Tonight on The X-Factor Australia the Final 12 will be revealed! This announcement will hark the welcome end to the boring non-singing part of the series, and mark the beginning of the far more entertaining and suspense-filled live competition component. Ergo: hurry up tonight.
Last night we watched brief performances from all the contestants before their mentors and their special guest judges Alicia Keys, Usher, One Direction and Ke$ha, who was impressed enough with 14-year-old darlin’ Shiane to make a strange quiet-orgasm face.
Is Ke$ha’s facial expression enough to get Shiane through? Let’s get down to it and meet the Final 12. It’s live blog time everybody…
7:33pm: Mel B‘s contestants – the Under 25 boys – are going to hear whether they made the cut or not into her final 3. First up is Carmello. He wants it so badly… (he actually says “I want it so bad” but grammar ‘n’ shit)… but he hasn’t made the cut. He’s clearly gutted. Poor Carmello. He should definitely explore other career options though.
7:38pm: Mel B is looking like heaven tonight with a white singlet and predictable tattoos on display. God I love her. Next is Adil, who has often succumbed to nerves. Mel gives him the old emotional-switcheroo routine of “I’m sorry to say but the decision has been made… And you’ve made my Top Three!”
7:46pm: Next to the chopping block is Jason from a country town of 3 or so people. Cue Sia’s “Breathe Me” as background music. Literally, that is what they’re playing for this scene. It is setting us up for a sad result… AND THEY GOT ME WITH THE OLD EMOTIONAL-SWITCHEROO once again because Jason made it! Good on you Jason. He’s a nice guy with a sweet voice who calls everyone “mate”. What’s not to like?
7:48pm: More sad music opens the next segment, as blond smiley guy with fugly neck tattoo hits the couch opposite Mel. She can’t take him any further. NEXT!
7:50pm: Only Josh and Matt remain. Matt is from a poor family and shares a bed with his little brother, while Josh is a desperate return contestant from last year. Both have compelling sob stories that work well for both of them, as well as terrible man jewellery. But Mel chooses Josh. He is stoked that all his hard work has paid off. He leaps into the arms of host Luke Jacobz. Hopefully Mel B’s first port of call as mentor will be making some needed styling changes.
7:59pm: Now to Guy‘s group of contestants: the Over 25s. First we have Sammy who Guy knows personally and is pretty (“she’ll be right in life – she’s good looking” my questionable boyfriend just said, to my disbelief). Despite the fact it’s going to look like major favouritism Guy puts Sammy in his top 3.
8:02pm: Old mate Justin faces Guy next. He is a middle aged country guy with an Akubra and dangling earring. Guy tells him “the thing I struggle about with you is how you would fit in this industry”. Justin’s face drops like a pie in the hands of a drunk… But he’s through!! He let’s out a “yee har” as he canters out of the room.
8:04pm: A rather forgettable chap named Chris goes up for the verdict and Guy gives him the hard news that he won’t be going through. Probably for the best.
8:06pm: The final spot in Guy’s Final 3 is between Nathaniel and Rob. Both dudes have rocked up for judgement day in the most incomprehensibly hideous outfits you can imagine. Ultimately, though, Nathaniel is Guy’s final pick and he and his black and grey waistcoat over a singlet and fashion rosary beads go through to party on with Sammy and Justin.
8:13pm: Next up we learn who’ll be the final three in team Natalie. Angel faces Nat first. Nat’s face is so tight with botox it barely registers emotion. Good poker face. After making Angel cry on an emotional cliff hanger, Nat finally reveals that she is in the Top 3. Hallelujah! (Get it? Angel? Yes.)
8:16pm: Hot Bella and Morgan are up next. Will Nat choose the hot pop one or the Frankie Magazine-reading folk one? And she chooses… NEITHER.
8:18pm: Now the other Bella is up. She sings cover versions of indie songs (I mean the Ellie Goulding version of the Jose Gonzales cover of The Knife’s “Heartbeats” for example). She really wants to be here but Nat’s worried about her nerves cocking it up…
8:20pm: Nat says Bella’s made the final 3!
8:22pm: The only two left are the blessed 14-year-olds Shiane the lispy country gal and earth child Vendulka. Poor kids having to go through such a major high-stress experience with only Natalie Bassingthwaighte to guide them through. Tough going.
8:25pm: Nat’s final choice for her Top 3 is SHIANE! This is a clean sweep for the country folk (Shiane, Justin and Jason). Could this be a conscious strategy by the network for regional Australia connectivity, my pal Katie wonders.
8:29pm: It’s now time to find the Final 3 for mentor Ronan Keating in the Groups category. First to face Ronan is singing-dancing foursome Fourtunate (groan at the heinous wordplay). Ronan explains the show is called The X-Factor because they’re looking for something truly unique. Ever heard of 5ive, mate? Maybe not – because he decides to put Fourtunate through.
8:33pm: Next Ronan will let girl group of blondes Black Ivory and a One Direction-like (but admittedly dance adverse) boy band actually named Boy Band know if they’re in or out (copyright Heidi Klum, Project Runway).
8:40pm: Boy Band get the spot. NEXT.
8:43pm: Duo D+D are the next group to face Ronan. I think they are repellant and, thankfully, Ronan agrees. The poor dudes are gutted but it’s for the best. I couldn’t get through the live finals with those jokers hamming it up.
8:46pm: The final spot in Ronan’s Top 3 is between rap-pop girl duo Good Question and another boy band with hair secured on right angles thanks to a lot of product called What About Tonight.
8:51pm: What About Tonight wins, making Ronan’s team an all male cock-fest.
8:52pm: Next week the Live Finals start where we’ll finally get to see some whole songs get performed. Tune in next week and join us here for The X-Factor live blog. Hit the comment section with all your thoughts about the Final 12 and anything else that might be on your mind.