While you were outside today making each and every moment count, bless you, the European Union of Music Television assembled a motley crew of weirdos, pop anomalies and actors on cross-promotional marketing duties to sit in the same room, emote and presumably put words to music in some semblance of order. Most of them did an A1 job at balancing the art of wearing clothes, remaining sober and not flashing their cooch; neither Miley Cyrus nor Iggy Azalea can lay claim to those qualities after the event that was The 2013 Amsterdam MTV EMAs.

Here’s a fashion wrap of those celebritiés who walked the red carpet and whose names and faces I know better than my own. Sorry, Austin Mahone, Fresno and Caro Emerald! Maybe next time.

Perfect teen Ariana Grande needs to check her weave because that thing is looking a little dang (I realise this probably isn’t a weave). Grande balances her follicular exuberance with a subdued, age-appropriate, red carpet ready, beige and vector lace number. She pairs it with flesh-coloured tights and the hooves of a precious unicorn. The most interesting thing you need to know about Ariana Grande is that she legitimately believes that demons walk among us and that there’s a portal to Hell in a Kansas City cemetery.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

The only thing I can tell you about Chris Lee/Li Yuchun is that she often wears head to toe Givenchy on red carpets. I wouldn’t hedge my bets on this being a Tisci ensemble but it’s probably not that far off. For that reason, and because this was a pretty lame red carpet, Li-Lee warrants inclusion on this list for an exuberant, androgynous Midnight Shift/Midnight Cowboy number.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

I don’t care.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

That was a D-grade Icona Pop joke, ICYMI. Also, I’m just genuinely ambivalent about what’s going on above: Beetlejuice tailoring, taxidermic deer-in-headlights expression, wicker basket crotch, everything.

😛

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

For lunch today I ate a salad containing five, maybe seven different seeds, pulses, grass cuttings, grains and legumes. It was bland as balls and yet still managed to be more interesting than this silk charmeuse snore. Sure, Katy Perry almost always looks great and those are some excellent ‘darts’ but there’s a 0% chance of pyrotechnics or whipped cream theatrics erupting from this ensemble – and, you know, when in Rome.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

If you ignore the beige peep-toes and Tyson Beckford’s monochromatic man-clutch, you’ve got a delicious side-eyed Ten sandwich.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

This is a grown man wearing a lamé crocodile skin motif suit, sans shirt, paired with sequinned Vans; this is a woman wearing a smile that speaks of the slowly-dawning realisation of the former. That, or true love and happiness. You get yours, Azarenka.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

This is a vision in three-piece oxblood poly-blend.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

I don’t hate this new line-up.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

Not sure if aping the Kings of Leon, pre-stylist intervention.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

RJ Mitte parlays his brilliantly nuanced, heartbreaking performance in Breaking Bad into the right to wear questionable leather lapels, leather pants and a blossoming rose print scarf and no one can say anything about it.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

Dat ass, however, says it all.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

Just kidding, you guys! Miley Cyrus is the artist this generation deserves and Bangerz is a jam.

Yes, that’s a joint and yes, MTV censored it.

Red Carpet Boners and Stoners From The 2013 MTV Amsterdam EMAs

All photos by Gareth Cattermole, Ian Gavan via Getty