The word ‘bloodbath’ gets thrown around a lot, but do you ever stop and imagine what that might actually look like? The only visual that pops into my head is of Sookie Stackhouse masturbating resentfully in a tub of lukewarm o-negative while Vampire Bill watches creepily through the window. Gross. Last week’s episode of The Voice didn’t resemble that, but it was still a bloodbath.
7:36: Because Johnny is the designated hottie now and because the show has to pad like a motherfucker this week, Kat is forced to participate in a clip package where she talks about his husky, sexy voice, and she is not happy about it. She seems even less happy to be performing a duet with him. They’re singing Kylie & Robbie Williams‘ ‘Kids’, and look sorry, I just don’t get how or why this terrible song or Robbie Williams are things. Kat seems furious that she’s been drafted into this, while Johnny is just happy to be there because being a chill dude is his thing.
7:56: Hamish probably dreams about smothering Andy with a pillow in his sleep at this point, right?
7:58: Darren promises a performance featuring the “ferocious” talents of Anja and ZK, proving conclusively that a) he’s getting paid by the goddamn adjective tonight, and b) he doesn’t have any concept of what “ferocious” means. The three of them are performing Gotye‘s ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’, which is weird for a number of reasons, but I’m just going to focus on how much this song sounds like ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’ and I’ll get through this okay. Anja’s the strongest singer of the three and ZK still aren’t quite across their harmonies, and it’s over now, so we can all move on.
8:04: That Scottish Voice Kids kid has entirely too much confidence.
8:09: When Gwyneth Paltrow invented the duet in 2000, I’m not sure that this is what she had in mind. Holly and Frank say a few nice things about each-other in the preamble to their performance, which is ‘The House Of The Rising Sun’ this evening. They’ve put the two of them in a spooky graveyard setting, even though I’m pretty sure this song is about a brothel in New Orleans, but sure. Frank gets on his knees and screams “don’t do what I have done!” like he stole the last Yakult from the office fridge and is now having regrets. Vocally, they’re both solid.
– My friend, describing Jackson, maybe not inaccurately
8:35: Sabrina Batshit is up next, with Jessie J‘s ‘Who You Are’. She hits the high notes pretty effortlessly at the start but then takes it a little too bit at the end. It’s a good thing everyone’s already voted this week. If she’s out, there’ll be fucking trouble. Her eye contact game is out of this world tonight.
8:41: They’re not showing the right side of Kylie‘s head tonight. Is she okay? Did something happen? I feel like maybe she was ironing it in the hotel room and accidentally burned some of it off. This is upsetting. Even more upsetting is the fact that Sabrina is going home. I just can’t with this right now.
8:43: Oh, twist. No she’s not. There’s a wildcard option tonight. Goddammit. Don’t toy with me like that, The Voice.
8:52: Holly is bringing her Very Sexy Baby voice to Amy Winehouse‘s ‘You Know I’m No Good’ tonight, and she’s very polished, although a little too chipper and upbeat to be tackling this particular song. I think you need at least some inner turmoil to tackle Amy Winehouse. “It was tasteful what you did up there,” says Ricky, inadvertently giving the most accurate critique of the night.
8:57: will says that Frank reminds him of Perry Farrell. That’s completely accurate. Nobody in the audience has any fucking idea who Perry Farrell is. Ugh. Forget it, Jake, it’s The Voice Town.
9:00: Frank is going through to the finals, although the Palmer United Party pushed a new bill through the Senate this week mandating that we now all have to refer to him as Lakoudis.
9:05: Kat‘s kitty cat ears are back, and she has regressed to the point where she’s singing show tunes. The frank, forward sexually aggressive Black Swan Kat from a few weeks back would lock this Kat in her bedroom as punishment for this. Come performance time, she’s sitting perched on a big, plywood crescent moon with sparkly glitter on it. This has all gone a little bit high school musical – like, an actual high school musical, not the Zac Efron kind – but Kat’s a strong enough singer that she powers through this nonsense.
9:10: Johnny‘s telling the story of hos his parents met, and Kylie‘s staring fixedly at him saying “love … overcame … adversity”, plotting his girlfriend’s murder in her mind. Johnny sings ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’ against a backdrop of rainy windows straight out of a sad Friends episode where Ross pines for Rachel. His soulful vocals are enough to get Kylie standing on her chair gyrating.
9:18: Johnny is going through to the finals. Poor Kat seems to be taking it well. She and Elly can do a duet of ‘Let It Go’ sometime.
9:24: You’ve gotta hand it to will, he’s a relentless self-promoter – or I guess, in this case, a Team will promoter. He’s backstage, whispering dark secrets in Anja‘s ear, telling her that she’s just as good as Whitney Houston and could easily be a global superstar on that level. Way to give Anja ideas, will. Come performance time, Anja’s ‘I Have Nothing’ is actually very damn solid, especially considering she’s just 18. She’s not super confident with the more complicated runs at the end, which just reminds you of how good Whitney was in her prime. I saw her on her last tour and it was super sad and kind of a whole thing and if you want to I guess you can buy me a drink some time and I’ll tell you all about it.
9:28: ZK seem really, really nice, but whoah, their harmonies need some work. The snippet we hear of their rehearsal is rough as guts. will gives them a gentle but firm pep talk telling them that being a successful performer is a privilege you have to earn. Dammit, will, stop being so reasonable. It’s a little painful. They both sound very nervous. The Glee version of this song was more rousing. Take that however you want.
9:35: ZK are going through to the finals. Anja has chosen to remain upbeat. She’d better stay out of Sabrina‘s way, though.
9:37: As we cut to commercial, will curtly orders his space watch to “compose Tweet.” Jeez, will, do you talk to your magic robot toilet with that mouth?
9:39: So at this point, the finale is Johnny, Frank, ZK and Jackson. That’s a little grim, right?
9:42: Before we get to find out whether or not you saved Sabrina, The Voice blue-balls us with a Ricky Martin performance, which is just classic The Voice. It’s all bright, flashing lights and Latin percussion and dancers doing backflips and if we’re being honest, Ricky’s a bit of a DILF, but this song is not a thing.
9:47: A Kat, Holly, Ajna and Sabrina final would have been way, way, way better, right? How did we even get to this point?
9:52: Australia has voted and Anja‘s going through. Look, if it couldn’t be Sabrina, I’m glad it was her. Poor, poor Sabrina. So tiny and so powerful. If you’re reading this, Sabrina, give me a call and we’ll get wicked hammered and do karaoke together.