After two and a half months of ratings-topping television, 23 episodes, 21 live blogs (yeah we missed two) and two varying Delta Goodrem hair lengths, all will be revealed tonight when the winner of The Voice Australia is announced. One last time the judges will sit in the novelty sized swivel chairs and learn who Australia has chosen to be The Voice from the final four: Sansa Stark lookalike Celia Pavey, the foundation-smothered stutterer-that-could Harrison Craig, charming b-grade opera singer Luke Kennedy, and inexplicably mesmerising walking advertisement for downers and jaunty hats, Danny Ross.
The Voice finale episode will appear on screens across the nation tonight from 7:30pm Australian Eastern No Longer Daylight Savings Time. These are our predictions of what is in store for the last show of the season…
1. Luke will win.
Guys, this is the first time I’ve been genuinely stumped as to who is going to win one of these things. Usually I have a sixth sense for predicting the outcome of shows like this but my shameful gift seems to have inexplicably left me like Matilda’s does at the end of the Roald Dahl book, so I can say with only 62% certainty that Luke will probably maybe win this year. Sportsbet is tipping Harrison Craig.
2. Ricky will perform with at least 4 shirt buttons undone.
Okay so I’m obviously playing the law of averages here, but let’s just say that if I saw Ricky onstage without a generous slab of man chest on display I’d know I was watching the first dominoes of the Apocalypse starting to fall. He is performing the world premiere of new song “Come With Me” and it is going to be on fire FYI.
3. The best performance of the night will be Robin Thicke doing “Blurred Lines”, during which all the judges will flap around rhythmically in their seats with exaggerated jazz enthusiasm and theatrical ‘sexy’ faces. They’ve been doing this during practically every performance of the season. It’s been pretty amazing/haunting/seductive/disturbing/Seal.
4. Footage from the NSFW video for “Blurred Lines” (which features genetically superior ladies holding lambs, riding bikes and playing banjos IN THE NUDE) will not be included in Robin Thicke’s performance.
5. Joel Madden will make an in-joke reference to cannabis in spite of his recent brush with the law and despite the fact the Nine network, Joel’s publicist and his wife have all advised against it. He’s Joel Madden. He will also be wearing a sleeveless denim vest with logo of horror punk band; fans of horror punk band will voice their outrage on Twitter; Madden fans will start their own ‘leave Joel alone’ movement; somewhere another teenager gets a Misfits tattoo; the world weeps.