Kanye West is famous for two things: music and fashion. So, when he dropped his latest album Jesus Is King, I was expecting some killer Yeezy-style Jesus merch to rock next time I go to Good Friday mass.
But apparently when Kanye found Jesus, he also found a Windows XP computer with Word Art and MS Paint and got to work drawing up some “merch”.
Now, my colleague Jack seems to think these are some killer designs, but he’s wrong and is no longer allowed to voice his opinion.
“This merch is tight as fuck,” will go down in P.TV history as the last thing Jack was ever allowed to contribute.
I love Kanye, and as much as I was disappointed in the new album, I’m far from a Yeezy hater. I think he’s a creative genius and I love that he’s constantly trying to push boundaries in all aspects of his life. But I’m sorry, this ain’t it.
The “collection” (if you can even call it that) was designed in collaboration with A$AP Rocky’s AWGE creative agency, and it’s honestly just a hot mess. The 34-piece collection is living proof that you should aim for quality over quantity.
Prices range from $20USD for a pair of dirty ass gym socks that look like they’ve been left to brew in their own filth for so long that they’ve turned a sweaty shade of off-white, right up to $260USD for a hoodie. Yes. That is $375 (plus tax) Australian for a fucking MS Paint hoodie with some Word Art on it.
If dirty gym socks aren’t really your thing, you can also invest in a t-shirt that was absolutely drawn on MS Paint that depicts our lord and saviour Jesus Christ, surrounded by blue lightning bolts with the word “Sunday” written on the sleeve.
All purchase also include a presale ticket link to an unannounced Kanye West event, just in case you have a spare couple of hundred dollars after buying a nearly $400 hoodie.
Thankfully, some of the other designs aren’t quite as ridiculous, with Jesus Is King vinyl and Sunday Service-inspired designs if you’re not quite ready to look like you printed your t-shirt off a Windows XP computer.
I’m still quietly hoping this is some sort of practical joke, but I double checked the calendar and it’s Halloween, not April Fools day, so I think the real horror is that this collection is 100% serious.
Surprising to absolutely nobody at this point, the collection was ripped to shreds on Twitter. Obviously, there were some people, like my colleague Jack, who dig the merch, but I simply refuse to give those tweets any attention. There are no rules here. This is my kingdom and I will not glorify sub-par Kanye merch.
We deserve better from a fashion icon like Yeezy. Don’t give us masterpieces like My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy then let us down with this merch. How dare you.
Bro Kanye is charging $240 for that MS paint looking sweater ????????
Anyone wearing it is getting robbed on sight https://t.co/NJTyPhc23A
— Plathanos ???????????? #HIVESZN (@SavinTheBees) October 30, 2019
you wont believe it but people r gonna wear the kanye – jesus is king merch
— deadcrow (@devdcrow) October 30, 2019
This Kanye "Jesus is King" merch is flaming dumpster juice just like the album https://t.co/nXlRzvRlfT
— "Nacho Man" Randall Savage (@IAN_XXIVKTD) October 30, 2019
If you want to throw away a fortnight’s rent on a stupid hoodie, you can do it here.Image: Getty Images / Rich Fury