There is nothing in this world more emotionally scarring than to receive a brain freeze. Okay maybe there is, but honestly it’s pretty bloody devastating that your ice-cream, cold drink or Slurpee could betray you so completely. It’s a level of treachery that we simply cannot describe.
But what we can and will describe in all its excruciating detail is the pain of a brain freeze and how the heck it even happens.
If you’re one of the incredibly lucky few who have not only never experienced a brain freeze, but are somehow miraculously CANNOT get one (insert brainless joke here – it’s just too easy), you don’t understand how it feels almost exactly like someone is driving an ice pick directly into your skull with all the subtlety of a screaming goat.
Excuse me brain, what are you doing?
The scientific name for the accursed phenomenon is sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia, which basically sounds more like someone is trying to recite Harry Potter spells whilst simultaneously filling their gullet with dumplings – and frankly, we’d rather do that than cop the freeze.
The reason that it happens is because the rapid change in temperature after taking a big ol’ gulp of your fave frozen substance causes your blood vessels to get reallllll unimpressed – most notably, at the back of your throat you’ve got two arteries that deliver blood to the brain and make up the tissue. When these get cold, they dilate and constrict.
The brain doesn’t like change (same) so it gets all huffy that the temperature is rapidly cooling and begins to hurt. The baffling part is when you realise that technically the brain doesn’t actually feel pain – it’s the pain receptors near those arteries that makes you think you’re in pain. Honestly, what?
And yet, we persist, indulging in the heavenly icy substances that give our brains such a fright. In fact, we have absolutely every intention of copping a massive frozen load of Slurpee this 7-Eleven BYO Cup Day, on October 5th.
So because we know you’re firmly in the same boat as us on that point, we did some digging to find out how many of the brain freeze hacks online actually are legit – and how many just make you look like an idiot.
1. Think of something completely random
Pineapples. The moon. The crushing weight of existence. Make it something really random. It’ll distract you, but it won’t make the pain go away any faster.
2. Bang your forehead
Will you look stupid? Absolutely. Does it work? Kind of. All this will do is distract you from the pain by introducing more pain elsewhere. So, either way, pain.
3. Don’t swallow straight away
This is more of a preventative than an actual method of getting rid of the brain freeze. Supposedly if you hold the substance in your mouth for an extra few moments it will warm it up and make it less freezing as it goes down your throat. Doesn’t much help when you’re in the throes of a freeze, though.
4. Suck on your thumb
Head back to the days of your infancy, where you’d suck on your thumb to your heart’s content (but not too much ‘coz apparently it can seriously affect your bite and thumb). This will work to reduce the pain because you’re introducing something warm (and hopefully clean) into your mouth to warm up those angry arteries.
5. Flatten your tongue on the roof of your mouth
Pop your tongue up among your top teeth as if you’re about to make a clicking noise. This will work in a similar way to sucking on your thumb, in that it’ll help to warm up your mouth and encourage the pain to dissipate. Plus it looks far less obvious than a thumb-sucking sesh.
6. Massage your temples while humming
Givvus your best Professor X impression next time you wanna rid yourself of the dreaded freeze. Add to the effect by humming, maybe even rolling your neck around in a good stretch. You want to aim for a sensory overload, so it’ll distract you from the pain. It doesn’t really minimise it or hasten its departure, but you’ll feel productive and that’s always nice.
But honestly as much as the pain sucks, we all know that we’re suckers for the sweet deliciousness that is an icy drink anyway. Slurp your drink without fear. You’re armed with a collection of hacks that might help (read: probably won’t help much). So why not?
Go on and freeeeeeeze your brain.
