Episode 23 of The Voice Australia has a running time of 2.5 hours, and I want you to keep that in mind when this blog resembles the scribblings of a crazy lady trying to dictate a bowl of Alphabet soup. The evening ahead promises the following: 8 remaining contestants each perform one cover song and an original composition (ugh – boring. Just do more Rihanna/Jimmy Barnes for chrissake); Ricky Martin‘s “Living La Vida Loca” – a song that time has not been kind to – will be sung as an ensemble piece by the coaches; Darren McMullen will mush three live intros/outros, mostly likely while dressed in a purple suit; and Joel Madden will say “shit” six times on live primetime television. It’s The Voice Semi Finals. Usually I would try to think of a rousing quote appropriate for Event Television of this magnitude. All I can think of is “Mercy mercy mercy me / my life is a cage but on stage I’m free” from Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff’s hit song “Boom Shake The Room”. That’ll have to do.

7:41pm: First thing I’ve got incorrect tonight: Darren McMullen is wearing silvery grey. I was right about “Living La Vida Loca” too, but I won’t speak any more about that topic since I’ll be trolled by cruel Ricky Martin fans. Delta wears a scrap of metallic silver and, together with Ricky (whose blatant disregard for the top three buttons on his shirt is pretty exciting if gleaming tanned man-chest is your vibe) is shimmying up a storm. This is The Voice.

7:46pm: The coaches have taken their seats wearing new outfits. Darren appears to have changed from silvery grey to dark blue… Is it possible that that wasn’t a live performance? I call bullshit. My fellow conspiracy theorists may get involved and weigh in down in the comment section.

7:48pm: First to perform tonight is Celia Pavey from Team Delta. She is singing “Xanadu” and wearing a fun sheer white prom dress. This is way too mellow for my liking. Why choose a flawless disco number written by ELO’s Jeff Lynne if you aren’t going to disco the shit out of it? Disappointing use of that song on a folk waif, instead of a rollerskate-clad glitter nymph. With that said, Celia was lovely as she always is.

7:52pm: Next up singing “Change The World” by Eric Clapton and Babyface (off the soundtrack to that John Travolta movie Phenomenon) is the other remaining contender from Team Delta, Steve Clisby. In the rehearsal package Delta says “Steve Clisby deserves to be The Voice Australia”, clearly favouring a man who’s old as pants instead of her decades-younger contestant Celia. Steve did a fine job of the vocals but he needs to rein in the style choices. That silver lame jacket is something Steve’s young son will be humiliated by for years to come.

8:01pm: Now we find out who goes through to the final round from Team Delta… And it is Celia Pavey. Good call, Australia. Steve can now put out that cover album of standards and continue getting songs in the Australian iTunes top 50. Now someone just needs to explain iTunes to him. How cute are old people? #Ageist

8:06pm: Team Seal is up next to the chopping block, beginning with a performance by ladies favourite Harrison Craig. Seal’s chosen “Unchained Melody” which is going to be a hit with his target audience but not with me, because he’ll make it all Kermit the Froggish in his lower register.

8:08pm: Harrison was having a few problems on the key change in rehearsals, so it sounded like Seal either cut it entirely or went for the most pussy key change of all time, right at the very end. The audience exhaled a communal “aaaaaaah!!” when Harrison got to the first “lonely rivers flow to the sea” part, which IS a pretty tremendous lyric. The most impressive thing about that performance was the amount of pancake makeup the costume department has managed to apply to Harrison’s youthful teenage mug. He looks like airbrushing in motion. To the makeup artist who does his face: call me.

8:14pm: Mitchell is up next for Team Seal doing “To Love Somebody” by The Beegees. He has been consistently great in his performances all season, but how can he compete with Harrison? This is reality television, not these-old-people-have-a-legitimate-shot-at-future-success television, after all. Sure enough, Darren announces that Harrison has gone through to the finals meaning it’s time to say a reluctant goodbye to Mitchell, the sweetest dude in the comp.

8:26pm: On to Team Joel, starting with a performance from Kiyomi. Joel chose “Running Up That Hill” by Kate Bush which, on paper, is a great choice for Kiyomi – if she can pull it off vocals-wise.

