We’ve all seen more than our fair share of out-of-the-ordinary shit on the glory that is metropolitan public transport. Carriages are, more or less, mobile sleeping quarters, eateries, bars, restrooms, playgrounds, pits of aliens slowly compacting the roof inwards on the top of your head because the Government, etc. If operating companies steered into the skid and rebranded it all as a mobile circus they’d probably make a killing in tourist dollars. But a Melbourne couple kicked things up a notch by filming, in broad daylight, one of the most profoundly non-titillating sex scenes you’re ever likely to see, and then uploaded it to the Internet.

In a train carriage occupied by two unsuspecting other passengers (one who is in the next freaking row, for pete’s sake) two consenting adults fumble around like a pair of teenagers whose only sexual reference point was the first American Pie movie. The pair are on what appears to be an outbound Epping train. We don’t know where they got on, but we certainly know where they got off!

It was at Reservoir Station. They… they got off at Reservoir Station. *taps mic*

The film continues after they exit atop the black locomotive at Edwardes Lake Park in a scene that doesn’t appear to have been location scouted previously, nor was any forethought put in in regards to the logistics of the surroundings. But you certainly can’t fault them for giving it the old College try regardless.

A spokesman from the Darebin Council stated that, at the very least, producers of the film could be fined for filming without a permit. Which is a beautiful way of skirting an awkward subject through bureaucracy – the Government’s gift to the unconfident.

Whatever the case, in future Metro Trains are urging all customers to utilise the intercom system in place on all trains to alert drivers to any anti-social behaviour. So be sure to speak up the next time you spy anyone getting down on the Upfield line.

And now you’ll think twice when you sit down on a train seat and it’s ever so slightly damp.

Photo: Scott Barbour via Getty Images.