Wait, What … Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Are A Thing Now?!

Back the fuck up everybody, there’s big news. 
Reliable sources* inform us that DJ-slash-underwear model Calvin Harris and nightmare dressed like a daydream Taylor Swift are an item now, and there’s nothing you or anybody can do about it. 
If this is true – and it’s on the internet, so it must be – then every other couple in the world just got downgraded to junk status, with the merging of these two perfect human beings.
How sure are we about this? Let’s consider the evidence.
EXHIBIT A: Taylor and Calvin were recently spotted wearing “matching outfits” at a Whole Foods in Nashville, an erotically-charged courtship moment we can’t even begin to wrap our fevered imaginations around.
EXHIBIT B: Gossip monsters TMZ spotted the pair together at a recent Kenny Chesney concert, engaging in “strategic PDA” including (but not limited to) kissing, holding hands and sitting in each other’s laps.
via YouTube
That said, Calvin once said that he’d swipe left on Taylor because she’s “the opposite of my type.” Here’s video to prove it. Don’t pretend like you’re not enthralled by this:

We’re monitoring Taylor Swift’s feed for an effortlessly sassy Tweet denying any and all rumours, which should be about five hours away.
* J/K, it’s actually Jezebel
Photo: Ian Gavan via Getty Images