We’re into the final week or week/s (lol I don’t know, I don’t care for details) of Love Island Australia folks, which means soon we will have a void in our lives, much like when you quit ciggies and you know it’s bad to want one, but you really, really want one. Same/same.
I have literally gotten to the point now where I hate every couple on this show, so I don’t even care who wins. I guess if someone held a gun to my head I’d say Erin and Eden, but frankly even THEY are pissing me off now.
Anyway, last night saw the gang re-couple for the final time, before we start voting to ship couples off the island one by one, presumably to a row boat where they’re told there’s no more budget to fly them back to London for their home connection, so they’ll have to fend for themselves through shark-infested waters.
We open with the aftermath of Grant and Tayla‘s ridiculous “babe will youse be my girlfriend” ceremony, where they’re loved up and gross. Boring! Let’s talk about fun stuff – like how Millie is CLEARLY trying to convince Australia that she’s conveniently developed the “fanny flutters” for Mark at the last fucking second of Love Island life, and is not, in fact, faking her feelings at all.
She makes Amelia ask Mark (I shit you not) to kiss her.
Like why don’t you just go tell Mark you’re interested in him??? I for one would be more weirded out if someone’s mate came up to me and was like “hey, HEY! HEY!! You should 10000% kiss Oliver. He’s super keen. You should kiss him.” I would probably be this level of awkward, to be honest:
Anyway, it works – probably bc this place is like a soul void – and they have the most staged kiss I’ve ever seen.
Like Millie, if you’re gonna try and make us believe you suddenly found love with the last remaining single man you haven’t eschewed with a firm hand already, at least try and look less like you want to vomit in his mouth?
They decide to sleep on the outdoor beds, so Millie starts making it up right in front of Kory, who she chose to couple up with literally a day ago before going off him.
Meanwhile, Kory and Erin are just throwing shit on each other in a fun and zesty way, before Eden loses it and starts coming for Kory for being rude to Erin??? And Erin just sits there loving it??
It’s weird and bullying-ish and I hate it which now means I hate everyone on this show, Erin was my last favourite.
Anyway, Amelia has a D & M with Millie about how she’s maybe pushing Josh away bc she gets insecure in relationships. I *want* to believe her? She sounds genuine. But I’m also convinced everyone on this show besides Grant/Tayla and Eden/Erin are faking it at this point to get Instagram followers sooooo.
Anyway it gets kind of cute because she tells Josh, and he’s an angel-face about it.
GUYSSSSSSS it was cute ok? Good lord I’m too romantic for my own good. My take – Josh is deffo legit into Amelia. Jury’s out as to whether she’s into him.
In the morning, Tayla grills Millie about how Mark is every single thing she said she didn’t like in a dude. He shaves his arms. He’s well-groomed. He’s a model. Etc. She does it in a “haha, cute!” way but with her eyes she is saying “you’re a fake bitch”.
Meanwhile Mac (Mark’s original partner) looks like she’s so over all of this shit and just wants to hightail it outta this place.
New Guy, who will henceforth be known as Sad Boi bc he’s OBVIOUSLY hanging around, even though there is literally no reason for him to be there, and always seems to be on the outside of everyone else’s fun/romance, decides to chat to Eden about his, well, bullying. Sad Boi calls it “weird vibes” or whatever but it is bullying, the end.
Eden for his part seems to understand that being labelled the villa bully is not so good for his chance of winning, and gives one of those “sorry you felt that way” apologies which Sad Boi accepts but doesn’t really believe.
I got REALLY EXCITED guys when they were all corralled onto that little games deck thing and told the game for this episode was called ‘Fake News’, and involved the islanders finding out what the media are saying about them. GUESS WHAT, NONE OF MY SPICY ARTICLES WERE QUOTED. Devastated doesn’t cover it. I thought Grant was going to be told I called him a giant pissbaby. Why do I even bother.
What they were told is rumours from the outside, which is spicy but not as spicy as someone showing Grant and Tayla this:
Anyway, the best bits are OBVIOUSLY Erin being told Eden allegedly has a girlfriend on the outside.
And Tayla being told that a girl outside is saying Grant’s cheated on every girl he’s ever been with.
In standard form, Grant’s response was “She’s toxic that girl, that’s why I left her. It’s bullshit”. Which is exactly what every pissbaby dude says about any girl who calls them on their shit, that and “she’s crazy”. UGGGHHHHH TAYLA DUMP HIM FFS.
She also gets informed that there’s a rumour Grant has a secret girlfriend, too. Which leads to Grant pissbabying around the villa acting the victim when it’s like MATE YOU EVEN TOLD CASSIDY YOU’D CHEATED ON GIRLFRIENDS IN THE PAST. You shat your own bed, pal.
Then it’s time for re-coupling – Amelia chooses Josh, Tayla chooses Grant, Erin chooses Eden – I feel like Sophie was looking at them thinking “lol enjoy it while it lasts beb”.
Shelby picks Dom, who she has disgustingly nicknamed “Dommy Bear”, which needs to stop immediately. Millie picks Mark, which leaves Mac to decide who’s getting binned out of Sad Boi and Kory Kardashian. Regrettably, she chooses Sad Boi, missing her chance at joining the Kardashian family (maybe).
Bye Kory Kardashian, we barely knew thee.
Anyway then it’s time for the remaining couples to plead with Australia to pick them for winners of the series. Amelia and Josh start, and while they say nice shit it feels like none of it meets their eyes, no?
Mac and Sad Boi are the least annoying – can they win, please? If the cat isn’t a valid entry, I pick these guys.
I feel like Erin and Eden just know they’ve got this in the bag. Which is ANNOYING ME. Smugness – it’s the worst.
ANYWAY voting has begun, folks. Wonder who gets pushed into the oceanic abyss (slash just shoved onto a Sydney bound plane) tonight.
