I’ll stop yelling at you now – til next week, you guys.
Love Mel (and Josie, when she’s not sick with lurgy)? They co-host our true crime podcast All Aussie Mystery Hour. A bunch of mildly inappropriate lols and a scary story each week – tune in here.
