I can hardly believe we have gotten down to The X-Factor Australia Final Five. After Nathaniel‘s not-so-shock ousting last week, the competition has been left with a slightly female-skewed field. Performing tonight are Shiane and Bella representing Team Natalie, Samantha the last over-25 standing from Team Guy, as well as hot favourites The Collective – Ronan‘s boy-band-to-beat, and Mel B‘s genuinely likeable (but completely “X Factor” lacking) contender Jason.
The Live Show kicks off from 7.30pm tonight on Channel Seven and, as clinically proven aphrodisiac Marvin Gaye would say: Let’s get it on*.
*The show, I mean. Not “it”.
7:32pm: The show hasn’t started yet but I just need to point out (again, as I have done for the past several weeks) that the less sense Mel B‘s sentences on Twitter make, the more I love her.
7:35pm: Tonight the judges will pick the songs for each other’s contestants to perform. I’d love to see a little bit of intentional sabotage (I’m looking at you, Mel B you sly bastard!).
7:36pm: And here they are. Nat is wearing a long red dress with a slutty neckline, quite like the one Scarlett Johansson wore to the 2006 Golden Globes, except that Nat doesn’t quite have the golden globes of Scarlett.
7:40pm: First to perform is Shiane. Guy choose the song “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri from the movie Twilight, I’m guessing from the references to Twilight on the Twitter-feed on the bottom of the screen. This seems like a nice song choice for Shiane, but her voice is failing her a little tonight.
7:45pm: The vocal range this song requires is quite difficult – the pitch jumps around a lot, and Shiane clearly struggles in some sections. Despite a few weak spots in the song the judges have only positive feedback for her. Guy says he LOVED the song choice (groan), and Mel B enjoyed watching the performance because it was clear Shiane was enjoying singing it. Nat is pleased. She yells “I’m very very happy with you… GIRLFRIEND!!!” Ugh, it’s so awkward when Natalie Bassingthwaighte tries youth-speak.
7:48pm: Next up is Ronan‘s group The Collective with their song chosen by Mel B. Mel has dissed the other judges song choices throughout the entire series so she better select a tune worthy of her know-it-all attitude.
7: 50pm: The song is “Beauty And A Beat” by Justin Bieber. Everyone (Mel, Ronan, The Collective) are super psyched about this choice.
7:51pm: This seems like a fun song and the boys in The Collective “bring a lot of energy” (Ugh I’m so ashamed about having become so in tune with this weird reality TV oeuvre of writing/speaking). Tonight The Collective have been smeared with a beautifully coordinated spray tan on their cleavage.
7:55pm: The judges seem pretty psyched about this, with both Ronan and Guy giving them a standing ovation. Will, the one who raps, really gives “this group an edge” says Guy. “You’re back” he tells them. Mel B explains she chose that song because “ih ez verreh verreh currant” and because it would be a challenge. She thinks they rose to the occasion tonight. NEXT!
8:00pm: Next to sing is Sammy singing “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” by Kelly Clarkson, chosen by Natalie. Guy says that they have changed the song to be “a little more Kylie and a little less Kelly”. On camera he says something to Sammy about how her song was chosen by the worst possible person: Nat. Guy clearly as no respect for Natalie as a musician whatsoever. LOL. Totally agree!
8:03pm: Sammy is wearing a fairly amazing black hooded onesie (it IS pretty Kylie – very similar to the “Can’t Get You Outta My Head” white outfit) with a white pretzel print on it. She sounds really on point tonight. Nailed it.
8:04pm: Mel B says she quite liked the song choice and didn’t want the performance to stop. She also says “ahnd, ah want yeh cahtsuit!”. Ronan thought the start was a little bland but once the chorus picked up she nailed it, and Guy says the verbal equivalent of jizzing. Pants on, please Sebastian.
8:13pm: Next is Jason singing the Ronan Keating song “If Tomorrow Never Comes” as chosen by RONAN. Ew, what a narcissistic creep! Mel B and Jason are going to arrange the song to suit Jason – not Ronan.
8:15pm: As much as I love ol’ mate Jason, this is truly lame. But it’s no lamer than the Ronan Keating original, so that probably means Jason has a very successful career ahead! Seriously though, his voice sounds very pretty and in tune and he’s doing his usual charming earnest-faced performance.
8:17pm: Ronan gives Jase-mate a standing ovation, NOT – he says – because it is his own song but because he thinks Jason put his own stamp on it and is the future of country singers in Australia. Nat burns Ronan by announcing it took her DAYS to get over the fact he chose his own song for Jason to sing – a pleasantly bitchy surprise – but DID think it was a great choice for Jason and he did a great job. Mel B goes on about what a lovely boy Jason is and how much she loves him and how proud she is blah blah blah. Then she reaches across the judges table and points at Ronan saying “Yeh probleh jahst chorse thah song to get YOU bahk in theh Australian chawhts!” (Translation: you probably just chose that song to get YOU back in the Australian charts). Gold.
8:24pm: The final performance will be by Bella who is singing “Dreams” by The Cranberries, selected by Mel B. Bella’s mentor Nat says that it’s a great choice – even though she and Mel B argue about song choice every week. Nat says “it’s like mud wrestling out the back every week”, to which Mel says “Eh, I quite like thah”. Honestly.
8:28pm: Bella is perched on a GIANT DREAM CATCHER (what the fuck you guys) and looks extremely angelic. This is a great song choice for her. It is perfect to show off the raspy edge in her voice and her lovely ability to emote on stage. I think that was one of the top two performances tonight.
8:29pm: Guy says it was stunning and that The Cranberries was the perfect song choice for Bella to take on. Mel B says “thah was pehfect for yeh” and that it was marvellous. Ronan says that she was fantastic because it was such a hard song to sing. Nat also thought the song choice was great and that she wants Bella to release a record so she can buy it.
8:33pm: Alright you guys. That’s it for another episode. Share your thoughts, comments, concerns and feelings in the comment section and I’ll see you tomorrow night for the Live Results show, when I will be doing more of this: