A dilapidated North Melbourne house, which is half burnt down and missing a portion of its roof, is selling for up to $1.25 million. In case you wanted to laugh-cry about the housing market with us again.

Ah yes: old, disgusting, uninhabitable homes selling for millions of dollars while The Youth™ struggle to pay rent and live off Mi Goreng for the fifth time this week. We love to see it. *Screams into abyss.*

This particular home, which I’m honestly convinced was modelled after the one in Monster House, is located in Thornbury, Melbourne – which the description mentions 10,000 times because there is really no other way you could market a place so terrible.

Melbourne House Front
A massive hole in the ceiling?? Or a rustic skylight with front to back airflow???? Perspective, baybee.

The ad describes this (definitely cursed) house as “the blank canvas you’ve been searching for” and I just – sweetie, that canvas is definitely *not* blank. It is a whole-arse charcoal drawing. And I have never searched for anything like it ever, I assure you.

I mean, just look a it – the top right has literally burnt to a crisp, with half the bloody roof missing.

The evil part of me can just hear the whisper of a real estate agent in my ear, convincing me that actually, this is in fact a perfect opportunity to install a rustic skylight. I mean, you’re already halfway there!

Burnt living room

Ah yes, just the usual wear and tear.

Almost the entire ad is spent describing the ever-coveted area of North Melbourne, which makes sense because otherwise they would actually have to start describing the property itself. In positive, shop-able terms. I definitely would not want that job.

In the last paragraph of the listing, it finally gets to the actual property in question – and yes, I laughed. Give this real estate agent a raise, because the way they’ve managed to spin this monstrosity into something aspirational is genuinely skilful.

“The home itself – north-facing, bookended by verandahs and equipped with four bedrooms, kitchen, living and dining rooms and cosy backyard – has weathered some significant wear-and-tear and would offer a fabulous challenge for renovators, while for those looking for the ultimate position to lock in the coveted inner-north lifestyle will delight in creating something brand new,” the description reads.

Melb house burnt room
SCREAMING. NO COHERENCE LEFT. JUST SCREAMING.

I’m sorry – “significant wear and tear” (!!!) and “a fabulous challenge for renovators” is the understatement of the century. This house has barely survived whatever curse ravaged it!! There is no roof!! There’s a giant hole in the floor that probably leads straight to Satan himself!!!

Melb house backyard
A lovely grassy backyard to prop up the tent you’ll definitely need to sleep in.

But hey – at least the backyard is cute I guess?

If you haven’t reached today’s despair quote yet, the link to view this North Melbourne gremlin-hangout is here. And if the idea of moving into a broken down, soot-covered, dilapidated ghost haunt appeals to you, the house will be auctioned off Saturday, 31 July.