How To Protect & Defend Your Bits Against The Stingy Sensation Of A UTI

If you haven’t found yourself legs splayed on the porcelain throne, facing the painful sting of a urinary tract infection (or UTI) in the middle of the night, you are one of the lucky ones. The exquisite torture of that constant need to wee versus the feeling of whizzing out razor blades through your delicate bits – it’s Not Fun, folk. It’s not fun at all.

So obviously you’ve gotta know how to avoid this nasty lil’ bugger, but more importantly you should also know what to do if it does crop up. Preparation is key, and you wanna have everything on hand so you don’t wind up having to do a mad bowlegged dash to the chemist to get yourself sorted.

wounded nethers coming through

Wipe and wash with love

Whether you’re in the middle of a full on UTI catastrophe or you’re just trying to avoid the stingy sucker, you’ve gotta take care of your fairy. What has it ever done so wrong to you that you smother it in dodgy fabrics and wipe the wrong way? It doesn’t deserve that. It deserves just as much care and devotion from you that you’d expect from your frick-frack partner – more so, even.

So there are three (seemingly) obvious rules of thumb here.

  1. Don’t use fancy soaps. The vagina is self-cleaning and if you go sloshing up any chemicals in there it’s going to upset the pH balance and give you one very unhappy kitty. Warm water will do the job nicely. Trust me.
  2. Wipe the right way. You do NOT want any bacteria from your butt getting anywhere near you, do I really have to spell that out for you?
  3. Wear natural fibre knickers (and change ’em on the reg). You’d think the bracketed info is obvious, but apparently y’all need a reminder. Go for cotton undies, they’ll keep you snug.

keep ’em clean if you know what’s good for you

Remember to have a good wee

One surefire way to minimise the risk of copping a UTI is going for a quick whiz after getting busy. I’m not saying it’ll eliminate it entirely, but it’ll go a loooong way in helping any bacteria float their way on out in the stream. So really, a cheeky post-sexy-time wee is vital.

And it needs to be quite soon after you’ve finished (ahem), so although I’m not expecting you to do a full-on mad dash to the loo within milliseconds of the final throes, you’ll want to get it done early so the bacteria doesn’t have a chance to make a lil’ nest up there.

someone tell Kings of Leon, this sex is on fire

Keep as hydrated as you can

It’s good advice for every day but it’s absolutely imperative when your downstairs feels like you’ve popped a squat in poison ivy. Drinking a whole lot of water will help flush out the bacteria faster – and if you’re copping it really badly then you can also sip cranberry juice.

I won’t lie to you – drinking a lot will lead to weeing a lot. And if you’re concerned that you’ll spend half your life on the bowl feeling like you’ve done the splits on a hedgehog, take solace in the fact that it’ll be over that much quicker as a result. Breathe through the pain.

grab the frozen peas, the burn is real

Slurp a sachet

There comes a time where water alone just won’t cut it, and you need something a bit more concentrated to help rid yourself of the stinging demon in your bits. That’s when you’ve gotta get a Ural sachet down your gob, stat.

The effervescent sachet goes into your water, down your gullet and neutralises the acid in your urinary tract (yep, there’s acid right on up there), plus it’ll help zap out any lingering bacteria organisms. And hey, it’s fizzy and tastes like cranberry, so that’s fun.

you too, could be this smugly UTI-free

Say g’day to your GP

If things are looking really dire or your UTI persists for longer than a couple of days, you really do need to go have a chat with your doctor. Getting serious for a sec, if left untreated UTIs can progress into liver infections and you do NOT want that.

Trust me, there’s nothing worse than leaving it for a few days under the impression it’ll go away on its own, then waking up the next morning feeling like you’re birthing a bundle of barbed wire and misshapen forks.

if it’s this bad, go see your doc ASAP

So look, if you’re sitting there right now with your legs crossed, cringing at the thought of an unfriendly visitor to your nethers, heed my words. Drink water, take care of your bits and always have a sachet of Ural on hand just in case of emergency.

Because when the alternative is feeling like you’ve accidentally sat on a chainsaw, it’s worth it.