8:29pm: Well dudes I thought that was solid but not amazing. There was never a real sense of crescendo in the arrangement of the song and despite the fact Kiyomi was quite magnetic to watch as she usually is, she was overshadowed by the backdrop which was JUST MARVELLOUS!! So expensive! It looked like a set from Tim Burton’s “Sleepy Hollow”!! Who is Kiyomi again? Get me the number of that set dresser, NOW DAMMIT.

8:35pm: Danny Ross:

8:40pm: Danny was wearing a cape. And it looks like those creative outfit choices have clicked with the Australian public because he’s voted through. Farewell, Kiyomi.

8:42pm: Team Ricky steps onto the stage next, starting with Miss Murphy doing Renee Geyer’s rock-soul version of “Love Don’t Live Here”. A nice song choice by Ricky, although Miss Murphy could sing the Miranda Rights to a sex-criminal on Law & Order: SVU and it would sound gorgeous.

8:50pm: Luke Kennedy is “going back to his forte” says Ricky, which means he’ll be singing an opera song tonight. “Just make me bleed, brother,” whispers Ricky. Hey Ricky, what you do in your personal life…

8:53pm: Luke is really good and he sings what he sings well, but when “opera” singers only sing songs previously performed by Josh Groban I tend to tap out. I mean, shit dawg, if you can pull off the final note in “Celeste Aida” like Franco Corelli or even come close to the emotional expression of a Beniamino Gigli then let’s talk. Right you guys? Right. The Australian public is cooler with Groban than me and vote Luke through over Miss Murphy.

9:05pm: It’s now time for the Final Four to sing their original songs (the ones I can only assume will be released if and when they win this thing). We start with Luke Kennedy who is singing a song inspired by “his darkest days”. It’s called “Love Is Gone”, a rousing funk-laced pop song with surging brass and a couple of cringe-y vocal moments from Luke on the big notes. The judges love it though. Seal thinks it’s the best performance by Luke the entire season. Seal probably bathes in lambs milk and gets his teeth buffed professionally, so pay him no heed.

9:17pm: Celia is performing her original song “Candle In The Night” and it’s real pretty, if a little boring. Joel says he was “hating on Hugo [Celia’s boyfriend] tonight… I was a little salty” (lol “salty”) but he says “I hope you and Celia are happy together because the love is real. The love between Hugo and Celia is real.” putting all kinds of pressure on Hugo. Can’t wait to see the wedding pics in New Idea, eh Hugo? Hugo looks pissed. Now he either puts a ring on it or it’s Taylor Swift-style public humiliation.

9:28pm: Look out! It’s time for Danny Ross‘s original song called “Windmill”, which he describes as “truly who I am”.

9:31pm: Danny was wearing the least fruity outfit from the entire season for his original performance and I’m glad, because he didn’t need a ludicrous cape-and-rose outfit to detract from that song. It was lovely. Quiet and plaintive and all that stuff you expect from Celia Pavey but not an attention-seeking LSD-martian like Danny Ross. Kudos. Shout out to the set designers for incorporating not one but two windmill silhouettes onto the backdrop. Because the song is called “Windmill”. LOL.

9:39pm: Harrison‘s original song is called “More Than A Dream” (“ugh how original,” scathes my boyfriend, not unfairly. “This is going to be number one, I can tell,” he adds. He’s probably right.)

9:42pm: Harrison gets a standing ovation. His song probably will be number 1 on iTunes tomorrow, especially now that RICKY MARTIN IS CRYING MID-CRITIQUE. Ricky whimpers “I hope one day my kids will… something something murmur I missed that.” Seal says Harrison wants to make him want to be a better person and that “Joel, Seal, Coach Delta, Coach Ricky and all of Australia have already won because we know Harrison Craig.” Pretty standard stuff from Seal.

9:46pm: This is the time I bid you adieu because I’m not hanging around to watch Tim-O-Matic do stuff in a black plastic vest. Share your thoughts about tonight’s show in the comment section. Next time we reconvene it will be Finals time, and I’m genuinely unsure who will win or who should win. My game’s been way off this season. I’m going to take that as a sign of maturation. Night all!