Love Island Australia wasn’t much to write home about last night, but as always I watched it so I could tell you in like 1,000 words what happened while also roasting everyone! Grant told Tayla he loves her (gross), everyone played tonsil hockey and Francoise left the building – who cares!
First up we had the fallout from Cassidy leaving the villa. It’s really only Erin who is sad – I’ll miss their bestie bitching tbh – but ofc Millie and Tayla try and convince everyone they’re angel-faces and not demons from the pit of hell by repeating 400 times how no one “kicked Cassidy while she was down” and everyone was “really mature”. Ermmmm did they forget the bit where they’re constantly being filmed and therefore we all saw them exchange bitchy comments and refuse to hug Cass goodbye? WE SAW IT, MATES.
Also Tayla your poker face is terrible.
Meanwhile, Josh and Amelia are dancing around their first ~real~ kiss like it’s Year 10 formal and they’re only partway through a contraband flask of cheap vodka. After about 700 years, they finally go in for a sexy pash.
Erin – who has been giving Eden a pedicure on the balcony, spots them and slides right up to the glass to ogle the couple like a creep (she is forever a mood, honestly).
The night then turns spicy – Grant finally tells Tayla he loves her, which I hundo p do not believe in the slightest. They’re being “cute” by… showing each other their fillings.
I can think of at least 100 things that would be cuter than showing the guy I’m dating my teeth that need fillings. Popping blackheads on his back, for example.
Josh and Amelia are still macking on in front of the parentals (read: Erin and Eden) and Amelia is maybe topless, which is really taking things from 0-400.
Like I personally would not get topless and frisky in a room with 8 other couples who are absolutely listening in with hawk-hearing but also you do you, bb’s.
Millie and Dom also shared a kiss.
In short, everyone was kissing which must have made the Forever Alone folks (Mac, New Guy Who Still Hasn’t Fucking Gone Home, Francoise) feel incredibly awkward and voyeuristic but oh well.
In the morning, Grant is crowing on about telling Tayla he loves her. His face is kind of cute (ugh I can’t believe I said that) when he admits it to Josh at first, but then he has to ruin it by blowing smoke up his own arse with “she was like fully crying, hey”. UGH GRANT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING BY BEING A SELF-IMPORTANT DICKHOLE.
Josh and Amelia are being super cute and loved-up, except I am mildly concerned they (like literally everyone in this place except for maybe Erin and Eden) have absolutely nothing to talk about besides what a great couple they are. There’s a convo in which Amelia says she likes to travel, and Josh is like “yo, me too” but then they just suck face again and it’s like… okay well we ALL like to travel. So.
Josh has a solid ramble to the camera about how “you never say the sky is the limit” because apparently the world is… bigger than the sky… so… onwards and upwards. Honestly what on Earth, I love it.
Tayla tells the girls about how the Grant ‘I Love You’ went down and she’s extremely happy/cute, I still hate her bc she is Regina George but goddamn people in love are infectiously happy.
Then Amelia gets a text – Da Boiz are going on a fishing trip to catch dinner. Yeah fucking right. Also they literally morph into Rex Hunt Fishing World in 0.2 seconds.
The folks at the villa play “Truth Flamingo” which is the same as Truth Bike except they sit on the pool flamingo, and also the producers didn’t force them to do it. It’s fairly borza except for Millie staring daggers through her sunnies as Dom avoids giving ANY straight answers about what’s going on between them.
Rex Hunt’s Fishing World Boiz obviously catch nothing, so they head to a fish shop to buy stuff for dinner instead. It’s a repeat of Erin/Eden’s ill-fated excursion to get tapas snacks, except the dude at the fish shop thinks these guys are even dumber after they ask for “El Prawnos” and try to say salmon in Spanish.
Meanwhile, Jax has decided giving Shelby a personal strip show is the way to her heart. Which like, it’s his schtick I guess and he’s good at it. The best moment is when they caption New Guy Pls Go Home FFS’s comment “ohhh she’s gonna be so WET” with this:
100% I watched that scene 5 times before writing this, he absolutely says “wet”. lololol.
Anyway Shelby looks like she wants to fall through the deck into an Earth abyss.
But I guess she likes it on some level bc she then gives Jax a sexy massage, RIGHT in front of the ‘Seduce’ bedroom sign which I’m sure the producers frothed.
They then have a little kiss.
So even though I thought these two have negative 100 chemistry, maybe they DO like each other? IDK who can tell on this show, all anyone does is talk about how much the “like” each other and rub their S.O’s butt.
Then Erin gets a text – there’s a re-coupling afoot, friends! You’d think given everyone’s pretty coupled up there wouldn’t be drama, but PSYCH! Millie’s finally realising that Dom DGAF about anything in the villa except for himself, so she goes and has a spiritual (I shit you not) d & m with New Guy PLEASE LEAVE and has suddenly decided a few chats that compare trying to find a car park with God equals a bonding experience.
She then goes to chat to Dom, and Josh literally hurtles away from their convo.
She basically calls him on how he never chats to her, and his reaction is this level of “who gives a fuck”:
Meanwhile Mac senses trouble in not-paradise and swoops in on Dom in a really obvious, please-pick-me-before-recoupling way. Honestly, this show is a GAME, guys. If you’re flying solo maybe hit on someone BEFORE a text comes through announcing a re-coupling? No?
Anyway it’s boys picking the girls, so Josh picks Amelia, Grant picks Tayla – which results in this glorious mood from Sophie Monk after they say “I Love You” about 40 times.
Eden picks Erin, Jaxon picks Shelby, and then we’re left with the leftovers for this week – Millie, Mac and Francoise.
New Guy (I won’t stop guys. I’m nothing if not stubborn to a fault) gets to pick first, and he chooses Millie. I think we’re supposed to think Dom is sad, but he’s absolutely like “whatever”.
He’s left to choose who leaves the villa between Mac and Francoise. He chooses Mac, so see ya Francoise-that’s-a-fake-name. We hardly knew ye, literally, bc you barely had any air time.
No one seems to care much but we get the standard group hug business anyway.
Tonight seems SPICY – Shelby’s calling out Jax for being a FAKE!? Beb his “name” is literally derived from a TV show I think we all knew this guy was fake on some level. But hey! Love a fight!
