The Knight Before Christmas, Netflix’s latest Chrissy rom-com featuring Vanessa Hudgens, arrived over the weekend, officially launching the festive film season. We (Steff and Louis) thought it wise to pour the eggnog, if you will, and dissect the film entirely. Please enjoy the following rollercoaster of emotions.

LOUIS: Alriiiiiiiiighty, I just finished ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ and I have many-a-feeling. LET’S SET THE SCENE. The film begins in Norwich, England in 1334. Real medieval vibes. We meet Sir Cole, a knight who encounters some “old crone” chick, who gives him a medallion thing and is like ‘I’m sending you into the future to do a certain thing and the only way you can come back to medieval times is if you do that thing before Chrissy eve.’ What’s the thing? Who knows? Anyway, is it bad that I immediately rolled my eyes when I found out it’d be a film about knights? Safe to say, I began the film with a very pessimistic, Grinchy heart.

We Watched ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ & Had Some Thoughts About That Hunky Sir ColeSTEFF: Yeeeees. Hard agree, but I was about three slices of pizza in already and feeling happy and satisfied so I went with it. Also, the “old crone”??? I don’t know why but I heard that as Old Coon, as in the cheese, and I got so confused. ANYWAY, let’s keep going. I just want to see Vanessa Hudgens – the light of my life.

LOUIS: I was so shooketh when I found out Vanessa was playing a teacher. She’ll always be 15 in my eyes and my heart.

STEFF: But of course she’s kind and caring and perfect and the “cool aunt”. Also, her wardrobe? Can winter come back so I can dress like her. I am OBSESSED.

We Watched ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ & Had Some Thoughts About That Hunky Sir ColeLOUIS: That opening conversation with a student, when she’s all like, ‘give up on that dream of finding a knight in shining armour and don’t let him get in the way of that GPA’. I was like, YES BITCH, YOU TELL HER.

STEFF: Of course she’s disillusioned by love though, like OF COURSE. But also, I can’t imagine my teacher telling me to drop the dick. I’d scream and run away.

LOUIS: “Hey student, drop the dick.”

STEFF: But also “Grayson broke up with me” is one hundo an excuse I used to get out of uni assignment once. Hehe.

LOUIS: OMFG tea. Did it work?

STEFF: YES! I got an extension, lol. Love u, Monica.

LOUIS: Monica, you the real MVP of this story. So Hottie Knight Boy™ finds himself in 2019, and begins the whole I’m-from-a-far-away-land-and-am-very-confused-by-everything spiel. This was my face when he referred to an overhead plane as ‘a flying steel dragon’.

We Watched ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ & Had Some Thoughts About That Hunky Sir ColeSTEFF: SAME. I don’t know how I feel about him though – maybe it’s the knight getup. But anyway, he slams into – oh, God, what’s her name? BROOKE. Brooke full on hits him with her car (oops) Brooke and the local cop thinks Sir Cole has a bit of post traumatic amnesia, so they go along with it. She even invites him to stay at her guest house? I’m just like??? I would never just let a random bloke with a SWORD stay at my house.

LOUIS: Who in their right mind would invite a man, claiming he’s a noble knight from the 14th century, into their home? Surely this isn’t the message we should be sending kids lmao. There’s a cute moment inside Brooke’s house where Sir Cole encounters Alexa, the technology, and calls it ‘Lady Alexa’. We stan 2019 technology gags.

STEFF: We stan product placement. That shirtless scene though, it’s been 20 minutes.

LOUIS: You already know I jumped at the screenshots.

We Watched ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ & Had Some Thoughts About That Hunky Sir ColeSTEFF: I expected nothing less from you Sir Louie.

LOUIS: I realised why I found ‘Sir Cole’ so weird to say… I legit thought everyone was saying ‘circle’.

STEFF: AHAHAHAHA. I actually snorted, oh my God. CIRCLE.

LOUIS: ‘Circle this’, ‘circle that’…. too much geometry.

STEFF: OK, I’m skipping past the cute bants and the ex-boyfriend chat. Can we just appreciate the Netflixception happening here. Love me a knight who watches Netflix holiday romcoms. What a dream.

We Watched ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ & Had Some Thoughts About That Hunky Sir ColeLOUIS: I didn’t know that was an actual film… my only thought was, ‘why the fuck is Charlotte from Sex and The City on a safari on their telly?’

STEFF: Sex And The City 3, I feel it in my bones.

LOUIS: Can we agree that the next chunk of the film was pretty… blurghhh? It was essentially just Sir Cole doing chores around the house in the lead up to Christmas and continuing to be super confused at life. It’s clear that they’re developing feelings for each other at this point. BUT ALSO SHE LET HIM DRIVE HIS CAR AT ONE POINT???? Who the fuck does that? They’d known each other for like 2 days?

STEFF: I KNOW. My mother birthed me and she still doesn’t let me drive her car. Like ??? Also, how did he know how to shift gears?

LOUIS: Brooke’s too trusting of Circle.

STEFF: OMG, and when Circle starts speaking in an American accent. WHY.

LOUIS: OMG yes, I forgot about that. He literally starts randomly speaking in an American accent and saying phrases ‘like LIT AF FAM’ and ‘bae’ to prove that he’s quirky and relatable and observant, and it’s like, sweetie, stop, please.

What about her flirty neighbour who comes over and tries to invite Circle to carols? Circle passes because he’s a true gent and can sense that Brooke is a tad jelly, but Brooke then fully tries to shame her – saying something like, ‘everyone called her the flirty one in school.’ TBH I relate to flirty neighbour more than she’ll ever know.

STEFF: Ok honestly, that entire sub plot was so random and absolutely not necessary. It made up like 3 seconds of the entire movie. Also hi, love this outfit.

We Watched ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ & Had Some Thoughts About That Hunky Sir Cole

And look at this colour coordination. I want that jumper.

We Watched ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ & Had Some Thoughts About That Hunky Sir Cole

I can’t stop. LEGS FOR DAYS.

We Watched ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ & Had Some Thoughts About That Hunky Sir Cole

Also, I’m proving how little life I lead here but when Brooke’s sister is talking about that giant acorn to her daughter and says, “Your grandparents picked this up on their trip to Aldovia” – Aldovia is the kingdom in A Christmas Prince. So like, is this movie also in the same universe as The Princess Switch? ‘Cos HeHE.

LOUIS: What about the scene in which Brooke’s niece goes missing and Circle uses his noble knight skills to track her down? The niece found herself on shaky ice in the middle of a lake and Circle inevitably helps her crawl to safety. He’d actually done a whole heaps of good deeds for the community by this point, but this was ABSOLUTELY the peak. HOW CUTE WAS THAT? Like surely Brooke just would’ve been like, ‘take me as i am. I’m yours xx’

STEFF: I just loved Brooke’s family in general, like when her niece gives her best friend her gloves because she could’t afford new ones. WHOLESOME. ANYWAY, fast forward to Christmas Eve.

LOUIS: They’ve been flirting for days now and the tension is palpable…

STEFF: Thoughts, feelings, opinions?

LOUIS: Flirty neighbour gives Circle a mistletoe which he uses on Brooke and they KISS. FINALLY. His medallion thingy lights up and it’s clear he’s achieved his mission. So how does he celebrate? By literally fucking off back to the 14th century as quickly as possible… Like not even a minute later… SUCH A SOFTBOI. Boys only want one thing – to pash and dash – it’s disgusting.

Image: Netflix