Tonight is the third Live Show on The X-Factor when the 10 remaining contestants will perform songs that fall under the category Top 10 Hits. Can’t wait to see what terrible song choices the judges pull out of their hats. I’m getting my head ready to make this face a lot:
Let’s live blog this son of a gun.
7:36pm: We start with a recap of last week’s show, during which it strikes me that the worst juge (Nat) has the best – or at least most TV show win-viable team – (Angel, Shiane and Bella). It also strikes me that Luke Jacobz has gotten more confident as the weeks have worn on. He walks on stage tonight and is slightly more obnoxious than usual. Kudos, Luke Jacobz.
7:39pm: Mel B is wearing a dress of sea blue velvet that, sadly, is not very bosom exposing.
7:41pm: The first performance for tonight will be from Justin who needs to leave the competition right now. He’s not good enough to get away with being old and not ridiculously attractive.
7:43pm: Justin is singing a song called “Some Nights” by Fun. I’ve never heard it before in my life, which probably means I need to listen to the radio more. Have you seen the movie Drum Line? There are musical theatre versions of a Drum Line on stage with Justin. This is alarmingly bland.
7:46pm: Mel B thought Justin was good. She said it was his best performance. Mel B is a mad bitch though. The other judges give Justin credit for his performance as if it was anything other than totally average! Ha!
7:51pm: Johnny Ruffo is the worst. He has the charisma of a beetroot.
7:53pm: Next to perform will be boy band The Collective from Team Ronan. They are singing “You Got It (The Right Stuff)” by New Kids on the Block, which I have to admit is a great choice for these cheese balls.
7:56pm: RONAN YOU CHEEKY BASTARD. The Collective have just morphed from NKOTB into “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson. You should see how smug Ronan is. He’s so proud of himself. The stylist needs to be forever banned from clothes, because what these guys are wearing is just horrifying. Why does boy band groups need to be dressed in hideous coordinated outfits involving hoods and different head pieces like beanies and trucker caps?
7:50pm: The judges all loved The Collective, except Mel B who is so competitive with the other judges it’s getting borderline embarrassing. Actually, it is bona fide embarrassing. It pains me to say anything negative about Mel B because I love her so much.
8:05pm: Next to perform is Angel from Team Nat. She’s singing “Next To Me” by Emeli Sandé. Never heard of it or Emeli Sandé. She’s playing piano on stage and wearing a large amount of fake hair.
8:08pm: Angel has a beautiful voice – really good. Very pure and well controlled. Unfortunately this is boring. Guy thought she sounded great but that Nat should have picked a different song because the artist has a very similar look and sound to Angel. Ronan liked her too, but that she went off on “too many vocal tangents”. I blame Nat for a lame song choice and for making Angel play the piano because it took away from her performance.
8:17pm: Carmello is up next. He’s singing “What Do You Want From Me” by Adam Lambert. Yikes. Is Mel B crazy? LOL – yes of course she is. This should be awful…
8:20pm: Uh oh. Carmello’s voice sounds okay but the slowed-down version of this already-terrible song is TERRIBLE and he is clearly trying to look really earnest and emotional, but he looks like a deer in headlights. This is amateur. He’s wearing a sleeveless jacket which I don’t approve of. The judges are pretty down on this performance. Guy basically tells him he has dropped the ball. Even Mel B isn’t pleased with Carmello and says that “wasn’t how we rehearsed it” quite cuttingly.
8:27pm: Sammy is next for Team Guy and is singing “Every Time” by Britney. She starts off a little pitchy…
8:30pm: This is pretty sub par. She’s been pretty out of tune for a lot of the song and it’s a bit of a bore. Not her best performance. The judges agree with me, except for Guy who said he couldn’t look away from her and “to me, that’s the x factor”. Put it away mate!
8:34pm: Next from Team Nat is Bella. She’s singing “Big Yellow Taxi” by Joni Mitchell. Nat says she is going to be dancing tonight. This I’m nervous about. People who aren’t dancers should never dance. (On stage in a nationally televised singing competition. Not you and me when we’re boozed on a Friday. That’s cool.)
8:37pm: Bella sounds good. She has a pretty voice but looks awkward doing these dance moves. Guy, Mel B and Ronan all tell her that she sounded great but the dancing was probably not necessary. Yep. Good call, judges. Nat is REALLY proud of Bella because she did the dancing and yes it was a little awkward but she was going for a quirky vibe. She references “Cameo Lover” by Kimbra and how she “quirks it up” in that video. GROAN. It’s so gross when grown ups try to be all finger-on-the-pulse-ish.
Stop trying to make fetch happen, Nat.
8:46pm: Jason from Mel B‘s team is next. He’s singing “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith. Can’t wait to see what kind of hideously lame imagery they’ll find to project onto the screens behind him for this one!
8:48pm: Look, Jason sounds quite lovely. He has done a country music spin on the song and it’s actually quite pretty. Jason looks a bit toolish in his leather dinner jacket (“What do you call that jacket?” I said out loud. “An abortion” said my boyfriend) but he’s cute. Even with pounds of visible pancake makeup on. All the judges really liked Jason’s performance and said that style of music really suited him. Mel B was pleased as punch. You can tell Jason’s her favourite. Luke Jacobz calls him “a great bloke”.
8:56pm: I swear the ad breaks are lasting 10 minutes tonight.
8:57pm: Nathaniel is next on stage representing Team Guy and will be singing “Try A Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding. This guy just doesn’t have the pipes for this song. I’m sorry but he doesn’t. Mel says his voice is “serr velveteh and chocolateh” so we’re obviously not on the same page. Ronan and Nat loved it too. I liked that Ronan burned his green low-crotch jeans though. My least favourite part of Nathaniel was when he (quite unnecessarily) threw off his blazer to reveal that he was wearing a SLEEVELESS white shirt.
9:09pm: Last to perform is Shiane. Nat has picked “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera, which Nat describes as “the perfect choice for Shiane”. Um… Is that a stealth burn? The song is about being beautiful on the inside. *nudge nudge*
9:10pm: She sounds really good and the set is really minimal. No flames. Guy and Mel say it’s the best vocal performance she’s given so far, but Mel didn’t like the fact it was so serious. Ronan disagrees with Mel because he got to see another side of her yada yada. He described her as “so endearing” which was sweet and true.
9:16pm: FUUUUU Just thought the show was over but there is still FOURTUNATE to come. Ugh. Tonight has seriously been a dud episode. Fourtunate better be good…
9:19pm: “Dedication To My Ex” by Lloyd is the song that they’ll be singing. Never heard of it. Again. God I’m out of touch… The stage is covered in back up daners and prop tables. Fourtunate are wearing another set of horrendous matching outfits. These ones which seem to be a modern rendition of the Sargeant Peppers suits. It’s distracting me from the actual song. There’s a lot going on. It seems to be quite a fun vibe on the whole. This is probably the most entertained I’ve been all night.
9:25pm: Guys, that was a STRUGGLE tonight. I’d put 7 out of the 10 acts that performed tonight in the bottom three. Tomorrow is going to be interesting when we find out who Australia liked and didn’t. Thank god that’s over. I need a whiskey. Good night all!